awkward smiles and drunk confessions…

Yesterday was such a good today. And tonight–not so much.

To be honest, I’m not sure what has left me feeling like this. No, that’s a lie too. I know exactly why I’m feeling so blah. I think. It’s other people’s perspectives of me. I always thought that I came off as a nice person. I’m shy, sure, but apperently one persons shy is another persons evil death glare.

Ugh, I’m not even sure why I care so much about other people’s opinons of me, but they matter. And now I’m left feeling awful, like a horrible person, and downright wretched. All I wish is that Andrew was here instead of on the other side of the harbour. I should really just close my eyes, get some sleep, and not think so much about other people’s opinions. But all I can think about is “what if people think I’m a huge giant bitch”… and it’s bothering the hell out of me.

A secluded tropical island has never looked so ideal.

I’m listening to Jack Johnson’s “Do you Remember?” and thinking, sappily, about my dear boyfriend. We’re one month–well, technically, 29 days–short of our 5 year anniversary, which is just absolutely crazy to think about. 5 years. Half a decade. I mean, some marriages don’t even last that long, and yet, he and I are together still, in love still, crazy//silly//nerdy still. And it’s funny to think that today, five years ago, I had absolutely no idea what the future would hold, or who the future would hold. It really emphasizes that idea that your life can change in just one moment.

The truth is, five years ago I was sixteen years old, in my last year of high school, and still feeling extremely hurt by a boy that I thought I had loved, the first boy I ever thought I had loved. And I never thought that I could ever love someone again after everything that happened. This time, five years ago, (well, technically, the Diaryland entry was written just after midnight on the 27th) I was still writing about my ex-boyfriend, and still believing that what we had was love:

I hate the fact that now suddenly I’m thinking about him. I mean me and elle sat on her front porch talking about the “hims” in our lives, past present and future. I was able to talk about alot of things that I just hadn’t been able to talk about in such a long time cause I was repressing them, not wanting to have to deal with them.

The truth is, I still love him. Well not “him” exactly but who he was before he invoked cocky “i-have-sex-everyday” guy. I don’t like that guy, because I really don’t care who he’s prolly going to end up knocking up. Personally I’ve been there, done that, got both the t-shirt and the hickey. (lol.. isn’t that awesome)

He is not the same that I knew and love, and I guess that is part of the problem. (27.09.03.)

Who would have thought that in only a week or so, I would meet Andrew, and my world as I knew it would completely shift. That I would go from thinking about the only boy I ever thought I loved, to thinking about the only boy I know now I could ever love. To me, it’s amazing to think about. Absolutely amazing. So much has changed in five years, especially me, but the two of us. I think we’re still the same people we were when we first started talking, planning on running away to an island free from math, to live forever in a treefort made of pillows.

I woke up beside him this morning, and I have never felt happier.

I’m just so in love with him, with every part of my being. I have never loved someone more, and it’s the most amazing feeling. And knowing that he loves me back–well, there is nothing better than that either. I love the way he looks at me, I love the way he protects me. I love the way when we sleep we link our feet together, even if we’re sprawled out on different sides of the bed. I just love everything. It makes me wish I could forget about work, and he could forget about work, and we could just spend a whole weekend locked in his apartment, together. Maybe I’ll just have to wait until our five year anniversary on the 24th of October.

I can’t wait to find out what five years from today will feel like, or what the future holds.

Like our American counterparts, we Canadians are in the midst of an election, slated for October 14th (the day before my birthday.) I fully intend on voting, since I think that it is an important right as a Canadian and even if your vote is not always honored *cough*Sunday Shopping*cough*.

I try to pay as much attention to politics as I possibly can. I try to read the newspaper, watch the news, gather as much information on the facts as I can. And yes, I get sucked into watching the campaign videos. But one thing I’ve noticed about the videos is once again they aren’t really about the candidates (except the annoying Stephan Harper one that immediately makes me change the channel, ugh.) Instead you have videos making fun of the other candidate as though this is a middle school election. The Conservatives are telling you exactly why not to vote for the Liberals. You have the NDP telling you exactly why not to vote for the Conservatives. That’s great. I know who not to vote for, but um… who exactly SHOULD I vote for then? The truth is, the only video I have seen which has showed me reasons I should vote for the candiate is the Stephan Dion video that I saw last night during the Emmys. Besides that–well I have lots of reasons for not, but that doesn’t tell me one thing about why I should.

You would think they would be trying to earn my vote, not turning me off from voting for them.

The thing about this election is that is doesn’t feel so much about who would be the best person to vote for, but who isn’t the worst person to vote for. None of these candidates really inspire my confidence, which is horrible to think when you realize you’re trying to decide who you would most want to RUN YOUR COUNTRY. I definately know who I won’t be voting for, but deciding between the other two and who I want to see as Prime Minister least. Well, it’s a toss up, that’s for sure. And my final decision will probably be made as I’m standing in the voting booth (during the early voting days, since I’m in school all day during October 14th, and definately want my voice heard).

I’m having a strange day. I think it has to do with the fact I realized that in exactly one month, I’m going to be 22. And it freaks me out.

The truth is, there is something about that number which just screams “growing up” to me. And lately, I’m not so sure that I’m ready to grow up. Every other day I have a different opinion on the whole thing. Some days the whole idea of being an adult seems comforting and exciting. Other times it’s completely overwhelming, and the idea alone leaves me panicking, or–like today–feeling just sad about the whole idea. And I’m not sure what I can do to shake myself out of it.

I’m a kid at heart.

Not only because I can still pass for a freshman in High School somedays, or because I’m immature even more often. Maybe it’s like those people who always come across as much more mature than they actually are. I can’t even explain why I feel this urge to hold onto being a kid as long as possible. The idea of growing up terrifies me, but who isn’t afraid of that. No, it’s something deeper. I think, maybe, it’s because for a lot of my childhood I did try and act older and got into trouble because of it, or because I didn’t really have friends. It wasn’t until I was around fifteen that I started acting around, having fun, ect. And so maybe that’s why it’s scary to think that I’m growing up past all that.

And I know, 22 isn’t old. It’s just a number, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not like I’m instantly going to change overnight or something.

But that age, that number. It just leaves me feeling like I should grow up, get smart, and stop kidding around. It’s a feeling that I can’t escape. All I can think about is after this, then childhood is really over, goofing off really is over. That I shouldn’t even think of wearing Hello, Kitty jewelry or pulling out my Batman coloring book.I should be thinking about my College graduation and moving out on my own, and just.. growing up. That’s what it is that freaks me out the most–this idea of growing up, of letting go of my childhood and everything that came alone with it. I feel like I didn’t get enough of a childhood to be ready to say goodbye to it already.

And that thought alone… well, it brings me right back where I started, to feeling sad and depressed about my birthday. I’m not ready to grow up, I’m not ready to let go of my moments of silliness or my coloring or anything.

Where is Peter Pan when you need him? I want to go to neverland and never, never grow up.

So last night I managed to not only stay awake past 10:30, but go out with Andrew to his work party and have an awesome time. Stuff like that is always hard for me, especially when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know. Hell, stuff like that is hard for me when I’m surrounded by people I do know, so strangers is even more terrifying. I’m not sure if it’s shyness, or anxiety, or maybe a mix of the two, but situations with lots of people always makes me feel like I should remain on the outside, just watching and observing. All it takes is one person I don’t know in a group of my closest friends, and suddenly I don’t remember how to talk.

But I did find a cure to this last night–Scene It.

Well, this was the xbox 360 version, but I definitely think this is a game I want to pick up. It’s really fun, and okay, maybe I won. By a lot. Either away, it definitely shook me out of my shyness, at least temporarily. I found my self laughing, and joking, and okay… maybe I was a little cocky. But I did kind of kick ass, so in the end I think it’s all okay. Right?

But last night also did spark something else. Well, it wasn’t just last night, but it kind of cemented how I’ve been feeling lately. I miss my friends. It’s been since early August since I’ve seen anyone, and I’m realizing more and more that I miss hanging out and having fun. Of course I don’t want to repeat a lot of the things that happened this summer, but I want to be social again. I miss the nights of getting dressed and going out and laughing and having a good time. I miss the nights of dancing, and drinks and taking way too many pictures. It’s not like I intentionally cut everyone out of my life, it was just something I had to do at the time to clear my mind. And now–now I feel like I’m ready to be able to have fun again. That I can handle being around people again, and know that I’m not going to make the same mistakes I did. The summer is behind me, and so is everything I was feeling.

With Andrew over at his apartment a lot, and our time together not as rampant as it used to be, I know that I need to get back into my social circle. It’s important I don’t let myself just lock myself up in my bedroom, hiding from the world, like I did a lot of last year. I need to find my balance again, I need to get dressed up, order a fancy drinks, and just dance. And laugh. And take way too many silly pictures.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe taking on five classes in one day maybe wasn’t the smartest thing I could have done for the new school year. Sure, only having classes two days a week is going to give me three days a week (and the weekend) of “me” time. Unfortunately, I’m either working or sleeping from exhaustion, so I’m not sure how much I’m going to benefit from this free time. Wednesday I worked 9-2 and then came home and just crashed. Honestly, I didn’t lift my head off the pillow again until 8:30. This cannot be a good thing.

Spent last night at Andrew’s, which is always nice. He cooked me a wonderful meal, and we watched Planet Earth and I fell asleep no later than 10:30, which made me feel bad because once again we didn’t really get to hang out. I have no idea how I can get energy so that I’m not constantly tired, but I need to figure something out. Something which isn’t constantly chugging energy drinks–I’m trying not to do that again this year. Unfortunately between school (going until 9 on Tuesdays, if not later) and work and school I’m not sure how I’m going to have time to get energy, but I must think of something.

But not right now… I have to work. I guess the only plus side to be constantly exhausted is that I don’t have time to think about this whole work situation. I still have a job right now, and I’m too exhausted to wonder if that might change. Guess I can’t complain all that much.

RAWR!

I feel like screaming. I feel like shouting. I feel… so frustrated. This should be an entry about back-to-school, about how exciting and scary and awesome the whole experience was–for possibly the last time–and yet it’s not going to be. Instead, something else has taken over my brain and threatens to drive me crazy. And considering I may start to have more free time on my hands… going crazy probably isn’t a good option right now.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I should even be talking about this, but if I don’t… well if I don’t then it’s just going to stir and stew in my brain and I’ve already thought about it way too much, so hence, I’m writing about it.

Yesterday, I walked into work, ready for just another Friday shift, and my co-worker J. pulled me aside. Actually, she told me she needed to talk to me about something “later”, and from the tone in her voice I knew it was something serious. So immediately I went to the back to talk to her, and she explained everything. That someone had come in on Wednesday, after I had left, and explained to her that my store is in trouble, and that as things are right now, it may not be open much longer. I knew we were closing in December, but this is more serious. So all day Friday I sat, just thinking about it, what was going to happen. And then the big boss came in again, and right to the back to J. All I could think was “this is it. this is the end.” I may not have a big list of bills to pay, and my parents did provide a lot for me, but still if I was going to be out of a job then, things would still change. I’m trying to save so that maybe I can move out next year, and if I don’t have money–or an income–then the money I’ve already saved will go to paying my cell bill, ect. Not exactly the way I’ve planned things.

I spent a good hour, just trying to eavesdrop. To see what was about to happen. Apparently, our big boss was supposed to meet with my other bosses, and they never showed up. NEVER SHOWED UP. They know just as well as the rest of us that there business is in trouble, and they just don’t show up? Remember what I said about screaming… this is one of those moments.

According to J. (who honestly, is one of my favorite people, and I’m so glad she is here to share this with me, because I don’t know what I would do otherwise) the big boss told her that they can completely save things until December, but only if they only get in contact with him and get this whole thing figured out. And for now, we’ll definitely be open until at least Tuesday. After that though… well, I guess it’s any body’s guess. He told her not to leave anything there, just in case. I guess if they do come in, then that’s it. No one else will be able to get in to get their stuff back, or anything. I work at 9 am on Wednesday, so I’d like to know what’s going to happen. Not knowing if I’m supposed to be opening a store that is no longer open… it’s a tad freak-some. Not having control over any of this is just… well it pisses me off, greatly.

And until Wednesday, I guess there is nothing I can really do. I have class until 9pm on Tuesday so I really will not know until I show up there Wednesday morning. And I can tell you right now that this is going to be the ONLY thing on my mind until then. Let’s see me try and get through school on Tuesday without a mini mental breakdown.

I guess the only thing I can do is hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and check to see if anyone around here is hiring. As much as I hate that thought, what else am I supposed to do? Trust me, curling up and crying in a corner is not going to help anything. I’ve already tried that.

I love clothing. I love fashion. I love dressing up and pretending I’m someone else. So that’s the reason I have a very wide variety of clothing in my closet. To me… dressing up is everything. I just love being able to flip through my closet, and try and look new a different every day of the week. When I was a little girl, dressing up was one of my favorite things in the whole wide world, and it hasn’t changed. Because of that, I’m a bit of a shop-a-holic. Its a sickness, really.

The thing about clothes is… I’m not so good at saying goodbye. Everything I own has some kind of sentimental value. Hell, I still have a dress from when I was six hanging in my closet. And yes, actually it still fits.

But being that it’s the end of summer, and I have been working on cleaning, I’ve actually been going through my closet and *gasp* getting rid of things. Okay, not getting rid of things. Nothing is being thrown out. But I have decided to part way with certain items. Some I’m giving away to a girl at work, because she loves my clothes. And some I’m donating to new homes and people who I hope will love them as much as I loved them. It feels funny though, going through clothes, trying to decide what to give away and what to keep. But in order to find new favorites, you have to let go of the memories… even shirts that hold special ones. Like the pink lace shirt I was wearing when me and Andrew shared our first kiss. Wait, on second thought, I’m keeping that one. Haha.

So maybe I’m not moving on well.

Maybe it seems silly to be so emotional about clothes. After all, it’s just clothing… right?

Not to me. To be clothing is more than just material and thread. No matter what anyone says, clothing is a part of a person, and it reflects who you are and who you want to be. And it’s time for me to really figure out who that person is. That’s right. No longer will I simply just throw on a simple t-shirt and jeans and try and blend in. That’s not who I am, that is never who I have been. I think that is part of what I’m excited about this coming school year. Because for the first time in a while I’m going to try and show who I really am, instead of being scared and afraid.

Wish me luck–this should certainly be interesting.

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in your highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

I can’t believe it, but summer is almost over. This is it, the last weekend of summer. The end of summer always makes me so sad, because that is it–soon the nights will get chillier, the days will get shorter, and before you even know it, winter will be here. Summer has always been my favorite season, and not just because I loathe the cold. There is something romantic about summer… a feeling that anything could happen. Some of my best (and worst) memories come from many summer adventures. There is a reason why I almost always write stories about summer.

And now summer is ending and that sad feeling is returning.

This summer has held so much, both good things and not so good things. I’ve definately learned a lot about myself, and so I don’t think I would change (much) about this summer if I was given the chance. Sure, I made some stupid decisions, but in the end I’m a better person for what happened, and it only makes me stronger. I made some great friends, had some fun times, and realized that maybe growing up isn’t that scary. I’m almost excited for what comes next, the memories to be made. This summer was a farewell to my teenage years–nights I’ll never forget with people I’ll always remember. And enough inspiration for a lifetime.