I was going to try and write a real entry, but have invaded my fictional town of Dalkery, and therefore my brain is ignoring anything real. Writing my stories again feels wonderful, you have no idea how wonderful, but I didn’t want to forget this little blog of mine–I already updated [[tasty & gluten free]] so I wanted to share the love here as well. It took me a while to come up with something to write, and tada: I found this on Facebook, a bunch of friends were doing it.

You’re supposed to write 25 random things about yourself, and then tag the friends you want to learn more about.

So, in no particular order, 25 things about me:

1. I was born in Lahr, Germany.
2. My middle name is Rae (after my grandfather). I had two friends who also have the same middle name which just blows my mind.
3. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was five years old. There was a short aspiration to be a princess, and an actress, but both were short lived.
4. I am a recovered self injurer, and for the first time in my life I honestly believe that I have overcome it.
5. I love birds, all birds, from budgies, to ducks and even pigeons. My friends think I’m weird but I totally try to get them to come to me when I’m waiting for the bus. I also tend to name them often.
6. My 3 favorite singers are: Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan & Frank Sinatra.
7. I’ve written a movie script, based on one of my stories, and I’m dying to film it. I’m just terrified someone will think I’m weird if I do.
8. Sushi could possibly be my favorite food. Especially Kappa (cucumber) Maki.
9. If I could afford it, I would probably go to school forever and take every possible class.
10. My favorite (alcoholic) drink is Jack Daniels.
11. I love tofu and I don’t think it gets nearly enough love.
12. I love Batman. In fact, I have a collection of Batman inspired shirts: I have two with the Bat signal, one with Catwomen (old comic book version) and my Joker shirt, which I bought after seeing the Dark Knight for the second time.
13. I have the bottom of my bellybutton pierced instead of the top. I also pierced my bellybutton twice–myself, with a safety pin–before I turned 15. I was a rebel.
14. Part of me thinks it would be awesome to open my own restaurant someday–something that had food which was low fat, gluten free, dairy free, and had a collection of vegan and vegetarian friendly recipes.
15. I love to exercise, and I really miss it when I don’t. By the summer I want to start running, and make a goal to go running everyday. I just feel at my best when I am exercising.
16. I’m a pirate at heart.
17. Just before grade 10, lost 60 pounds in just over 2 months.
18. Sometimes I still feel like the fat ninth grader I once was–no matter if I weigh 96 pounds or 116 pounds. Part of me is scared I’ll always feel this way, and stuff like calories will forever haunt me.
19. I love Hello, Kitty and I plan on getting a Hello, Kitty skull and crossbones tattoo someday. (A very small one.)
20. I have two other tattoos I want to get in the near future: an infinity symbol on my wrist, and my bird Tripper, who flew away on 7-7-07. I plan on finally getting the Tripper tattoo this summer on the anniversary of the day he flew away.  I also want one on my ribs that reads: “You cannot have a beautiful ending without first making beautiful mistakes.”
21. I was on my high school dance team.
22. I always wanted bunk beds when I was kid–so I bought myself bunk beds last winter and I love them.
23. I already own my wedding dress, even though I won’t be getting married anytime soon. It cost me $35 at Frenchy’s and is the dress I’ve been dreaming about since I was a kid (once I shorten it about 2 inches).
24. Some of the best moments of my life (and most memorable, for sure) happened before I was even eighteen.
25. I prefer non-dairy milk over dairy milk even though technically I’m only lactose intolerant and can drink lactose free milk. I think chocolate Almond Breeze was probably the tastiest thing ever created. And nothing beats Rice Divine Mudd Pie ice cream.

Now I don’t have anyone in particular to tag, but if you want to let the world know more about you then I encourage you to share 25 random facts about yourself!

Maybe my trip down memory lane wasn’t the smartest idea in the whole wide world. At the time it seemed smart, seemed nice, but today it’s left me feeling sad and empty and… longing. I’m not even sure what I’m longing for even. I guess I’m just sitting in bed (like I have been all day, alas) just thinking about the people in those photographs, thinking about the memories we shared. Even worse, I tapped into my old diaryland diary, and read through all my old entries. You would have thought, reading through those words, I would feel better about where I am now. But I don’t. I mean I’ve conquered some of my biggest demons, but at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to that poetic girl.

Once upon a time the words just to flow so much easier. Daily, even. I used to have a poetry blog and would write in my diaryland daily and my own paper diary and my stories. And now it’s a struggle to figure out how to write in any of the above. I sit down and I try and I stare at a blank screen wondering what the hell it is I even want to say. Maybe that’s been the source of my anxiety for so long–I don’t even know what the hell it is I’m trying to say in the first place. If I could figure that out, the writing thing would be so much easier. Even now as I stare at the computer screen, at these words I’ve written, I still don’t know what I want to say. I just ramble on about it makes me feel, but never how I really, truly, feel.

What is it that I want–that I really, truly want?

I want to feel beautiful. I want to feel like I’m accomplished something. I want to start getting a handle on my emotions and especially my anxiety. I want my friends back. I want to really show Andrew how much he means to me (& how much I love him). I want to feel smart. I want to stop feeling jealous of the confidence of other people. I want to stop dreaming about sending my novel to a publisher, and actually send it. I want to walk into a bookstore and see my book on the shelf. I want to touch someone with my words. I want to stop dreaming about my tattoo and just do it. I want to wear something truly fabulous, and feel fabulous in it. I want to start exercising again. I want to feel strong and healthy. I want to stop caring about the calories in food. I want to cook something truly fabulous. I want to walk around at midnight & talk until sunrise. I want to lay out under the stars with the one I love. I want to travel somewhere beautiful and take a million pictures.

I want to feel alive again.

You’re stuck in the past a bit today, but it’s not such a bad thing,
really. In fact, you may find that people are more willing than usual
to reminisce with you and recall the good times.

My horoscope for today. I used to have an obsession with checking my horoscope regularly in high school, but I haven’t really cared so much as I’ve gotten older. It’s more of an occasional thing now, from time to time I’ll check it. This one struck me because not only is it describing how I’m feeling today, but how I’ve been feeling for the last couple days. Thinking about what can only be described as “the good old days”. Between the ages of fifteen and, oh, about nineteen I had more adventures with my best friends than people have in a lifetime. But the thing about growing up, is sooner or later people–you, them, or both–change. Nothing stays the same forever. People get older, they listen to new music, they make new friends, you make new friends, fall in love.

You just grow up.

For the longest time I was terrified of growing up, of things changing. My reactions to change usually involve tears. But lately, the more I think about this thing called growing up, the more I started to–maybe–be okay with it. Of course I still want to hold onto the way things used to be. There are a reason that those memories mean so much to me and a reason why I wouldn’t want to lose that. But growing up is important too. Because if I didn’t grow up, didn’t change, then my stories never would have been inspired, I never would have met Andrew, I wouldn’t be the girl I am today.

And that would be bad.

Going through old photographs, I decided the best way to reflect fondly on these memories was to compile my favorite, set to a song that instantly takes me back to seventeen. I cherish these photographs almost as much as I cherish the memories behind them. These are the people who I will never forget and mean the world to me. They have inspired my greatest stories and been there for me no matter what. And in my heart, I’ll be forever seventeen, sneaking champagne down to the lake to drink with my friends and having the best days of our lives.

Okay, so this entry might seem a little silly to some (especially with the special event happening in Washington today) but when you’re in love, you’re in love. There is nothing silly about love.

♥

Once in a while, I have been known to fall in love with certain things. Usually these items I covet are related to fashion–Balenciaga Motorcycle bag; Ray-ban sunglasses; American Apparel Figure-skater dress. But, once in a while, the source of my love is more technological than that. My love for technology has usually been pretty simple: A Blackberry. An Ipod. A Sidekick (someday).

Even before I fell in love with that beautiful computer geek of a boyfriend, there was one thing I loved and lusted for more than anything. And that was a Macintosh computer.

The first time I ever caught a glimpse of a Mac (that I remember, at least) was when I was 12 years old and discovered Sex and The City, late at night when my parents were out. You would have thought at twelve I would have been more fascinated by the “naughty” parts of the show, but instead I remember staring at my television, and fascinated by the computer that Carrie Bradshaw was typing out her deepest thoughts on.

From that moment on, I was absolutely in love with the computer. It was cute, it was different. And I just loved the little apple icon on the back. All I could think was “someday, I’m going to have one of those computers and I’m going to write out the greatest stories on it.“I could just picture myself sitting at my own desk, maybe in front of a window, maybe not, typing out my latest novel.

And then there was Cordelia on Angel, who also used an ibook, one which was even cuter and even more covet worthy.This one, white and blue, was so cute, and so beautiful. It was all I could ever want. Even now, looking at those computers, I still think it would be so cool to have one of the colored ibooks (which I know is probably not the actual name for them, but oh well, I digress). Andrew has a teal imac, which he bought for $35 and I love to just look at. Too bad it never gets used.

The Tangerine ibook that Elle Woods used in Legally Blonde was also a favorite, even more so. It made her stand out from those around her, and allowed for her to be her. Maybe that was why I always loved the Mac–it stood out in a crowd, it was different. Sure, the same thing can’t really be sad nowadays, because everyone and their Mom seems to have one on my University campus, but oh well. Again, I’m getting off topic.

I was so obsessed with the Mac I even downloaded add-ons for my Sims game: the Simbook. Sure, I was playing the Sims on my PC, but in my heart I was a Mac girl and I could play out my Mac fantasies everyday. There were even different colored ones so I could really make my dreams come true. You can still find add-ons for the Sims which allows you to download Macs for your Sims to play on. And if I still had the Sims you can guarantee that I would be playing the Sims constantly and all my little sim people would be playing games and searching for jobs using their very own, colored simbook.

That’s a picture from the Sims 2, but it gets my point across. Like I said, I was a girl obsessed (and, from this entry, I’d say I still am a girl obsessed). I saw Mac’s everywhere. Even my favorite girl detective slash young adult hero owned herself my dream computer (although I find it interesting how the production crew on Veronica Mars went to great lengths to try and hide the apple symbol. I never noticed this until I started rewatching the show, but they really do get creative when hiding the symbol as though we couldn’t tell that she’s using a Macbok Pro.)

With passing episode of Veronica Mars, my love for this beautiful computer grew and grew, even though, at the time, I had a PC laptop. That hated me and was constantly giving me trouble. I won’t name the brand, but let’s just say it was the suckiest computer I’ve ever used in the entire world. You know what made my love for this computer grow even more was the fact that Andrew purchased himself a mac. A beautiful white mac which I occasionally used and therefore fell in love with even more. Up to this point, I had never even touched one, and once I did, I never wanted to stop. And therefore as soon as I could afford it, my dreams came true: I bought my very own MacIntosh computer.

And honestly, I’ve never loved anything (except you know, people) more.

And so, here is the beautiful creature in which my entire entry has been dedicated to:

Isn’t it beautiful in all it’s purple glory? Half my University may have a Mac, but I haven’t seen one purple mac as beautiful as mine is, that’s for sure. It makes me happy. And trust me, many a great story will be penned on this beauty. And the future macs I plan on adding to my collection.

Because, you know: once you go Mac, you never go back!

So I have a somewhat exciting announcement: I’ve started my own food blog.

This is actually something which was really important for me to do, because of my love-hate relationship with food. Ever since going gluten free, finding the “love” aspect of food has slipped from the radar. One of my favorite things in the entire world is grocery shopping, finding new things, coming up with new and different favorite foods. And yet for a while I forgot why I loved grocery shopping so much–it became something that made me anxious, that I couldn’t deal with. I stopped really wanting to grocery shop at all.

I’ve been thinking about starting this blog for a while, but was lacking both the inspiration and motivation to start writing. But with the way that this year started, I made it my mission to get healthy again and I’ve been doing an alright job. Sure, some days have been a struggle and discovering gluten-free, dairy-free maple donuts has been my greatest weakness, but I’m working on it. And I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Or, at the very least, on my way to doing pretty well. It’s a journey, a long journey, but I think I’m ready to take the trip.

I have always loved food, and loved cooking and I really want to find rediscover that love again.

[[tasty & gluten free]]

Another Sunday afternoon, another impending snowstorm. It seems this winter has been nothing but snowstorm after snowstorm after snowstorm, which is funny because last year I think we had like one real snowstorm which was very quickly followed by two days of torrential downpour. The only other storm I can think of was a Friday night, and only remember it because I had go out to a club with friends and we left our coats in the car instead of carrying them with us, and it was fricking freezing. Seeing snow everyday takes some getting used to. I’m just glad our -20 degree weather is over with, for the time being.

I’d probably appreciate this storm more if (a) I had any chocolate Silk left to warm and have as hot chocolate and (b) I had someone to go sledding with (oh, and, maybe a sled). But since I have none of those things I am so over snow. Infact, summer? You can come back now and bring your sunny skies and blistering heat. I’d much rather be trying to figure out what to wear during a heatwave than during a blizzard, thank you very much.

The only thing that keeps me from having a wickedly bad mood is my non-credit creative writing workshop which starts tomorrow night.

One of the biggest things I’ve been struggling with lately is my writer’s block. I started a story around the end of the summer, maybe closer to October, and got about eleven chapters into it before I was crippled with writers block. I’ve tried to get back into it–the story is in my head, I know exactly how it ends, I’m just struggling with those in between  details–but no luck. That’s why I’m so excited about this writing seminar. It’s supposed to be for people who are trying to figure out their voice, and who have maybe never written before, but that doesn’t matter. I may already know what my voice is, I just need to rediscover how to get it down on paper. Again. And this writing seminar is sure to help.

One of my goals for this year is to write again, and this is the best way to get a head start on that goal. I haven’t finished a novel in years, which is frustrating when I have a thousand stories floating around that I feel the need to tell, and a thousand characters whose lives I know every detail to. And what is most important right now is that I figure out a way to tell my stories, to get everything down.

Because someday, I’m going to walk into a bookstore and my book is going to be on the shelf. And a book full of blank pages is not going to be a NYT best seller. Or make an impact on anyone.

So this morning I found out something very exciting. Something which inspires me to write!

My second favorite show of all time (second only to the great Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is becoming a great feature film: Veronica Mars. I have been waiting for this announcement since the day the CW–those bastards–killed any hope I had that television is more than just reality show whores and really attractive actors playing doctors with horrible scripts and super dramatic relationship problems.

Let me start this by saying that when I was a kid, pre-Buffy, I had two childhood heroes: Nancy Drew and Penny (of Inspector Gadget fame). I can remember being in the second grade and playing Nancy Drew in the playground, pretending to pick at locks in order to “solve” crimes. It’s not an understatement to say that I wrote about a thousand stories as a child involving me and my best friends trying to stop the bad guys, all while looking cute and making witty remarks.

Buffy somewhat solved that void, but when Buffy ended my heart sank. Reruns could only do so much. ‘

And then, in 2004, came the answer to my television problem. A little television program with great writing and that Buffy air to it. So obviously, I immediately fell in love with that show. To be honest I didn’t end up watching the first season until that summer when CTV started airing it. Of course I tried getting Andrew into it initally, but he didn’t really pay that much attention while I just freaked. When the second season started, I was obsessed, although Andrew tended to watch House which was on during the same time slot. Our Tuesday nights never meshed. But the next summer, after buying the first season and, later, the second season on DVD I tried to get Andrew into it. And *bam* it worked. To the point where Andrew, halfway through the first season, borrowed the DVDs and stayed up all night watching the rest of the season because he had to find out what happened.

So at 5am this morning, when I found out on ONTD that the Veronica Mars movie is ago, I had to quiet my fangirl excitement. I’ve been having a total Veronica Mars obsession lately, and Andrew and I are currently re-working our way through the first season again. So finding out that the Veronica Mars movie will becoming to a theatre near me in (hopefully) the not too far off future, I can’t help but get super, super excited. And want to share this news with the world. I can’t wait to find out what happened: Was Keith Mars voted back into office as Sheriff? Did Logan and Veronica end up together? Did Mac and Dick finally end up together? Can I have Piz?

Oh wait, that wasn’t a loose storyline… but can I? I promise to have him home before midnight.

And for those who have never watched Veronica Mars and have no idea the amazingness they are missing (and are not close for me to personally invest them in the television program, like I have been doing with those around me. Up next, my sister and her fiance who I know will appricate it as much as I do) a short video which is going to show you all that you are missing. And hopefully make you go out, rent the first season, and become instantly hooked. So just sit back, relax, and let the magic happen…

ps. Rob Thomas, if you happen to be reading this, all I ask of this new movie is that you throw back to the orginal version of the theme song by the Dandy Warhols. If my boyfriend doesn’t do his Veronica Mars credits dance, then I will have to shed a tear. Oh yeah, and don’t eff this up. Thanks. =)

To be honest, I don’t really have anything interesting to say on this frigid January evening. But, since I’ve made the goal to try and post more often, here I am. And what better to post than a scene from my favorite show and a current musical obsession. Besides, any excuse for Chuck Bass is a good excuse. I’m not even sure what it is about this scene that just gets me every time, but I find something about it tugs at my hopeless romantic heart strings.

So, here, for your viewing enjoyment–my favorite scene from my favorite show and my current favorite song:

ps. Usually I don’t even like bow ties, but somehow he makes it look sexy. Yes, I realize that I am obsessed…. but come on! He’s Chuck Bass!

It appears as though I have let my writing slip my mind as I settle back into the student state of mind. Well, not just that. Andrew and I have been spending a lot more time together since I have one less thing to worry about (work) and therefore my computer has been left alone more and more. When I haven’t been catching up with Andrew, and remembering exactly why I fell in love with him, I’ve been trying to concentrate on getting my life re-organized again which has turned out to be more of a process then I thought it would be. I’m just glad to want to clean again, and to want to keep my life from falling to peices again.

One thing, though, that I am still finding difficult is writing.

Once upon a time I used to make a point to work on my stories at least an hour every day. Nowadays, however, it’s not coming as easy. I’m not sure if it’s that I’ve been distracting myself with surfing ebay and reading blogs, or if I just can’t get back into the same state of mind. I’ve been working on the same novel since the summer, and stuck. Not even my same trusted playlist has been able to coax the words from my brain to the page, which is more than a little frustrating. Part of me thinks that maybe I need to expand my musical tastes and part of me is scared that I just need to lock myself in a room (preferably without the internet) for a day with just an open word document and my Ipod and see what happens.

My current hope is that the creative writing workshop that I start next Monday will be my butt kick, and get the words flowing. Because it’s not like the ideas aren’t coming–they are. They just get stuck inside, floating around, and I can’t figure out the way to tell the stories.

And if anyone has any music inspiration, I’m in dire need. There is only so many stories the Dandy Warhols and The Postal Service can offer, I guess. The Ataris never stop delivering though. They will always be the band I turn to when writing has hit the wall.

So it just occurred to me that I have yet to write a real first entry of 2009. I know most people start out with resolutions for the new year to come (eat right, lose weight, ect.). To be honest, when this new year started, I was pretty much counting on it to be similar–though, better I hoped–to last year. And the first couple days weren’t great. I won’t get into the messy details, but it gave me little hope that 2009 could be different.

And then I realized something: if I want things to change then I have to make the changes. And I can’t just say I’m going to change, and then sit around just waiting for it to happen. If I want things to be better, if I want to feel better, then I have to make it happen–get up off my butt and just do it.

I spent a large chunk of 2008 in a funk. I’m not sure what it was, but I just stopped really caring. I didn’t care enough to get dressed up pretty. I didn’t care enough to go anywhere but my bedroom. I didn’t care enough to put effort into anything. I stopped writing, stopped trying to write. Instead I would sit on my computer and let the hours pass me by. In all honestly, I feel like the last year–give or take a couple months–was just wasted. I didn’t do anything, didn’t accomplish anything. And it’s a horrible feeling to look back on 12 months of your life and think “What did I do?”

And so, I’ve made a decision. I want to be the “me” I once was. The sassy fun girl I used to be. It’s been a long time since I have felt like her, and I don’t want to spend my days wishing things were different. Sitting around hoping I would wake up feeling different accomplished nothing. No, if I want things to change then I have to make things change. If I want to feel like myself again, then I have to do whatever it takes to feel good again. To feel happy. To laugh uncontrollably or dance for no reason in the middle of a grocery store, or just wake up smiling for a no reason. Small, silly things. But to feel that kind of spirit again would be so wonderful.

All the people in my want to see is me smile again.

And I think that is a resolution I can keep.