awkward smiles and drunk confessions…

Blue Polka Dot Wal-mart Hoodie. Blue Danier T-shirt. Skinny Foxy jeans. Queen Amadala action figure. Pink Flower clip (which, personally, I think makes the whole outfit.)

The perfect outfit for watching Star Wars Episode II and going out for drinks with the boys. I wasn’t originally going to go out–stomach was feeling effy–but I’ve decided that I’ll never have any fun if I just keep myself scared, and cooped up in the house. It’s chilly outside, but I have to keep a little girliness, especially when I’m drinking with Andrew and his guy friends… hence, my pretty flower clip and my braid which unfortunately didn’t show up very well in the pictures.

Don’t worry, there will be more pictures to come. I’m going to enjoy this night… this summer. This is just the beginning, and hopefully there are many nights to come.

I know I’ve mentioned it before but in junior high, I didn’t really have any friends. I mean, there were people that I saw and hung around with while in school, but for the most part I spent my days alone and my nights alone. It was not a happy time for me. Which is why when I finally accumulated a close group of friends, I wanted to hold onto them so tightly, and never let them go. Maybe I’ve been tainted by the four girls on Sex and the City, but for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted friends like that. Those people who you can turn to not matter what, and tell anything to.

The tough part about growing up is people, and friendships, change. Life is so different at twenty-two then at sixteen. You’ve fallen in love, you’ve graduated high school, you can drink legally. It’s a whole different world.

I think part of the reason I’ve been in such a funk lately is because of the fact I feel like my friendships are crumbling around me, and there really isn’t a whole lot I can do about that fact. I mean, I try. But the truth of the matter is there seems to be this wall between the people I love and me. And it’s not without trying to break it down: I try and keep communication going, but it’s always “I’ll call you later” or “I’ll be right back” and then nothing. No one else ever seems to be trying. It’s like I’m back in the eighth grade, spending my nights alone because no one wants to talk to me. And if eighth grade wasn’t painful enough the first time around, the second time is definitely worse.

This isn’t a new feeling. I’ve been feeling this way for a while. But it’s the fact that it’s the summer, a time which used to mean the most random of adventures, and here I am: alone in my room, remembering the times that were had and wishing so much to be able to surround myself with people that make me smile. There are so many pictures that I can obsess about of memories and moments past, but that’s all they are: memories. There is nothing solid for me to hold onto. I’m an outsider looking in, and it’s the worst feeling in the whole world.

Don’t think I’m ungrateful. I love that I have a best friend like Andrew, and he knows me better than anyone has ever known me. But the truth is, I need girlfriends. You can’t talk to your boyfriend about sex, or girl stuff in general. Okay, so maybe I could. But I want to have people in my life I can get together with, share a bottle of wine (or two), and gush about sex, and shoes, and stupid sappy stuff. I miss drunken summer memories with my best friends. And it hurts so much, because sometimes it feels like none of it happened at all, and I’m still that same fat eighth grader who had no friends, and who had to write exciting stories and friendship because she had no idea what it was like to have a real best friend.

I’m just not sure what the hell I’m supposed to do anymore. After eight years of friendship, I just don’t know what to do. That seems like far too many memories to just wash my hands of it and walk away.  We’re talking some of my hardest moments shared. And, at the same time I think I literally may be driving myself crazy, or at the very least, torturing myself daily. If only friendships came with an instruction manual, or a reset button. Life would be a whole lot less complicated.

Last night, Andrew and I went out on a double date with his roommate and his girlfriend. We had been planning it for Tuesday, but things got screwed up, so we rescheduled for Saturday night. The plan was the usual: dinner and a movie. So Alicia picked us up, since it was pouring rain, and we drove over to Halifax, heading to The Wooden Monkey since it’s one of those restaurants I can so easily eat at. I’d been having a bad bellyache day, so instead of the vegan nachos–which is what I almost always get, my favorite meal ever–I decided I would do something lighter: soup and salad. Unfortunately, the soup of the day contained dairy, so I went with a side house salad, minus pumpkin seeds, and the black bean hummus with veggies and corn chips.

It’s nice being able to go out with other couples for dinner and drinks. We ended up getting a bunch of cocktails which were all fruity and fun. One tasted like sour patch kids, the other like cherries. Andrew had a martini that tasted exactly like white chocolate, even though it was a guava martini.

Our times really didn’t match up very well, because when dinner ended we still had about 2 hours until the movie started. We talked about going to another restaurant for a couple more drinks, but instead we decided that it would be cheaper just to buy a bottle of something, and drink that. So we did. It was so strange, this mix of being grown up–dinner and drinks at a restaurant–mixed with this familiar high school-ish moment of sneaking vodka in juice and pop into the movie theater. (Yuki stopped drinking after the restaurant, so by the time the movie was over he was okay to drive us home.) We saw Up, which was really good, but really sad, and yes I cried… twice.

It was silly, and funny, and made the pouring rain (and my silly choice of wearing sandals) not so bad. We walked through the damp streets, trying to out run the rain to make to the next shelter before the skies opened up, and we got even more soaked. I’ve missed double dates. Andrew and I used to go out on them with other friends, but when they broke up, there wasn’t really anyone around for us to go out with. Alicia and Yuki are always a fun time. I definitely hope we can have another one soon, although maybe at someones house, if only because it’s expensive to eat out. I’ve suggested a barbecue sometime in the future, so it should be a blast.

Now I’m off to make gluten-free cupcakes in honor of Father’s Day, and the strawberry shortcake we’ll be enjoying after our adventures to a chinese resturant. Now there is a resturant expirence to test my anxiety levels. (Thankfully, Mom already called ahead, so there will be a plate of steamed vegetables with my name on it.)

Happy Friday.

The weekend if always a wonderful thing, isn’t it? The cap to one week while on the verge of another. Last night Andrew and I had a deck party, soaking up the warm June night. Of course, he worked at eight am, so our deck party last only about an hour, but in that hour the two of us managed to share a bottle of cheap and fruity wine, which is my favorite. Andrew brought out a bunch of blankets and pillows and we had our own little picnic, there on his back deck, under the stars, minus anything but wine.

And to me that is summer: nights, under the stars, a cool breeze in the summer heat, and a cheap bottle of wine shared with those you love. The only thing that you have topped it would have been to wonder through the streets, running through sprinklers and collapsing onto cool grass, tipsy and happy.

There is less than a month until I go to Ontario, 30 days to be exact, which is all kinds of exciting. Okay, so maybe not the getting on a plane part, but the being in Ontario, being at Andrew’s cottage, getting to know Andrew’s family better than I already have. This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I’m still really shy around his family, even after five and a half years. While he has no trouble hanging around my house, going upstairs to pour his own drinks, or staying down in my living room while I go off to bed, my anxiety takes over at his place. I mean, I still call his parents Mr. and Mrs. Valencik even though they have asked me, on more than one occasion, to call them by their first names. Maybe by the time we are married, I’ll be able to casually use their first names, no anxiety at all. Hell, maybe it’ll even be by the end of July! Now wouldn’t that be something.

Now I’m off to watch Batman Begins, and then probably The Dark Knight–if I can stay awake that long–because with Andrew resting (he worked all day today, and works tomorrow) Batman was my very first boyfriend. And well, have you seen Christian Bale in Batman Begins, especially that scene where he drops down and starts doing the push ups. I love my boyfriend, and usually I’m not a fan of muscles, but Batman was my very first crush, so I can’t help but love watching this movie. And I mean if you have nothing to do, and no where to go, on a Saturday night then spending the night with Batman is not bad at all…

I mean… Am I right?

Today is a beyond beautiful sunny day. It’s days like today which give me hope for a beautiful summer, void of any rainy days (even if the weekend forcast is calling for rain, rain, rain). And there is nothing better for a warm and humid day that pulling on a comfy and light sundress. Like I’ve said before, dresses are pretty much my favorite thing to wear and so whenever I get a chance to, I pull one on.

Blue Old Navy strapless sundress (bought for half price because it was “damaged”). White short sleeve Danier sweater (thrifted from sister). White chunky flower ring. Not pictured: Navy blue espadrille wedges from Frenchy’s.

This particular morning, Mom, my grandmother (who is staying with us until Sunday, while my Granddad away on a trip), myself and my sister all went out for breakfast at Cora’s. Cora’s is one of those resturants which are pretty well versed when it comes to the celiac thing, so I always feel comfortable eating there, which isn’t something which happens all that often. After breakfast we went to the Superstore, and I once again checked out a bathing suit I’ve been eyeing for my trip to Ontario one month from today. It’s coral, and pretty, and seemingly fits (at least in comparison to every other one peices I’ve tried on. I’ll probably be mulling over it until July 17th, wondering if I should use my PC points on it. Decisions, decisions.

Now I’m going to clean, because my bedroom has gotten considerably unorganized in the last little while, and then I plan on enjoying the sunshine. My chapters order came in the mail this morning so I have found brand new books to enjoy, I just haven’t decided which one I want to dive into first. The books I ordered were: Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, You Know Where to Find Me by Rachel Cohn, Sweethearts by Sara Zarr, and The Fortunes of Indigo Skye by Deb Caletti. I finished Speak, also by Halse Anderson, so I’m trying to decide whether I should dive into Wintergirls or try for some lighter subject matter. Maybe I’ll write all the names on peices of paper and pick them out of a hat, or something. I’m horrible at choosing myself. All I know is I’m very excited to read of my books–they’re all books I’ve been dying to read for ages.

Shame our deck is currently prepped for painting, because there would be nothing better than sitting out on the deck and enjoying fresh iced tea while reading.

I’m just sad Andrew got called into work on such a beautiful day–we were going to have some kind of adventure. But tonight when he gets off work the two of us are going to crack open the bottle of fruity white wine I bought for us, sit on the deck, and enjoy the heat of the evening. I really hope that tonight is just as beautiful. Maybe we’ll even play some late night badminton in my back yard, or even Frisbee. I plan on enjoying as much of the warm weather as I possible can, even late into the evening. Plus I can imagine tipsy badminton could be quite enjoyable, and incredibly fun.

It’s summer, and it’s time to start enjoying it more. If not, summer could slip right through my fingers.

Xhilaration striped tank (from Frenchy’s, as usual). Grey Le Chateau skirt (thrifted from sister). Rhinestone feather necklace (from Claires). Not pictured: White short-sleeve sweater (thrifted from sister). Favorite black peeptoe wedges.

So here it is: my interview outfit. Which I was kind of obsessing about a little too much. But here it is in all it’s “hire me” glory. And the interview, like the outfit, worked out well. I think. Me being me, I was nervous and a little stuttery. But never the less I think that it went okay, and I guess I will just have to wait to see what happens. I have one more thing–a little online quiz–to take and then I’ll know for sure. The thing is: I’m really hoping I get it. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I would really enjoy working there.

Okay, so I’ve already posted. But, I thought I’d liven up this Sunday with a picture of my fabulous outfit, which unfortunately only made it to the pharmacy and the grocery store, because it suddenly got very cold and very cloudy and I was freezing. So now, as I sit in jeans and a sweater, I will share with you the amazing dress that barely was. A favorite of mine, and a dress that oozes comfort (at least to me.)

Black one-shoulder Grecian goddess dress (another Frenchy’s find!). Brand new beads from Claires. White chunky flower ring (also from Claires).

Technically, this dress is a one shoulder number. And I’ve worn it that way too. But because it’s a bigger size, medium I think, it kind of swims on me and slips down. Which means unless I’m wearing a black tube top under neath, it’s not fashionable but a wardrobe malfunction. However, by simply slipping the one strap over my neck: viola! Magic. And I have a halter style dress instead. And the best part is that you can’t even tell I’m wearing it wrong.

There is just something about this dress: it makes me feel so pretty, like a Grecian goddess or something. Now, if only to sunshine could return, we’d be all set.

For the first time, in a year and a half, I have a job interview tomorrow.

It happened really quick, to be honest, which is probably the reason my head is still spinning over it. The second I handed over my resume, she was asking me if I was available Monday for an interview, and bam the interview was set. Since graduation I should have been looking more seriously for a job, but it’s summer, and maybe I haven’t been a gunghoe as I should have been. The thing is, I want to find something that I can be happy doing. My last job, even at the end, I still had people around me I adore which made me actually keep working there despite the fact it made me cry some days. So that’s why, I guess, I don’t just want to find any old job to settle into. I want to find a job that feels like home, that I get excited about, that I don’t come home from every night complaining about how much I hate my job (like everyone I know, excluding my Mom–usually–seems to do).

And the thing about the job-that-could-be is that it has it’s definite enjoyable perks, and it has it’s downfalls.

Perk: It’s at a store where I don’t have to worry about buying their clothes, wearing their clothes, and having to dress like everyone else in the store.

Downfall: It’s at the mall.

Perk: It’s a store which I quite regularily shop and know the merchandise I would be selling. Plus, fashion orientated so it could also be fun.

Downfall: From the looks of it, I would be working mostly alone.

Perk: Even before she asked me for the interview, I had mentioned I was going away for two weeks in July, and she still wanted me to come in.

Downfall: It’s at the mall.

In the end though, it doesn’t really matter all that much the upsides or the downsides, because I’m going to go in there, do the best I very can, be as charming as I can, and see what happens. Maybe she’ll tell me I’m not what they’re looking for, maybe she’ll ask me for a job on the spot. For a long time I’ve been trying to do everything so perfectly, and make it fit into my perfect plan because, and only then, the world won’t spin out of my control. Things are never going to be perfect, and maybe this won’t be the perfect job. Maybe either will the next one. The truth is I need to stop caring so much about how to make things perfect. What I really need is to do something that scares me, to get out of my little bubble and see what the rest of the world has to offer. And whether that is selling fashionable accessories or pimping shampoo, I know that whatever happens will happen.

And I’ll have just the outfit to match the occasion.

Bongo distressed jeans. Super long black Old Navy tank top. Vintage-ized Suzy Shier t-shirt thrifted from my sister.

Not the most chic outfit in the entire world today, but if we’re talking about favorites then this shirt is one of them. Especially on a day, like today, where I have things to do but no energy to put into getting dressed up for the errands I have to run. Today is a stomach-problems day, which means I don’t want to wear anything too tight. You see, being small, if my stomach is bloated it ends up looking like a baby bump (and this isn’t just self-conscious girl thoughts–my mother has confirmed this for me). Plus this shirt is great because it’s so long and on hot hot hot summer days it’s easy to wear just as a dress.

Today’s errands included: driving Andrew to work (he helped me find pictures I had accidently deleted yesterday. I have a wonderful boyfriend). Heading to the grocery store (plums for me, and other yummy things). Heading to Frenchy’s (found a pink summer dress, two shirts and these awesome orange fuzzy slippers!)  And of course: voting. Now for the rest of the day I’m going to concentrate on feeling better, maybe a little writing, possibly heading to Wal-mart to pick up that bathing suit, and then settling in tonight to watch the election results (go Darrell Dexter!) The leader of the NDP party for Nova Scotia is from my area and I was very excited to cast my vote for him this morning.

Oh, and Anywhere but Here is having a giveaway for her 500th post. I have to say I am so envious of her closet: she has an amazing sense of style. I’m so very jealous (especially of the orange//pink tiedye dress in today’s post!)

I didn’t end up starting the DVD yesterday. I was too exhausted and too hung over. However, I did start it today and even though it was hard, I feel good for getting through it. And I really am going to try and work do it every single day, in the morning when I am bouncing with energy. Ideally, I’d love to start every day with Jillian, and then do something else (Wii Fit, summer activities, walking, ect) later in the day. I’m going to start slowly, because I don’t want to over do it, but it is a goal of mine. And that got me thinking:  I’ve been daydreaming about things I want to accomplish this summer. A whole list of things that I can cross off before September rolls around. I want to get out of my head, do things I’ve never done before (or haven’t done for a really long time) and conquer my fears.

So here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

• Start exercising everyday.
• Start cooking more.
• Learn how to make fresh guacamole and salsa.
• Go camping, and sleep under the stars.
• Write everyday without caring about the details.
• Get my license and learn to drive again.
• Have a really awesome water fight.
• Throw a barbecue with all the Shannon friendly fixings.
• Get out of the house more on walks.
• Try and start running//jogging.
• Use the Wii fit more often.
• Call my friends, and initiate plans with them instead of waiting for them to call//text//message me.
• Go out dancing.
• Express my self more creatively.
• Spend less time inside and more time outside, in the sunshine.
• Eat out more (like trying The Heartwood Cafe, which I’ve been try for so, so long).

I’m sure I’ll come up with more things. I always do. But what I really want is to be able to start crossing some of those things off my list. I’ve spent the last couple years going better moments of serious anxiety, slowly slipping away. And what I want more than anything is to start having fun again, to stop being so afraid of living. I’m twenty-two years old and if I don’t stop being scared now then there are so many amazing things that I could miss out on. And I don’t want to miss anything.