Black pinstripe blazer. Pink paisley H&M shirt. Black Joe tank top. Light blue capri’s. Sparrow necklace. Black peeptoe wedges (not pictured).

Thursday’s are usually busy days, today being no exception. The weather isn’t as warm and summery as it has been, so hence the keep-me-warm blazer. I adore this shirt too: my sister gave it to me. Actually the whole outfit is put together from hand me downs: shirt and blazer thrifted from sister. Jean capri’s thrifted from little cousin Vanessa. Black peeptoe wedges thrifted from Mom. Perfect for a shopping and sushi date with Mom.

In addition to my trip to the dentist, Mom and I took a trip to the mall searching for a dress for graduation–the dress. A present from my parents to me for graduation. And I found it: a beautiful blue Calvin Klein dress that is flowy and pretty and I want so bad. The only problem is this beautiful dress is slightly damaged. Which is a shame because its the exact look I’m going for for my graduation dress: sweet, romantic but also sophisticated.

picture from: www.dillards.com

I just love the coloring of this dress: it’s even prettier in the store. That paired with a cute pair of wedges would be just perfect (and without the sash… I like the flowy-ness of the dress). Oh, pair that with the fact that it’s majorly on sale and it would be way perfect. So dress shopping tomorrow means keeping that in mind but also trying not to keep in mind too much so that I find it impossible to buy anything else. Yes–the idea of graduating is really starting to settle in. Mom and I were discussing the graduation party that she will inevitably throw for me over our lunch date. The yummy Shannon friendly foods that will make the party perfect: gluten-free and dairy-free deliciousness. It’s sort of, kind of exciting when you really think about it. Especially because we’re going to make it all gluten-free: I’m going to make cookies and cupcakes and there will be gluten-free donuts cropped into the perfect size for sharing.

Now as long as I don’t have a mental breakdown the day of, everything will be perfect.

Blue knitted sweater. White wife beater. Distressed Bongo bluejeans. Blue fuzzy slippers (not pictured).

Geeky confession time? I bought this sweater the summer before the 10th grade, before I went to high school. Evidence of my inability to part with my favorite things right here. And I bought it based on this sweater worn by Sarah Michelle Gellar in season 2 of Buffy, episode 4 (Inca Mummy Girl). Yes, I specifically bought something because I wanted to look like Buffy. I remember wearing this sweater for confidence, and some times I would pretend I was Buffy. Okay, I was 15. Give a girl a break.

It’s kind of funny how much this sweater has seen, if you think about it. High School. First real boyfriend. First real heartbreak. Summers. Memories (good and bad). Falling in love for the first time. It’s been a while since I’ve actually worn this sweater. Once upon a time I used to wear this when… arms needed to be covered. And I remember days when Andrew would see me wearing this sweater and that look would cross his face: fear. Thankfully those days are behind me and I hope I can create new memories for this sweater because it’s pretty fabulous, and comfy and warm. And perfect for another lazy day like today, when the beautiful and amazing summer weather has faded into seasonable weather. I think I’m going to go for a walk… I have a letter to mail. And maybe for old times take I’ll pretend I’m Buffy, even for a minute.

Okay, maybe you shouldn’t give me a break. 15 or 22, Buffy is still my hero.

Maroon “goddess” dress. Black tank. Sparrow necklace. Black braided headband.

It’s a beautiful day today. Andrew and I went for a nice long walk in the 30 degree weather. It’s like the middle of July, except it’s April. This dress (although pretty maxi in length) is probably on of my favorite dresses. It’s long, but sheer and light. It makes me feel like a goddess, which was kind of what my look was inspired by.

White Wal-mart T-shirt. Andy Warhol Levi Capris. Purse thrifted from Mom. Black Cartigan. Orange beady necklace.

Another day. Another outfit. This time it was a going-grocery-shopping-with-Mom outfit. Once again the strangeness of not being in school is hitting me. I’m adoring the sunshine though. And I picked up the cutest straw hat I’ve ever seen from Joe. I know that those straw cowboy hats are always popular for the summer and the beach, but I thought this hat was different but also had that beachy feel. Which should be great when it actually gets warm enough to go to the beach.

In other non-clothing news (because really, I want to be more about just a daily outfit here), Andrew’s grandmother passed away yesterday morning. And Andrew being Andrew, he’s not saying much. Quiet reserve. And I’m trying to be there for him, but I’m finding it so hard to say the right things or know what the right things are to say. More than anything I want to wrap my arms around him, pull him in and give him a great big hug. We’re going to spend tomorrow together, and I’m going to make him cupcakes because… well, I’m good at making cupcakes. And for some reason making cupcakes seems like the thing to do.

Sometimes life just makes me so sad sometimes. I don’t understand how cruel life can be, especially cancer. Why do people have to get cancer? Why do people have to die? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

It feels strange sitting in my bedroom on a Sunday afternoon without having to worry about getting stuff done. No essays to write, no exams to study for. And while there is nothing better right now than curling up in bed and watching the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer–currently watching season four–it has occurred to me that I need to find things to do, to keep my hands busy. Looking for a job is definitely on the list, although not as actively as when I graduate, but I’m trying to come up with things to do. Writing has always been my hobby–the one thing I constantly turn to. But until I find myself in full find a job mode, I need things to do to keep from slowly going insane. When I graduated from High School, and was jobless, I spent a great deal of time watching CSI: Las Vegas and making pillows.

So what to do with my free time.

I’m thinking of taking up running, maybe because it can clear my head (and I’m desperate to get into better shape). And there are a bunch of books which I want to read, which means I’ll probably be venturing to the library as soon as I finish the books I own. More than anything I wish I could find creative things to do. I do love my coloring–yes, I’m 22 and I adore coloring books and crayons–and I’ve been toying with the idea of taking up sketching or painting… things to do that can calm the nerves, be relaxing.

I really am trying to get out into the world more… to stop hiding in my (now clean) bedroom. Going out yesterday, if only for a little while, with Ashley and Mishy was good for me. And I have missed them, a lot. It’s disappointing knowing Ashley will be spending two months working in the US at a summer camp, but I really hope in the month and a half before she goes away, the three of us can do all the things we gushed about yesterday. Swimming. Walking. Shopping. Girlie sleepovers with face masks. The things we used to do before we all got busy with school and life. And I’ve already promised Mishy that this summer, while Ashley’s gone, the two of us we have fun adventures at the beach. I’m keeping my mind open, I’m keeping hopeful. This summer will be a good summer.

purple dress (from Montreal) given to me from my sister for my 21st birthday.

I really am trying to go through my closet, get dressed, not wear the same things over and over. Even on a lazy day, like today, I’m trying. Which is why instead of lounging around in the same jeans and t-shirt (or my pajamas) watching Buffy, I’m wearing this gorgeous dress my sister gave me for my 21st birthday which I’ve only worn once before this. I love the light gauzy material, which is perfect for lounging on a lazy Sunday. Oh, yes. I don’t see much getting done this afternoon beside Buffy watching. But really, what is wrong with that.

Pink tube top. Winners colorful skirt. My favorite dollar store sunglasses. Teal beaded necklace.

Today is a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic day… and not only because of the fact I am officially done my last exam. No the sun is shining, the birds are singing, flowers are growing and what is that? I am wearing a sleeveless shirt. Only a month ago my life was snow and sleet and freezing rain and now I’m finding myself wearing no sleeves.

I also spent a chunk of today with some girls I used to be best friends with. And instead of feeling awkward, feeling like I was on the outside looking in, I felt included. Not only did we walk, and reminisce, but we also made plans to make sure we spend a good chunk of time together before Ashley goes to the states for a big chunk of the summer. There are plans for walks, and swimming and picnics. Things we used to do before school caused us to all be busy little bees.

This summer… feels different already and it hasn’t even started yet. I spent last night with friends, spent today with friends. It’s a much better feeling than locking yourself in your bedroom and feeling alone.

Day one of my I’m-actually-going-to-put-effort-into-getting-dressed-up-and-going-out thirty day pledge. And since the weather is so beautiful, I felt like looking summery. Very comfortable for pre-exam sunglasses shopping. Hopefully it also works for a Friday night, very last exam of my undergraduate degree outfit.

BCBG cream tank. Victoria Secret floral blouse. Orange cardigan. Old Navy army green skirt. Knitted Purse.

I’m going to warn you now: this post is about love. Sappy, romantic, sickly sweet love. It is Andrew and my 5 and a half year anniversary today, and maybe it seems silly to others that I count every month. But I really do cherish every day I spend with Andrew. Since the day we’ve met, my life has never been the same.

I’ve always been a romantic, for as long as I can personally remember. My Barbies were always having breathtaking love affairs and I remember watching Dawson’s Creek and dreaming of finding a love as swoon-worthy as Joey and Pacey. You had Buffy and Angel, Willow and Oz, and Nancy and Ned. So I could only hope that someday I would find a boy that made me feel like a princess. And like any princess, it wasn’t without toads. But something happened the year I turned seventeen… something which changed everything I thought I knew. Okay, so that sounds totally cheesy. And maybe it is the cliche. But, honestly, it’s true.

Andrew and I met in the aftermath of Hurricane Juan, before the lights had even come back on. Okay, he doesn’t remember that. But of course, I do. I also remember the conversation that occurred later when I was talking to a friend of mine about having to live in the shadow of my best friend, and he told me: “well, I think you’re better looking. And so does Andrew.” To which I immediately asked, “oh yeah, how old is he?” and after hearing his reply–”14.”–I immediately responded “Haha. Maybe in a couple years.”

And then we started talking, and it was like everything I ever wanted to feel around someone had come true. It literally was like we had known each other forever (and here comes the cliches again). And, as I talked to him, I realized that… shock of all shocks… I really liked him. For the first time in a very long while I felt comfortable and safe talking to someone, and I liked him. And so we talked. And we talked. And we came up with our own island. And we talked some more.

And now here we are, five and a half years later, and I’m just as smitten with him as the day I met him. I never thought I would find that someone I wanted to grow old with at seventeen. I never thought I would fall for someone younger than me. But none of that stuff matters. All that matters if that I have found the boy I want to be with. And I absolutely adore the feeling of waking up beside him. Of looking into his eyes. Of curling up on the couch and laughing and tickling and playing video games.

To the boy who stole my heart:

I love you always.

♥

I came to a sad realization tonight as I continued to clean my room… again. I don’t venture far enough into my closet at all. It’s not that I don’t love each and every item of clothing I own–I don’t buy things I don’t absolutely love–it’s just that I seem to find myself reaching for the same items over and over and over again. T-shirts. Jeans. Black skirt. Tights. Sometimes I change it up slightly but for the most part it’s all the same. And staring at the unloved clothing left behind, I feel sad.

With summer coming, I really need to get out. I need to dress up. I need to stop being so afraid… of people noticing me; of standing out. Once upon a time I was that girl. And even though I used it as an excuse, I don’t think it was just winter that stopped me. It was something else. Something I couldn’t really explain… still can’t really explain. I can dress up when it comes to my bedroom, but the real world is an entirely different story. Sometimes that girl inside of me comes out, and sometimes she shines. But for the most part I find myself relying on old favorites inside of finding new ones.

And it needs to stop.

I love fashion. I love colors and frills and flowers and everything. I could spend hours watching RAW on FashionTV, studying the different collections. And I want to let that part of me come out more. When I was a little girl–even five, six years old–I was constantly dressing up. One day I would pretend I was a princess. The next day maybe I was on a safari (I have clear memories of copying the looks of the girl in Jurassic Park.) I also remember pretending to be Nancy Drew. I may no longer be ten years old, but I miss being that playful when it comes to clothes. Experimental. Silly, even. Sure, sometimes you can make a fashion faux paux. But sometimes they are the looks which are the most fun.

So here is my goal: for thirty days (starting tomorrow, April 24th/09) I am going to try and come up with a different look everyday.  There not necessarily need be a theme–although themes be full of fun–but the look needs to change up every day. And I can’t once repeat said outfit. Items of clothing can be repeated, but must be worn differently. And to ensure that I don’t let myself down, I’m going to try and document each and every outfit. If I have reason to keep on the straight and narrow, it may make it easier to step out of my shell a little bit. And that’s really what this is about: stepping out. About escaping the dark cloud that’s been keeping me hidden from the world.

And here… we… go…

p.s. the plus side to this whole thing–even if I don’t have anything to write about, at least I’ll have pretty clothes pictures to captivate with.

Andrew and I went to see 17 again last night. (oh and he treated me to fabulous Vegan Nachoes at the Wooden Monkey–do I have the best boyfriend or what?) It was a good movie, even though I’m really not the biggest Zac Efron fan. It was really cute and really funny. It was the perfect movie to shake me out of the funk I’ve been going through the last little while. And it got me thinking about being seventeen. Seventeen was actually a really great year for me; the year that I met Andrew.  So with that in mind, I thought I’d do this little quiz.

How old were you 5 years ago? Seventeen.
Were you in school? It was my last year of High School.
If so, what grade? Grade 12.
Who were your friends? Ella, Mishy, Jenn and Shadia.
Do you look different now? My hair is shorter and I’m thinner. I pretty much look the same though I’m guessing (especially since I’m still being mistake for 15-17 on almost a daily basis.
Have your music tastes changed? Not even a little bit. I listen to lots of music.
What about your clothing? I think it’s similar. It’s changed somewhat, but I still own a lot of the clothes I wore when I was seventeen, so it hasn’t changed too much.
How many people have you dated? One. (And that makes me so ecstatically happy.)
Have you been in love? Yes, for the last five and a half years.
What was your best memory? The summer I was seventeen.
What was your worst memory? November of 2004.
Have you moved? My bed around… that is pretty much it.
Have you had your heart broken? I’ve had moments where it has felt less than whole.
Did you get a new car? My parents did.
How many people have you slept with? You mean like in the same bed? Haha. (And the answer to that question is one.
Do you have more confidence? I wish there was a different answer to this question but unfortunately the answer is no.
What’s something you wish you go change? I don’t think I would change anything because I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, but there are events that sometimes I wish I had done differently.
Any regrets? I try not to live with regrets, but there are moments I wish I could do differently, like I said above.
Have you lost anyone? Yes.
Have you gained anyone? Yes.
Have you gotten any taller? Slightly taller, although not too much.
Have you gained or lost weight? Lost weight.
Is your hair the same color it was? Actually, no. I had just dyed it lighter.
What was your biggest accomplishment? Working my way through, and almost done university, I guess.
Have you improved at all? I think I handle my emotions a lot better than I used to, although I do still have a lot of trouble with them.
What was your biggest downfall? My emotions.
Is there anything specific that reminds you of the past 5 years? Certain songs on the radio. The pictures that capture the greatest nights ever had.
What do you miss the most? I don’t know if it’s the people I miss so much as the nights I had with them. More than anything I miss crazy times and late night adventures. Inside jokes. Spending entire days down at the lake soaking up the sun and pretending that the real world didn’t exist.