awkward smiles and drunk confessions…

I haven’t posted in over two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks is a lifetime on the internet.

The truth is, I just don’t have anything worth posting really. My life is basically been work, work, work. I haven’t seen Andrew in a week. The only thing I could share is the awesome amazing Christmas present for him, but since he reads this that would basically ruin the awesome amazing surprise. I’ve considered an outfit post, but (1) my outfits haven’t exactly been interesting or original lately, and (2) you would probably take one long and instantly think “Jesus, Shannon, don’t you eat anymore?!” Thanks to having the flu, what, four times now I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight (around fifteen pounds). So personally I don’t feel like showing off my resemblance to the crypt keeper on here.

So then, what am I going to write about?

I figured instead of writing about nothing at all, I would try and get everyone in the holiday spirit (okay, and me a little bit too) but sharing my favorite things about this Holiday season. I’ve always been a bit of a holiday Grinch, but there were certain things about Christmas that I didn’t mind. After preforming in A Christmas Carol senior year of High School (I was the Ghost of Christmas Past) I fell even in more in love with the story.

The Cast of A Christmas Carol–2004. Can you see me tucked up into the corner?

But one of my favorite renditions of the story has to be The Muppets Christmas Carol. And I am not ashamed to admit that I have this song on my itunes and listen to it constantly. It really makes me wish that as a group, we could have done a musical version of A Christmas Carol.

I dare you not to let this song get stuck in your head.

Now what other holiday stories chill my frigid, anti-holiday heart?

The Original The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

The Nutcracker.

Batman Returns

Okay, so I know technically Batman Returns isn’t a Christmas movie. But, it does take place around Christmas so in my eyes it counts. And of course there are tons of television episodes of my favorite shows revolving around Christmas that I crack out every year: Veronica Mars, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Popular being some of the best. Besides these, I don’t really get into the whole Christmas thing. I’ve never even watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. I’d much rather stick to A Christmas Carol (almost every version, although the Kelsey Grammer musical version from a couple years ago was horrible.) I’m just trying to keep an open mind, get a bit of holiday spirit and get excited. Working retail obviously doesn’t help, but I can hold out hope that Santa has something nice for me this year. After all, I’ve been a good girl.

I’ve been thinking of writing this particularly personal, and difficult, blog post for a while. But it wasn’t until I read about “To Write Love on her arm” on Facebook, and their vision, that I decided to actually write about it. Andrew asked me, when I admitted I was thinking of talking about it, “Well what would you get out of talking about it?” And I think I’ve finally realized that it’s not about what I’ll get out of it. It’s about helping those people out there suffering to know that they’re not alone, and that there is hope, no matter how bad things can feel.

And here’s my truth: I am a recovered (or recovering, depending on person opinion) self injurer. What does that mean exactly? It means that for about ten years of my life, off and on, I waged a secret addiction to hurting myself. From the time I was eleven until only a couple years ago, it was my coping mechanism. When things were stressful, when I was depressed, when I felt empty or alone or out of control, I would turn to it.  It seemed like the only thing that remained constant in my life–this horrible secret that I tried to hide so well, from everyone around me. You’re ashamed, you’re embarrassed, and you feel even more alone, which just makes the cycle even worse. I had an amazing boyfriend, a close group of friends, and a supportive family and yet it seemed like the only thing I could control, the only thing I could trust. If anything, I felt guilty for hating myself so much when I had all these amazing things. What reason did I have to be upset?

So the question remains: what changed?

I think one of the greatest things I ever did to help me overcome self injuring was treating my anxiety, which I’ve now figured out was one of the major causes of my cutting. I’m not saying that works for everyone–or that my anxiety is completely under control–but it taught me in those moments, when I normally would have broken down and locked myself in my room, to try and breath. It doesn’t always work, and more than once I’ve called Andrew scared, but the truth is it’s been years since I’ve hurt myself. And while the scars may still remain–and will probably always be there–the truth is I feel proud of myself that I managed to overcome something which consumed my life. Yes, the possibility is always there in the back of my head that I could relapse, it is no longer a constant fear like it once was. I finally feel like I do have control over it.

So why did I feel like sharing this? Because there are so many people, who like I was, are caught in this cycle of self injury and don’t know how to break free. It’s an addiction, and like any addiction, you don’t just “grow out of it”, or simply “get over it”. It is a constant struggle. So to those out there who are suffering, who feel stuck and lonely and depressed, who feel like they’ll never escape: it is possible. You can break free, and you can get help. Find someone you trust, someone who can help you when you’re in your deepest, darkest moments. And know that recovery is always possible.

My very first gluten-free apple crisp ever.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of my free time over at Andrew’s place. Most, because with working 30+ hours per week, I don’t see him nearly as much as I used to. And whenever I’m over at his place, I tend to feel very domestic. I’ve been cooking a lot more lately than I used to. We’ve made a gluten-free vegetarian pizza, and there were gluten-free stuffed mushrooms (which were fabulous!) and, as pictured above, a gluten-free apple crisp.

I don’t know why, but yesterday–as I was recovering from a bout of lost appetite due to the flu and a particularly bad fall on Andrew’s stairs–I had this total urge to bake something. Maybe it was the snowfall a couple days before, or the large bag of apples on Andrew’s counter or just the smell of fall in the air but I just had to bake. First I thought about cupcakes, or muffins, my usual fall back foods. Then I started thinking about this apple crisp my sister made not too long ago, and I just really wanted to bake one. I’ve never baked one before, and I haven’t eaten one in about six years, but I set out to Sobeys with Andrew for a spur of the moment apple crisp. Now there were no gluten-free oats or quinoa flakes at the store, however I had read online before we left about using corn flakes, so I picked up a box of Mensa Sunrise flakes, thinking they would work well, as well as The Gluten-free Pantry crisp and crumble topping mix. And as you can see from above, it turned out really well. Slightly sweeter then I thought it would be, but really good. Delicious in fact. Andrew was impressed, which made me smile a lot. Like maybe, someday, I might make a good little house wife. It also made me excited to bake more. And with Christmas coming up, I really want to try and make gingerbread men. My attempt last year was a pretty big failure, but after my apple crisp success I have all this baking confidence, like I could do anything.

I’m really enjoying my return to cooking.

Last night was Halloween, and–as promised–here are my pictures of the night. Not only did I get all dressed up for work as the Mad Hatter, but Andrew and I had a lot of fun playing Kurt and Courtney. The night was late, extra late considering that we had an extra hour, and the morning early (I had to be at work for 9am which meant catching the bus at 8am). Now Halloween is over for another year and the Christmas season officially begins which means my crankiness will probably increase as the days get shorter and shorter.

But… in the meantime, picture-y goodness:

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