A month or so ago, it was announced that Veronica Mars was finally getting the movie I had dreamed about for the last 6 years, since the show ended. It was exciting news, for sure. And a little surprising, as I thought all hope for a movie had been lost. However, the most surprising thing of all was who revealed this exciting news to me.
I was fairly shocked when the email popped up in my inbox. I’d been at work, about to go on my break, and saw my phone flashing. Picking it up, I hit the middle button, expecting to see a text message from the boyfriend as he always sends me cute messages at work. Instead, I realized, it was an email. That, too, wasn’t all that shocking. I have a habit for signing up for e-newsletters, that I usually delete before even reading. However, when I opened my email it wasn’t La Senza revealing the latest deals on sexy bras, or Forever 21 hyping the newest trends. It was my exboyfriend’s name, followed by two words. VEROINCA MARS, all caps. For a minute I stared at it, and then, overcome with curiosity, I clicked.
In the last three years, the two of us have not talked. Not really. In the beginning, we tried to feign a friendship but as anyone who has tried to maintain a friendship with someone they just broke up with knows, it’s next to impossible. I think a quote from one of my favorite novels, “This Lullaby” by Sarah Dessen, sums it up best:
“Because you can never go from going out to being friends, just like that. It’s a lie. It’s just something that people say they’ll do to take the permanence out of a breakup. And someone always takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said ‘friendly’ relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it’s like breaking up all over again. But messier.”
The last time I spoke to him, was last Christmas. For a while, I’d been thinking about how I was holding on to too much negativity, and how in order to get rid of it, I wanted to be able to say “I’m sorry.” So, after a little too much to drink, I got on my computer and told him that I forgave him for what happened, that I didn’t hold anything against him, and that I was sorry for how I reacted–that I was wrong to put so much blame on him, even for things that were out of his control. I also told him that I didn’t expect anything from him, that I just needed to get this out in the air. He responded, saying he held nothing against me.
And with that, I figured, that chapter of my life was closed.
So you can imagine my surprise when a year and a half later here I was, seeing an email from him. The truth is, I’ve moved on from the past. Now they’re barely blurry water colored memories, something I look back on with passing observance. The email was simple–eight words, all caps, and a link to the Veronica Mars kickstarter. I stared at it for a second, dumbfounded, then tossed my phone back in my purse, utterly confused. And it dwelled on my mind for the remainder of shift, like a little weight I couldn’t shake. Maybe it was silly, but I just couldn’t understand. So after less than a week of trying to figure what the hell he was thinking, I finally cracked and did the only thing I could do–I asked.
He responded that I was the first person he thought of when he heard the news, that he thought it was weird that we haven’t been in communication, and added he didn’t think it should be weird for us to email one another out of the blue. I wasn’t sure the response I was looking for, but that kind of struck me. And I realized that he was probably right–it shouldn’t have been so weird for me. After all, I’ve managed to maintain an (odd and some somewhat strange) friendship with the High School Ex-boyfriend, so why after three years should it have struck me as so odd when Andrew emails me. And I thought–that’s nice. Maybe we could be friends. So when I responded, I ended by telling him that I would have loved to hear how his life has changed, and what he’s been up to. I’m not the same person, so I don’t doubt that a lot as happened to him as well.
And then nothing. No response. No acknowledgement. Nothing.
I’m going to admit, I was a little confused once again. After all, he’d been the one saying it shouldn’t be weird, and then it’s weird again.
The thing is, after three years I don’t have feelings for him. I’ve moved on, realized what I don’t want, and found the man who I see my future with. I have everything I could have ever asked for, when I wasn’t even looking. But he still remains someone who was, once upon a time, my best friend, my first love, and he’s still the one of the few people that I’ve trusted enough to open up to and he was there for me during some particular hard moments. Granted, that was three years ago, and things have changed for me. But when I thought about this idea about being friends, it struck me as something would be nice. I wasn’t expecting us to be best friends, or anything like that. It’s just that he’s a big part of my history, a defining chapter in the story of my life. And I couldn’t help but think it would be nice.
And maybe that’s the part that just keeps bugging me.
Filed under: Boyfriend, dating, drunk times, friends, holiday, life, love, parties, pictures
My Easter weekend, in (a few) pictures…
I’m a romantic at heart. I always have been.
I’ve never been the kind of girl that found the need to date people for the sake of dating someone just so I could so “Oh, this is so-and-s0, my boyfriend.” No, I’m perfectly fine being single, and taking care of myself. But once in a while… once in a while you meet someone and it changes everything.
And I’ve been feeling it lately. Oh how I’ve been feeling it lately.
The thing is, I’m not the easiest person to love. I know that. I’ve always known that. And unfortunately, the people in my past have reminded me of that over and over and over, to the point where I almost expect my imperfections to scare people away. For the most part, I’ve always been good at hiding the bad moments, the sad moments, the scary moments. But, from the beginning he’s just accepted that about me. Talking about my feelings has never been my strongest suit–I’m better at putting it in a story, and getting it out that way. But with him, it’s just been easy. I don’t know if it’s because I’d known him, and talked to him, for two years before this started, but it’s not as scary. It’s so easy admitting my darkest truths. Laying in bed, curled up beside him, we just talk. He told me from the beginning that I didn’t need to be scared, that no matter what I tell him, I’ll never scare him away.
And the scariest thing of all? I believe him.
Change, like spring (and love) is in the air…
I’ve been talking about cutting my hair since last summer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my long hair–it was just I felt like it was about time I changed things up a bit. For four years I grew it out. It was my security blanket, so to say. But now that I’ve been feeling like a brand new girl, it was time for a brand new hair cut. And tada. It was a spur of the moment decision, after a little too much short hair porn on tumblr. But I’m so glad I did it–I feel lighter, and like I’ve shed the last couple years, and I’m ready to start over, ready to make new memories, and ready for a hundred adventures and all the stories to tell.
Sure, it may be just hair. But to me it’s a brand new start.
Do you remember seventeen?
Or, more importantly, do you remember what it felt like to fall in love at seventeen?
I do–that giddy romantic feeling. That feeling like nothing bad could ever happen. The nervous excitement of just holding someone’s hand. The excitement of hearing their voice on the phone, or seeing their face after a couple days. Smiling to yourself just thinking about them, looking like a damn fool but not even caring. The way you just wanted to get lost in them. The way the whole world ceased to exist, even for a couple hours.
I thought I’d long ago forgotten that feeling.
I thought that I’d never feel that again.
It would be silly to say what I’m feeling right now is love–that would be rushing things, and way too soon. But I can tell you this much, what I’m feeling brings me back to those simple, innocent days. It’s happening so quickly, so out of the blue. But whatever this is, I haven’t felt it in a long, long, long time. Not since I was seventeen. It makes me giddy, and excited. It’s the little things that have captured my heart, and thawed it out. This is different, so different, than what I’m used to and it’s made me feel like a girl I used to remember–a girl I long ago thought that I had lost. And feeling like her again has knocked me out of a desperate funk I’ve let myself lie in for all too long.
It’s not all him, but I have to admit the way he looks at me…. it’s made me realize that I don’t have to get caught up in my past mistakes. And even though I thought I lost her, I’m still that silly love struck girl I once was.
There are not words to even begin to describe how things have been lately.
So instead of rambling incessantly in my giddy state, I’m just going to share a video speaks volumes without really saying a word.
Filed under: best friends, drunk times, holiday, life, parties, pictures, Uncategorized
(okay, so maybe I’m a little late on this post…. but oh well.)
It’s crazy to believe, but the whirlwind of a year that was 2012 is now over. And for me it certainly was full of ups and downs; of “i love you” and “goodbye”. It was the year I attempted to get my shit together, and fell all at the same time. But one thing I will love about 2012 was how I spent my Christmas holiday, and that was surrounded by the best of friends, old friends, and making new ones all at once.
Here’s the thing–I don’t do well with holidays, and I never have. But having my best friends back in town made everything absolutely perfect. In July, I had to say goodbye to the girls who have been by my side for as long as I can remember. The girls who supported me through everything that happened over the last three years. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive without them, and it’s been rough. My birthday being the worst. But having them back over the holidays made me realize no matter the distance, home truly is where the heart is. And that even time and distance will never erase what we’ve been through, and what we mean to each other.
Memories are nothing without the people you make them with. And these will keep me sane until we’re together again, however soon that it.