Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul Varjak: Sure.

Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that’d make me feel like Tiffany’s, then – then I’d buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

I wish it were that simple for me to get out of this funk. A cab ride and a pastry later and everything would be okay.  Instead I have the blahs and the inability to think or feel anything I’m supposed to. I woke up this morning and couldn’t figure out if I had actually even slept. Even saying “woke up this morning” should indicate that I did, and yet I still have no clue if I slept last night. Everything feels dream-like, but nightmarish, like a dream you close your eyes tight and hope to wake up from. When I was a kid I used to get these night terrors, and I would spend most nights, paralyzed with fear, closing my eyes, hoping I would wake up and it would all be over. That feeling fills me now, and I sit here wanting to close my eyes, and when I open them have everything be okay. But when you have no idea what is wrong, it’s hard to wake up–it’s even harder to wake up when you’re already awake.

I’m supposed to go out tonight. I’m supposed to put on a fabulous outfit and smile and have an awesome time.

Things have been good with my friends. Familiar. Maybe that’s what freaks me out, and what makes me want to curl up in my bed and push the world away. Things have felt like this felt, felt good. And then I’ve let myself get comfortable, let my guard down, and watch as everything crumbled underneath me. Patterns repeating, smiles fading, nights spent curled up alone in my room wondering why I’m alone when I’m not alone at all. Maybe all this time my friends weren’t the ones leaving me, I was the one leaves them. Pushing them away before anyone can hurt me in return. All I want is to feel whole again, stable. To have everything under control. It felt like things were beginning to come together, that things were okay. And now I can feel everything breaking down again. Patterns repeating.

I’m so far from where I started.

I have been singing and dancing to this since Sunday night. It’s probably one of the best things I’ve watching in a while. And I have to say that Hugh Jackman is one of the most charming celebrities around. He can sing AND dance—I’m sold.

Two days into “Spring” break, and it sucks.

Okay, that wasn’t positive, but so far into this spring break I’ve been fighting the Mike Tyson of colds (and he’s winning) and now, because of that bitch of a cold, I have pink eye. PINK EYE. You know, that things that elementary kids get because they keep sticking their fingers in their eyes, or something. But, according to Wikipedia, Pink Eye can also be a beautiful side effect of a particularly bad cold, or sore throat. Oh, Mike Tyson, you play dirty.

I also just love reading that it can last up to three weeks. Because who doesn’t want to come back from Spring Break with a contagious disease?

Thankfully I didn’t have anything huge planned for my break excluding watching teen movies, playing video games, catching up on both reading, and writing. However, I had planned on going over to campus for both a meeting with Carol about my writing and to work on a couple projects. Right now, I definitely don’t feel like leaving the house or having anyone see me. I don’t even want to go shopping (forget the fact I don’t have money–not important). And with a throat that feels like sandpaper, and now this eye… well I don’t have high hopes for the rest of my week getting any better. Hopefully, maybe by Friday, I can feel good enough for birthday celebrations with friends. I have yet to take the pants out on a worthy adventure, and downtown dancing is definitely a worthy adventure.

And I can not let this entry end like this.
I need something better to offer than “pink eye”.

And so, for your viewing pleasure, the three purses I picked up on a shopping trip to Frenchy’s on Sunday with my mother. Frenchy’s has always been my favorite store, not only because it has scored me not only a black Vera Wang dress, but also my Yves Saint Laurent men’s dress shirt which is probably one of the most comfortable shirts I own and one of my favorites hands down. Sometimes when I go to Frenchy’s I find myself a cute shirt, the perfect jeans, an adorable dress, and on this particular occasion I was more in an accessories kind of mind. And so we have my three purses of choice, and the spring-like scarf I just fell in love with the second I saw it.

(And please excuse the crappy webcam quality pictures. Left my camera at in my friend’s kitchen after a night of drinks and that is where is lies, safely, until I make the journey up the street to rescue it.)

What I love the most about these purses is how different the three of them are. The gold one is this sweet and innocent romantic purse. The snakeskin purse is sexier, and would be fun for  a night of dancing. And the fringed purse reminds me of something a rockstar would carry, and I have a feeling I will be using a lot this summer. And how much did all three of these purses cost me. $9.25 plus tax.

And I would say the “rockstar purse”, as I’ve dubbed it, is probably my favorite of the three of them. It was the purse which caught my eye first and I just had to have it. It’s so original, and I love the personality of it.

Now I’m off to fill my afternoon with sugar-free popsicles and broth and Mario Party 8. It may not be Cancun, and there may be too much snow on the ground, but it’s my version of Spring Break and it’s all I have and so I’m going to live it up, even if I have low-cal Grape-Cranberry juice instead of Pina Coladas and Uggs instead of bikinis.

When I was a kid I probably would have done anything to be “cool”–I thought popularity had to be the answer to all of life’s problems. All I had to do was the find the source of this power, and everything would be okay. If only I could wear my hair the right way, wear the right clothing, lose sixty pounds and say the right words, then everything would be okay. And I went on believing this for a long time, thinking that I could never be happy unless I somehow found myself as one of the beautiful people. And no matter what I did, including losing weight, changed the way other people saw me. It took a long time for me to figure out who I was, who I wasn’t, and who I should have never wanted to be.

And you know what I’ve realized: I’m not cool. In fact, I’m a downright nerd. And I’m really okay with that.

I like watching Disney movies, especially the ones that were popular when I was a kid (think Brink, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century & Wish Upon a Star). Sometimes I get dressed up and stare in the mirror and pretend I’m at a Hollywood Movie Premiere, or just out and about. I like country music. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is now, and will always be my favorite television show. I am completely fascinated with the Olsen twins and watch New York Minute whenever I need to be cheered up. I would probably rather stay home and play board games then go out and get wasted. I think playing Scrabble is fun. I adore Hello, Kitty. I enjoyed Twilight, the movie AND the book. I still listen to Blink 182, NSYNC, S Club 7 and old school Britney Spears religiously and think there is nothing better than putting on music and dancing around my bedroom. I will dance in the middle of the grocery store and I don’t care what you think. I wish were life was a musical, and I enjoy watching High School Musical. I squeal when I’m excited, and I get excited over the littlest things. I look fifteen and sometimes I act twelve, but it really is okay with me. My Mom is still my biggest hero, and sometimes I’d rather hang out with her than friends.

And I still sleep with my favorite stuffed toys.

I’m never going to be “cool”, but you know what? Okay. I’m not cool. Honestly if cool means trying to be someone you’re not then that is fine with me. I’m happy, and that’s all that matters.

♥

I’m having one of those days where I can’t think of anything really all that important to write about, but I feel the urge to write. We’re waiting on another winter storm, and I’m on campus half studying, half thinking. For my writing seminar, we had a group write this morning (which is why I’m on campus early) and it was filmed for television and I made the brave move to let them interview me. For someone who is super shy, I’m not sure why I don’t mind talking in front of a camera.

Anyways, instead of discussing that, I thought I would fill out another one of those all about me surveys, which I can’t help but enjoy taking, even if my life isn’t all that exciting. Only two more days a day and a half until my reading week begins, and I have entire week to concentrate not only one finishing up projects, and reading, but myself. Oh there will be facials involved.

1) WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Mom wanted to name me after my Aunt Sharon, but she also wanted me to have my own name so she named me Shannon, because it was similar, but at the same time, it was different. However, my middle name–Rae–is after my grandfather.

2) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday morning, freaking out about my presentation. Put me in front of a camera and I can probably talk your ear off. Tell me to present about Darwin in front of my class and I’m an anxious, sloppy mess. Why is that?

3) DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes, although I have been known to have perfectionist moments about it. But it’s been a while since I ripped a page out of my notebook because I couldn’t stand the look of it. So that’s growth, right?

4) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
None of the above, thanks.

5) DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
My birds and the sea monkeys.

6) IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I think so, maybe.

7) DO YOU LIKE SARCASM?
When I use sarcasm I tend to just sound bitchy, so I try not to use it often. But some people sound awesome when they use sarcasm.

8) DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yep.

9) WOULD YOU BUNJEE JUMP?
Yes, but I think Andrew would have to be with me or else I couldn’t do it. It is something I think I want to do before I die though.

10) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I am not a cereal person, but Rice Chex. And it makes me so sad that Canada doesn’t have it because it’s amazing, and gluten-free!

11) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Strawberry So Delicious & Rice Dream Mudd Pie.

12) DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Not often. No, not ever.

13) WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Smiles, usually and then what they’re wearing. Not in a judgmental way, but just because I find that how people dress can say a lot about their personality. Oh, I guess that technically is judgment.

14) RED OR PINK?
Pink.

15) WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF?
My body.

16) WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
I’m not sure I miss anyone, really.

17) WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m wearing blue jeans tucked into black (fake) uggs. Not original, granted, but at least it’s warm, especially with that snowstorm looming. And by looming I mean freaking raging outside.

18) WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The Doors — “Roadhouse Blues”

19)IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Orange. Or one of those weird two-toned crayons that was purple and orange or two other equally weird colors which just somehow go together perfectly, even though you wouldn’t think they would work.

20) FAVORITE SMELLS?
Andrew.

21) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My Mom & then Andrew. It was within a five minute period.

22) FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Hockey, I guess. It can get pretty exciting.

23) HAIR COLOR?
Back to my natural dark brown.

24) EYE COLOR?
Amber brown.

25) DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. Although sometimes I think it would be cool to buy those different colors of contacts.

26) FAVORITE FOOD?
Vegetables, especially zucchini.

27) SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Uh, neither. Drama.

28) LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Charlie Bartlett. Really good movie, I liked it a lot.

29) WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m wearing three shirts: two black, one blue, pink and like a darker pink//purple color.

30) SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer, hands down. I am so over winter.

31) HUGS OR KISSES?
Depends on the person, but kisses.

32) WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW?
I started Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell, but then school became stressful. I plan on reading like 3 books next week though.

33) WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don’t have one because I have a laptop.

34) WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Oh god, nothing good. That’s for sure.

35) FAVOURITE SOUNDS?
The sounds of Andrew sleeping beside me, my birds chirping and Frank Sinatra’s voice. That man could sing.

36) ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES?
Oh god, this is hard. I think I’m going to have to go with The Beatles though. Although I have seen the Stones in concert though, which was absolutely amazing.

35) DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can put my legs over my head. And I can write.

36) WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Lahr, Germany.

37) HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
First, walking through the darkness of Colby after Hurricane Juan, which he doesn’t remember. And then my friend Ella organized to have us meet a couple days later down at Caldwell Road School and that was how we officially met.

38) FAVORITE COLOR?
Oh god. I have like four favorites: pink, purple, orange & green.

49) CATS OR DOGS?
Birds.

50) WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Colby Village, Nova Scotia, Canada. The center of the entire universe, obviously. =)

Have fun, just don’t have amnesia.

I think Samantha said it best on Sex and the City, in relation to Carrie on her ex-boyfriend Mr. Big. And that was my motto Sunday night, after being invited to a house party with friends. What worried me the most is it has been a long time since I went out and about to a house party with my friends–the last time being the summer. And it didn’t end well. That, and the fact is, it’s been a long time since I’ve been with my friends. And after what happened last time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into the whole thing. The truth is I’m so tired of being disappointed by my friends. So, deciding I was going to go out with these people I told myself that it doesn’t mean that everything is going to change. It doesn’t mean that everything will be like it used to be. Seeing them would be fun, but it didn’t mean that anything was different.

And I had fun. It’s hard not to being surrounded by the people that have been there for some of my best (and worst) moments. But there was also something missing.

I was home by midnight. In fact, I had probably fallen asleep (actually fallen asleep, not passed out) by 11:30, maybe earlier. I think that shows that I’m definitely not the girl I used to be, the girl that had no problem staying up all night with her friends, with drinks and ect. Even more so, all I could think about was, although I was having fun, spending the night home with Andrew would have been wonderful. It’s not that I don’t want to go out with friends, and have a couple drinks, and go dancing and dress up. I’m just not so sure that I want to keep in that high school mentality of hanging out. Part of me felt this way already, and I knew that, but now I think I really get it. The world is changing and I’m growing up. It’s time to be okay with it, to embrace it. I’m not seventeen anymore. And I shouldn’t be scared of that.

At seventeen, I never wanted to grow up, I wanted to live my life at the end of a bottle, with my very best friends beside me. Never grow up, we would never grow up.

Now I thinkg I’m okay with whatever is going to come next. And maybe they will beside me, a little bit older, a little more wiser. And maybe they won’t be. But whatever happens, I’m going to be okay with it. I think, no matter what happens, I’m finally okay with it.

Lately I’ve been posting about clothes a lot, haven’t I? This particular dress was given to me by Andrew for Valentine’s Day, a complete surprise. As much as I adore this dress, and have coveted it for ages upon ages, I never actually thought Andrew would (A) buy it for me, or (B) think to go out and buy it for me. But it’s funny, because for Valentine’s Day I also bought him something to wear, a shirt from XKCD, which is his favorite website. We’re a fashion couple, I guess. It’s all about the threads.

Our Valentine’s Day was simple, much simpler than we even planned. But after some pretty devastating news on Friday night, dinner together & a couple movies (plus some Wii bowling) was exactly what I needed my Valentine’s Day to be.

Just the two of us, together.

♥

A lot is going on right now. Originally, I had a Valentine’s Day themed post about love prepared. But unfortunately–and for reasons I don’t really wanted to get into, but not related to love of anything of the like–I didn’t feel like finishing it, let alone posting it. So instead I thought I would do something not so sentimental, but just what I need right now. Something silly, and fun, and fabulous.

These are my fabulous, brand new pleather tights. My sister thinks they are the ugliest thing alive, but I have to admit I haven’t been this excited about tights in a very long time. Of course right now the only place I can wear them is inside (especially since it’s snowing outside, again) but I had to have them.

Now I just a place to wear them, beside the grocery store.

It’s February, and you know what that means: Valentine’s Day. ♥

I have to say, even though I’m a pretty anti-holiday person, I have always loved Valentine’s Day. Halloween may be my favorite holiday, but Valentine’s Day could be a close second. When I was a kid I was really obsessed with it. I loved filling out those little paper Valentine’s and giving one to each one of my classmates. In fact, I still love buying those Valentine’s and giving them out, even though I couldn’t imagine doing it in my University classes. It may be one of the most commercialized holiday’s, but I will always love it for some reason. And it’s not the chocolate–no, it’s definitely not the chocolate.

I’m big into trying to find the perfect gift for Andrew when it comes to Valentine’s Day, not so much something you have to buy, just something perfect. However, after almost 5 & half years and six Valentine’s Days together, figuring out the perfect gift gets harder and harder. To be honest, I have no idea how people who have been together for 10, 20, or even 70 years know what to get that other person! But, I always try to come up with something wonderful for Andrew, and once again this year I think I figured out something he will love, and not only that, but will make him smile. And to me, Valentine’s Day is all about that: making the one you love smile.

This year we’re planning on a lower key Valentine’s Day—staying in, making supper (yummy healthy supper), watching a couple movies, maybe play some video games. We’re just going to relax and be together, and have fun. I’m making him something sweet, and have been a little gluten & dairy free Martha Stewart this week, trying to find the perfect tofu frosting. I can’t wait to surprise him with my baked creation. I’m still trying to figure out how exactly I’m going to decorate it (and debating between cupcakes or a heart-shaped cake) but no matter what, I know he will love either. And I dig that.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Part 2 of the Great Closet Clean-Out.

I’ve done the whole extreme clean thing before, going through clothes and the etc. But this is probably the first time I’ve stopped actually consider what I want to keep, and why. Looking back over almost 10 years worth of clothing, it wasn’t easy. I know for some people music can take people back to a place, a memory. And for me, clothing does the same thing. Just holding a shirt I can be taken back–to the first time I bought it, to the first time I wore it, to something special that happened while wearing it.  Of course this doesn’t happen with all clothing–if it did, I have a feeling cleaning would have been even harder.

And so the journey through the mess that was my closet began.

The worst part of all? Realizing that no matter how much I love something, sometimes you just have to realizing that certain clothes last forever. And no amount of wishing it going to make it be the same shirt it once was. And so those shirts had to be tossed. I think more than anything that is what makes it worse. Not only am I giving away clothes but, unfortunately, throwing them away. And, in throwing them away, letting go of the memories attached.

But the great thing about letting go is that when you do, it makes room for other things to come into your life. Even though sometimes it feels comfortable to hide that special thing in the back of your closet, it takes up room, and when something great comes along, there may not be enough in your life for it. So while it may not be the easiest thing to do, and it make take more strength then you ever thought possible, you have to let go. You have to move on: to what’s new, what could be special and what makes you smile.

However, those really special shirts, skirts and dresses never go out of style.