A month or so ago, it was announced that Veronica Mars was finally getting the movie I had dreamed about for the last 6 years, since the show ended. It was exciting news, for sure. And a little surprising, as I thought all hope for a movie had been lost. However, the most surprising thing of all was who revealed this exciting news to me.
I was fairly shocked when the email popped up in my inbox. I’d been at work, about to go on my break, and saw my phone flashing. Picking it up, I hit the middle button, expecting to see a text message from the boyfriend as he always sends me cute messages at work. Instead, I realized, it was an email. That, too, wasn’t all that shocking. I have a habit for signing up for e-newsletters, that I usually delete before even reading. However, when I opened my email it wasn’t La Senza revealing the latest deals on sexy bras, or Forever 21 hyping the newest trends. It was my exboyfriend’s name, followed by two words. VEROINCA MARS, all caps. For a minute I stared at it, and then, overcome with curiosity, I clicked.
In the last three years, the two of us have not talked. Not really. In the beginning, we tried to feign a friendship but as anyone who has tried to maintain a friendship with someone they just broke up with knows, it’s next to impossible. I think a quote from one of my favorite novels, “This Lullaby” by Sarah Dessen, sums it up best:
“Because you can never go from going out to being friends, just like that. It’s a lie. It’s just something that people say they’ll do to take the permanence out of a breakup. And someone always takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said ‘friendly’ relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it’s like breaking up all over again. But messier.”
The last time I spoke to him, was last Christmas. For a while, I’d been thinking about how I was holding on to too much negativity, and how in order to get rid of it, I wanted to be able to say “I’m sorry.” So, after a little too much to drink, I got on my computer and told him that I forgave him for what happened, that I didn’t hold anything against him, and that I was sorry for how I reacted–that I was wrong to put so much blame on him, even for things that were out of his control. I also told him that I didn’t expect anything from him, that I just needed to get this out in the air. He responded, saying he held nothing against me.
And with that, I figured, that chapter of my life was closed.
So you can imagine my surprise when a year and a half later here I was, seeing an email from him. The truth is, I’ve moved on from the past. Now they’re barely blurry water colored memories, something I look back on with passing observance. The email was simple–eight words, all caps, and a link to the Veronica Mars kickstarter. I stared at it for a second, dumbfounded, then tossed my phone back in my purse, utterly confused. And it dwelled on my mind for the remainder of shift, like a little weight I couldn’t shake. Maybe it was silly, but I just couldn’t understand. So after less than a week of trying to figure what the hell he was thinking, I finally cracked and did the only thing I could do–I asked.
He responded that I was the first person he thought of when he heard the news, that he thought it was weird that we haven’t been in communication, and added he didn’t think it should be weird for us to email one another out of the blue. I wasn’t sure the response I was looking for, but that kind of struck me. And I realized that he was probably right–it shouldn’t have been so weird for me. After all, I’ve managed to maintain an (odd and some somewhat strange) friendship with the High School Ex-boyfriend, so why after three years should it have struck me as so odd when Andrew emails me. And I thought–that’s nice. Maybe we could be friends. So when I responded, I ended by telling him that I would have loved to hear how his life has changed, and what he’s been up to. I’m not the same person, so I don’t doubt that a lot as happened to him as well.
And then nothing. No response. No acknowledgement. Nothing.
I’m going to admit, I was a little confused once again. After all, he’d been the one saying it shouldn’t be weird, and then it’s weird again.
The thing is, after three years I don’t have feelings for him. I’ve moved on, realized what I don’t want, and found the man who I see my future with. I have everything I could have ever asked for, when I wasn’t even looking. But he still remains someone who was, once upon a time, my best friend, my first love, and he’s still the one of the few people that I’ve trusted enough to open up to and he was there for me during some particular hard moments. Granted, that was three years ago, and things have changed for me. But when I thought about this idea about being friends, it struck me as something would be nice. I wasn’t expecting us to be best friends, or anything like that. It’s just that he’s a big part of my history, a defining chapter in the story of my life. And I couldn’t help but think it would be nice.
And maybe that’s the part that just keeps bugging me.