awkward smiles and drunk confessions…

I think I’m having a personal fashion crisis. And with two exams on Thursday, fashion should be the last thing taking over my mind.

Saturday night is Andrew’s work Christmas party which means I need to have a dress. What I would love to wear more than anything is the Skater Dress from American Apparel (in Charcoal!) but unfortunately, I don’t have $55 to rock that dress, and to be honest I actually can’t imagine spending that much money on just a dress. It’s beautiful, sure, but maybe when it goes on sale maybe I’ll splurge. After all, Christmas is only one month away and I have Christmas presents to buy.

So I’ve been trying to decide what I should wear to this Christmas party, since I’ve never actually been to a work Christmas party before. I have plenty of dresses (I have a habit for buying beautiful dresses, even when I have no where to go) but my problem is I have a hard time deciding, especially when I can’t figure out what “Semi-Formal” even means. The last semi formal I went to I wore a long white dress. I’m guessing that a long dress would be a little much, no matter how much I want to wear a particular red dress. Even still, the red dress is one of three options I’m playing around with, trying to figure out what exactly would be best.

option #1:

I love the back on this dress, and I think it would look so cute with a pair of black tights and strappy silver heels. It’s a little more silver than my webcam allows.

option #2:

This is a cute black dress my sister gave me.The material it’s made out of it wicked comfy and even though it’s about 6 sizes too big, it doesn’t look too big on me.

option #3:

I adore this red dress. It’s long and slinky but not too over the top and doesn’t look like I’m going to prom. It fall just around my ankles.

All three dresses are so different and so pretty and (I think) would look beautiful either way. The red stands out but not too much, and reminds me of Christmas. The first dress is funky and different, and I love the way it’s backless and I can just picture wearing it with tights and silver heels and feeling sassy and fun. And the black dress is more comfortable than I can even express, but of the three is the one that repersents my personality least. Then again, this isn’t my Christmas party so maybe fading into the background would be best.

Honestly, trying to figure out what to wear is almost as difficult as studying for history.

We had a giant snowfall this weekend, which was both great because SNOW! and awful because once we were plowed out I had to make my way in for a half day of work even though the store was out of stamps (yes, the post office was out of stamps) and we didn’t really have customers. I would have much rather had a snow day, and spent the day curled up in comfy clothes, listening to Christmas music. There is something about snow which just makes it feel like Christmas. And to be honest, Christmas is the only time I atually like having snow. Once the 26th of December rolls around, it’s time for summer to come back.

I’ve never been a Christmas fan.

I don’t mind giving people presents, but as a whole I tend to get far too stressed out to deal with the holiday. Like today, I realized it is exactly one month until Christmas eve, and I almost flipped. A month until Christmas! Oh man, what am I going to buy for people. Of course, I have ideas for some members of the family (Andrew, my Mom) but for the harder members of the family (My Dad, My Sister) I have no sweet clue as to what to buy them. And that is when the Christmas stress and anxiety start to build and I usually end up in tears at least once, maybe twice. Three times.

But there is one relief to one of my Christmas anxieties, which is the whole food issue. Christmas, at least for my family, has always been about food. More specifically, food which I cannot touch (chocolate, sugary candy, cookies, egg nog, Christmas dinner) so I’ve been fretting about the whole thing. But Mom found me some wonderful meringue cookies that are fat free, and very low calorie which means I can feel comfortable eating them, which doesn’t usually happen with Christmas food. Also Wal-mart has sugar-free candy canes, which I’m going to rush out and buy as soon as I get a chance. Christmas cookies and candy canes. It almost makes one excited for Christmas.

There is something about music which I’ve always just adored. I think it’s the way it can take you places—a certain song can bring back a whole slew of memories. It can take you back to a certain place, a certain time, and even a certain person. And even if those moments don’t last, you always have music to bring you back, to remind you of the good times and the bad. I think that is why I find music so important when I’m writing, why I actually can’t write without having my playlist on. When I write I like to picture the story as though it was a movie, and I need to hear the songs, to picture what would be playing in the background.

I’ve always thought  if I were to someday get published, it would be so cool to be able to have an accompanying CD of songs which matched the chapter, which helped aid the story with their own messages and stories. The closest I’ve come is naming chapters after the titles of songs that sum up that chapter.

Sitting here, staring at this blank screen, I’ve been trying to figure out how to go about making the soundtrack of my life. What songs I would put on that could sum up the last 22 years of my life. Johnny Cash, and the Spice Girls sang me the songs of my childhood. Liz Phair and The Ataris helped me through a summer of painful moments. David Grey sang the song which to this day will always remind me of the boy of my dreams, and I know my future could be contained within the lyrics of a Frank Sinatra and dreams of flying to the moon. The songs I love are almost as bi-polar as the memories they remind me of.

You know, it’s funny. For the longest time I used to hide behind my hair. For about 3 years I let my hair grow, and grow, and grow. It was half-way down my back when one day I decided that I was just going to take the plunge and get it cut. I had been using it as a security blanket, and on a whim I decided I wanted something new, something different. That I was tired of hiding and wanted to feel fun for once. And so, I did it. And I liked it so much I cut it even shorter about four months later.

I had that same feeling this summer, after some particularly bumpy moments. It was definitely not half way down my back again, but it had gotten longer, and slowly I found myself hiding behind it again. So I made a hair appointment and I got it cut shorter, and suddenly it was like a weight off my  shoulder. It may have only been about 3-4 inches of hair, but it was enough to make me feel like a whole different person. And since that first hair cut in August, I just have this urge to play with my hair, to keep going shorter.

And now, I want to go even shorter.

It may have been inspired by my sister’s dramatic haircut, or just shear boredem, but I am itching for another haircut. It’s almost as though as the seasons change, so does my need for something new and exciting. It’s barely been month since I last got my hair styled, but now suddenly I feel like doing something new, something different, something shorter. Not too short, but short enough to feel sassy. The truth is I’ve been in a funk lately, and there is nothing like a funky new hair cut to inspire inner sass.

And so, as soon as I get the time in order to roll out the “new” Shannon, I plan on a shampoo and cut and hope that my current funk ends.

The haircut I’m currently in love with:

ps. this whole haircut thing (the style, not the feeling) may have been inspired by watching the Mod Squad twice this weekend. Some people may think that movie may be the worst movie ever made, but I have always loved it. Haha.

Today I faced one of my greatest fears. I went to the Dentist.

Now, I’m sure some people would probably think I was silly for freaking out about my check-up at the dentist. I’m sure these same people probably eat lots of candy, brush twice a day (maybe) and floss only when there is something stuck in their teeth. I am not one of those people. I brush twice a day (with special toothpaste!), use mouthwash, floss, and try my very best not touch anything with sugar (candy, pop, juice) and still I hate the dentist. But in all honestly,the dentist usually hates me too.

I actually was having a panic attack over the thought of having to go. The last year has not been good to me, and I know nutritionally wise, I haven’t been getting enough nutrients. I’ve been sick a lot, and my teeth have felt especially sensitive lately. So, automatically, I was assuming that when I went into that Dentist office, after they finished yelling at me, they would announce that they were being forced to pull out all my teeth. At the very least I foresaw a whole lot of work being done. I had a hard time sleeping last night and relaxing because all I could think about was what was going to happen. I even asked Andrew to come because I figured I would need someone to calm me down before I had to go to work. And there would be tears.

So off we went, me freaked out, Andrew telling me that everything would be fine.

It took a long time, and I had to wait around for my dentist I asked the Dental Hygienist a lot of questions because I want to know what I could do to take better care of my teeth. And I told her exactly what I thought—it was not going to be good and I did not feel good about being there. My sister was in getting a filling and I could hear the drill. Two things which make the dentist a horrible experience: the sound of the drill and the smell. Anyways, after a while I finally saw my dentist and gripping the edge of the chair prepared myself for the worst.

Okay, I guess the moral of the story is I should listen to my boyfriend. That or maybe mouthwash really is amazing but I’m sure that one is probably less true. Anyways: Yes, I have a cavity (one, behind my front teeth) but only one. One. The bad news is it looks like all my pain and sensitivity in my teeth is coming from the fact I  grand my teeth in my sleep and I’m going to have to get a special mouth plate made in order to stop this since it’s not good. But apparently something I’m doing is right because this was not the huge drama I thought it would be. And believe me, that is a relief. You have no idea how easy I was able to breathe when I found that out. It’s been a long time since I have walked out of a dentist office actually smiling.

So that is one greatest fear I can cross off the list. Well, this week at least.

I don’t have much to say except last night was fabulous. There is a reason I absolutely adore Halloween and I had a lot of fun last night, even if I did stay in and hang out with my parents. I thought I wanted to go out and about, but I have no doubt it wouldn’t have been as fun as the night was.