awkward smiles and drunk confessions…

First off, I just want to say I had amazing Christmas. Not only was everyone in my family incredibly spoiled but it was nice having the whole family together. My grandparents came down for the festivities, and we made it our goal to see how many times we could make my Grandmother cry (happy tears, obviously). My grandfather’s Royal Doulton doll brought tears to her eyes first, but I think the photograph of my sister and I mimicing one we took when we were kids meant a lot to her. And the fact that it was my idea, and I brought the whole thing together (which was not easy considering how many times we lost power, Christmas Eve included) meant a lot to her as well.

Our Christmas tree Christmas Eve, before Jolly old Saint Nick even graced us we his presence.This was the first year we had the tree upstairs since the first year we moved into the house.

Our “fire” in the fireplace, decoreated for Christmas. That fire was replaced with The Dark Knight come Christmas morning.

Christmas morning. Santa was here!

My sister reading her brand new jewelry making magazine.I woke her up Christmas morning by jumping on her 8am. Hey, Mom said I could!

Our new hats and Monopoly, and Batman peaking out in the corner.

I don’t care what anyone says, my hat is fabulous. And will keep me warm on those chilly January days when I’m rushing to school and freezing. And no need to fret, it’s faux. ps. no idea what my sister is so excited about, although it might be her MAC gift certificate.

And finally, the beautiful purse my little sister gave me for Christmas. I was seriously conveting this purse for months, and I must say opening it Christmas morning was very exciting.

Christmas was pretty amazing, I must say. Which normally, I wouldnt. Andrew gave me two very cute pairs of pjs (much needed) and a gift certificate for a pedicure (even more needed) and I gave him a gorgeous green sweater which looks so good on him, and Mario Party 8, for his Wii, which both of us have been playing since he got. My Christmas dinner, however, was a no go, half because I was feeling pretty sick Christmas Day, and half because I fell asleep and ended up waking up with about ten minutes to go until Christmas dinner. However, the salad and butternut squash were fabulous.

However, this Christmas was not without sadness.

Friends of my parents had some tragedy–Christmas Eve we found out that my Uncle Kevin’s stepmother had a massive stroke that morning, and had been rushed to the hospital. She was paralyzed on one side of her body, and was no really coherent, but had made it through to Christmas morning was going over to the Stroke unit in another hospital for treatment and recovery. However, on Christmas night she had another massive stroke, and sadly passed away on boxing day. It was one of those things that came out of no where. I had only met her a handful of times, but she was a nice women, very vibrant and full of life. I think it’s moments like this which really show you how fleeting life is. You really never know if today is going to be your last day, and so you should do nothing less than live everyday like it is your last.

To be honest, I can’t wait for 2009. 2008 has been far too full of tragedy.

So it’s been a couple days since my last update. There is a reason for that. Not only have I been attempting to finish up the last of my Christmas shopping (finished Sunday, thank goodness, except for a little something for the birds, and some cards for the family) but I have had to suffer through TWO power outtages. First, on Saturday at work, we lost power for FOUR hours. And may I just add it was not warm outside. The first hour was kind of fun, the five of us girls playing Trivial Pursuit in the dark. But after the first hour, when the power didn’t come back on and the temperature continued to drop, we kind of wanted to go home. Which we couldn’t.

And yesterday, after a night of bad weather, the power went out AGAIN–this time at my house. The weather yesterday was horrible, and when I woke up, having no power did not impress me especially because I knew that I had to go to work. Thankfully by the time I got home from work, the power was back on. My work, however, was one of the only places in the area who didn’t lose power. And this time, I’ll admit that I was disappointed.Although it was nice to actually be warm, even if everything in the store has been marked down to 70% off. And people are buying everything like crazy. Mark anything down, and people will buy it. That is what this Christmas has taught me.

I did take pictures of us at work on Saturday. Please excuse my face. Those were taken when freezing at work was still “fun”.

The countdown begins…

In exactly two weeks, I am no longer going to have a job. Especially after the last couple months, I was getting anxious to be for the first time in over a year and a half. Between school, and work, there was a serious lack of fun and freetime in my life. There is a large part of me which cannot wait for that moment to breathe–I’m going to take a writing workshop. I’m going to start cooking more. I’m actually going to get to spend time with Andrew without falling asleep within the first five minutes of showing up at his house. I’m going to be able to keep my life organized without feeling overwhelmed with everything. I’m actually excited because I have this plan to go through my wardrobe and document everything I own, which will make getting dressed (and feeling fabulous) much easier every morning. There are so many things that I’m excited to get to do, even just being able to curl up with a good book, go to a movie, or sit on the couch and listen to music.

But, no matter how much I am excited for what 2009 is going to bring, I also feel almost sad about everything.

I think the best thing to compare it to is graduating from High School. You can’t wait to graduate, to get out into the “real” world, but there is also something so sad about everything. You know that you’re going to miss the people, even the ones who are beyond infuriating. You know you’re going to miss coming there everyday, even when it’s cold, when it’s early, when you just don’t want to. And so, no matter how excited you are for what comes next, you get sad when you think about it actually being over.

I’m really going to miss my job, stresses and all. Because in the end, it was a turning point in my life. When I first got this job (the first job I ever got that I could on my own, without knowing someone) I was suffering from severe anxiety and I remember bursting into tears in the parking lot on my first day because I was terrified. I was scared of not doing a good job. I was scared of screwing up. I was terrfied by the thought of just talking to people. And now saying goodbye to all of that–the people I see almost everyday, my co-workers that have made me laugh and smile more than one, even just a job that I know so well.

It’s strange how scared and excited I feel at the same time.

But no matter what, I can’t see what 2009 is going to bring.

I never meant to go on a hiatus from writing, but it just sort of happened. Between school and finishing exams, and work, and trying to get ahead on Christmas shopping (which, I finally did this evening) I have just been completely exhausted. And a tired Shannon means a cranky Shannon, who is someone no one wants to be around. I tried to be calm, I tried to plan better. But for some reason the holiday blahs and taken over, and I just couldn’t shake them.

Trust me, nothing sounded better than running away (with the money I saved for Christmas presents) and finding myself on a nice white sandy beach somewhere south. With a large fruit drink in a coconut cup.

I’ve tried embracing Christmas. But Christmas when working retail sucks. People are mean. People are cranky. And no matter how happy you try to be, by the end of the day you’re counting down to January. Honestly, I can’t wait until my store closes and I finally get a moment to breathe.

Anyways, I was feeling all the anxiety and crankiness that comes along with working Christmas in retail, and I come home and find a parcel waiting for me from Ev’yan. There is something about mail–real mail–which is just exciting and always makes you smile. After going through everything, I couldn’t help but be put in a good mood. Feeling disconnected from the outside world, it was wonderful to have something that connects you to someone else. I even planned my outfit for work today around the necklace that she made me. It was something I really needed to just sit back and stop freaking out. It made me feel good, really good.

So I’m trying to be calm. I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying to just breathe.

And what is better to take a minute to breathe, than to tell the story of two gay budgie birds (and to show off my mother’s beautiful Christmas village).

pictures are courtsy of my brand new non-christmas present–an awesome camera to document my life. Expect many pictures to come when I’m unemployed and have too much free time on my hand.

I’ve always tended to consider myself stylish. Not in a conceded way, but I love clothes, and I love fashion. And once upon a time, I had a lot less fear when it came to getting dressed in the morning. That was back in a day when I took pride in how clean and organized I was, and could hold my head high as I walked. I miss that girl I used to be, a lot. I miss feeling excited about getting dressed, instead of anxious. I miss coming up with looks, and stories behind those looks. I miss actually wearing my clothes instead of just throwing on a black sweater, jeans, and an over-sized scarf that covers up everything else.

Today, for the first time in a while, I decided I didn’t feel like hiding. Sure, work isn’t exactly the most glamorous of runways, but none the less I took the time coming up with something to wear, settling on my favorite Christmas dress (it’s a plaid dress from when I was six, without a word of lie), a black skirt underneath, black tights, my black boots and a black sweater. It was definitely more flashy than I’ve dressed in a while, but it felt good. I felt pretty and fun, the kind of fun I used to feel once-upon-a-time… and I liked it. It made me want to try harder, to find that spark inside of myself that felt alive and the girl who met each day excited to be someone new, in a good way. I know she’s still there, that she’s still a part of me. I just have to find a way to listen to that voice instead of my voice of anxiety.

I have a closet full of clothes, a closet full of possiblities, and it’s time I started having more fun with it.

This could be the start of something new and exciting. I’m finally starting to feel my anxious blahs melting away, if only temporarily. And any excuse for shopping, right?

I was going to try and write something real, something beautiful and poetic, or cute, funny and Witty. Unfortunately it’s almost 11pm and I’m exhausted from work, feeling none of the above adjectives. Instead I’m going to listen to “Circus” by Britney Spears (the first CD I’ve bought in literally years) and cheat with a survey.  I thought there would be nothing better (since there is only 25.5 days left in the year) so do a review of my year. And I’m going to try and be as open and honest as I can be.

So here we go…

The Year in Review:

Was 2008 a good year for you?  2008 was certainly an interesting year for me. And a lot happened, that’s for sure. A good year though? Well, it had some good moments.

What was your favorite moment of the year?   I absolutely loved Andrew & my trip to Dalhousie and our summer adventures in Pictou. And our anniversary weekend was pretty damn amazing.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?    Waking up the morning after the toga party and realizing exactly how crazy everything had gotten, and realizing that I had hurt someone I cared about immensely, and realizing that I was turning into someone I didn’t want to be. And having to admit all of that out loud.

Where were you when 2008 began?    I was in my living room, but… I don’t remember anything.

Who were you with?    My parents, family friends, and Andrew of course.

Where will you be when 2008 ends?    In a hotel room with friends and family. And hopefully I will remember everything.

Who will you be with when 2008 ends?    My parents, family friends, my sister & her fiance, and Andrew of course. I’m also hoping that I will get to see my friends at some point in the evening.

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008?  Somewhat.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2009?    I’d like to spend more time with my friends, and not be so scared to admit that people like me. I’d also like to try and get healthier. I’d really like this to be a good year. And I’d like to let myself try and have more fun, and not be so hard on myself.

Did you fall in love in 2008?    No, but I remembered all the reasons I fell in love with in the first place.

Are you still in love with them?    I’ll be in love with them for the rest of my life.

Do you regret it?    Never in a million years

Did you breakup with anyone in 2008?    There were some rough, scary moments. And there were moments I was scared that we wouldn’t make it. But in the end, we’re still together and we still love each other.

Did you make any new friends in 2008?    Yes, and I love each and every one of them.

Who are your favorite new friends?    I don’t play like that. All of them have brought some amazing moments.

What was your favorite month of 2008?    I honestly can’t say I have a favorite. The beginning of the summer was simply amazing, but it also had rough moments. The end of summer held some pretty amazing moments too, but also was rough and shaky, so honestly I can’t choose a favorite.

Did you travel outside of the country in 2008?    Alas, no. Someday I will though.

How many different states did you travel to in 2008?    Provinces, you mean? I went to New Brunswick. So, one.

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2008?    My Uncle, may he rest in peace.

Did you miss anybody in the past year?    I did. I missed Andrew with him living in Halifax. I missed my friends. I miss my cousin now that she’s not living with us.

What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2008?    The Dark Knight. Hands down.

What was your favorite song from 2008?    “Circus” by Britney Spears has kind of taken over the space in my head lately. Although “The District Sleeps Alone tonight” & “Be Still my Heart” by the Postal Service share a special place in my heart, without a doubt.

What was your favorite record from 2008?    I’m not sure.

How many concerts did you see in 2008? One, but it trumps any other concert I could have ever attended. Bob Dylan. ♥

Did you have a favorite concert in 2008?    Bob Dylan, obviously.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?    This is the part where I hate being honest. Yes. In fact I had moments where I admitted to both myself and the boy I love that it was getting to the point where I was scared I was using it to numb other feelings and that, maybe, it was developing into a problem. I had some pretty bad moments, but I’ve learned to handle my emotions better. Although I still have moments where I don’t feel 100% in control, but the people around me keep me grounded.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?     No. The answer is still no, but I can’t leave it at this. I made some mistakes and this was one of them. It is not something I could ever see myself repeating, but… yes. I did do something I never, ever, though I would.

How many people did you sleep with in 2008?    The one I love.

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?    Yes, and I would say “man, I wish I could take it bad” but if I took it back then I never would have learned anything and then it could easily just happen again. I screwed up, I made some mistakes and I ended up losing trust. But in the end, I know now how strong my relationship is, and that the person I don’t want to be is still there, and it’s not as easy as saying I would never do something.

What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?   I have no idea.

Did you treat somebody badly in 2008?   I wouldn’t say I treated someone badly, but I hurt them.

Did somebody treat you badly in 2008?    Yes. But no one that really matters.

How much money did you spend in 2008?    More than I should have on things that I shouldn’t have.

What was your proudest moment of 2008?    Oh god, I don’t even know. This hasn’t been the proudest of years.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008?    Throwing up in my best friends purse from drinking way too much. Embarrassment is never glamorous.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be?      God, see.. I’m not sure I would and yet I would at the same time. Part of me believes that no matter how awful some of these moments were, they happened for a reason. I could sit here and name off all the things I’d change but then where would I be? Maybe I would have realized I needed a breather before things got so intense.

What are your plans for 2009?      Graduating from University. Working on writing. Working on my friendships and finding a balance between the Shannon I can be, the Shanna I want to be, and the Shannon I am.

It’s crazy to believe that yesterday was actually December 1st. I can’t believe how quickly this year has been passing. 24 days until Christmas. 29 days until New Years Eve, and the end of this year. And to be honest, I’m glad that 2008 is coming to an end. This year, at least the first half of the year, wasn’t exactly the best. There have definitely been some rough moments, and more than a couple moments which I wish I could change, and take back. The possibility of a brand new year, a start-over, is more exciting than I can say.

However, I’m not willing to just coast on auto pilot until January 1st. I’m trying to be positive about things, to keep an open mind, to not let Christmas stress me out and leave me in tears (23 days of Christmas shopping down and I’ve only had 2 melt-downs so far. We’ll see how many to go). My feelings for Christmas are usually mixed. Usually I can get about 2 days into December before being so-over-it. This year I’m actually going to try and enjoy the holiday, to not get too stressed (although finding Andrew’s present could prove otherwise, as it usually does).

So I’m trying to be an anti-Grinch, and embrace Christmas. We’ll see how it goes–it’s easy to download Christmas music and bake Christmas cookies for people and decorate but it’s another thing entirely to actually like the holiday. We’ll see how this reformed Scrooge will do, and if not–I can lock myself up until December 26th with my Soy-Nog and The Muppets Christmas Carol and The Nutcracker Ballet and try and survive. Well, that is if Christmas at the post office doesn’t kill me first.