We can twist and shout… do the turtle dove. And you’re the one I love… you’re the one I love… the one I love.

Purple Suzy Shier sweater dress. Black layered tights. My favorite Icing sparrow necklace. Gucci bangle watch. Pink elastic breast cancer awareness bracelet from Payless. Icing faux hair. Not Pictured: pointed black suede boots thrifted from coworker.

I love the sweater dress, have you noticed? Especially on chilly October morning’s when I have to leave for work at 8:15 in the morning. Things I also love: long hair; my sparrow necklace; getting off work while the sun is still up; Andrew (obviously); tofu salad; being able to see the floor of my bedroom finally; Friday being payday; having Thursday, Friday AND Saturday off.

 

You’re trying to remember why you cut all your hair… were you trying to be someone you weren’t? You don’t hang around the old haunts anymore… no. All the of those bridges are burned.

Pink Siren’s sweater dress. Black Ricki’s high-waisted skirt. Claire’s silver heart pendant. Ann Taylor black textured tights (which I bought for Halloween last year). Pink Claire’s hair bow. Faux hair from Icing.

Another work outfit.

Lately I’ve really been missing my long hair. You see, for most people short hair is uncomplicated, and easy to deal with. Great for on-the-go types. But me: having shorter hair is the most high maintenance, complicated endeavor in the whole world. It might have something to do with my fine, very wavy hair. So I’ve been working on growing out my hair back to it’s pre-cut, longer days. I’ve been seriously looking into extensions in the meantime but right now my hair is still a little too short for them to look right. But while working at Icing last week I noticed these hair pieces on the back wall. I held them up to my own hair and bingo: it matched perfectly. There is no difference in the color. They were also on sale, so naturally I bought two. I don’t know, with it in I just feel more like myself. I know everyone tells me I look better with shorter hair, but in truth when I look at the above picture that girl is who I am more so than other pictures.

And it’s fun to feel like myself again, at least until I unpin the hair at night.

 

And you ask me what I want this year… and I try to make this kind and clear… just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days.

Wait.. it’s October? Where the hell did September go?

It seems like time is just speeding by. The summer flew by quickly enough, but now it’s October and Fall, and Thanksgiving is next weekend, and my birthday is only fifteen days away, and my anniversary with Andrew is only twenty-four days away and before you know it, it will be Halloween, or Christmas, and then next year. Yes, I meant to run on like that. It just seems like life is speeding by, and I have absolutely nothing to show for being almost twenty-three. I have a job I like, sure, but I make just above minimum wage, still live at home, and would starve to death if I even tried to move out on my own (which, in all honesty, I can’t even afford anyways.)

I  feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in the last 22 years of my life, and 23 with just be another year where nothing changes. I want to be a writer, get published, but my writer’s block has been mind numbingly strong lately regardless of how long I find myself staring at a blank computer screen. I want to move out, but can’t afford to live on my own–even the little money I’ve saved wouldn’t pay one month’s rent. I just want to feel like I have something that I can call my own, something that I can hold onto and be able to say: “Yes, I’m 23 years old, and still live at home, but this is mine. This is what I have to show.” Something which even slightly resembles a life. I know I sound ungrateful–I’m not meaning to. I know I am very lucky to have great parents would support me through anything, a great family in general, and a boyfriend who has put up with my craziness and somehow manages to still love me. And that’s wonderful, truly. But it’s pure luck, the long end of the stick.

The jealously and envy I’m filled with chokes me. Everyone around me is seeming to move on, to find their passion, to make something of themselves. And then there is me: still as lost as ever. No matter how hard I seem to push, it’s always half a step forward and fifteen backwards. I find who I am to be such a sad, pathetic person. It’s the only way I can describe it: I find it absolutely sad being me.

 

It’s a nice day for a white wedding.

Purple and Black drop-waist Dimri dress. Black Urban Behavior sweater. Not pictured: My favorite black peeptoe wedges.  Purple flower ring.

I attended a wedding today of a girl I was good friends with in my last year of High School. We lost contact after graduation, unfortunately, but she started working with my Mom about a year ago. So when Mom asked if I would be her date today, I jumped at the opportunity. The wedding was beautiful, and left me feeling all romantic, and in love, and dreaming of that day some day in the future when it will be Andrew and I standing in front of our friends and family promising to love and cherish each other until death do us part. Okay, so I pretty much think of that moment daily, but even still now I’m thinking of it even more. Allison looked beautiful, her dress was gorgeous, and she just looked happy. It was wonderful to watch two people obviously so in love make that commitment.

It was also a great opportunity to wear this dress which I bought in December, before Christmas, but hadn’t yet had an opportunity to wear. I fell in love with it when I first saw it, especially the drop waist. And this sweater was a new Value Village find that I thought looked great with it. I haven’t been to too many weddings in my life time (only three I really remember) so I was trying to find something cute to wear which was also comfortable. It was a little chilly, which might have had something to do with the rain, but this dress worked wonderfully. Especially for a spur-of-the-moment-picked-out-an-hour-before-we-left dress.

Congrats Allison and Greg!

 

I saw the stars fall from the sky and watched the tail lights fade away as the sun began to witness a new day.

It’s been a while since I last updated–a week to be exact. I just haven’t had much to say. Life has pretty much been: sleep, eat, work, eat, sleep, eat, work, see Andrew… and so on. You get the idea. It’s pretty much the reason I’m writing this at 7am. Life has been repetitive. Outfits have been repetitive and very gray in scale. It just seems easier to throw on my gray dress pants and a black sweater and get going. I’m hoping my zest to dress up returns. I need some form of excitement in my life. A burst of color.

Anyways, here’s what has been happening lately:

• I work 65 hours over the course of the next two weeks. Everyone keeps asking me to cover their shifts, and since I want a couple days off in October I’m saying yes. It’s a little tiring though, and I’m feeling slightly burned out. I’m just really not used to it, and probably not eating as much as I should be. I never have time to eat!
• Speaking of food, I had my first gluten attack in a year last Wednesday. Still not 100% sure what made me sick, although I think we’ve narrowed it down to cross-contaminated peanut butter. What made it worse was that I had to work during the attack–that was fun. But with the help of an entire box of Glutino original gluten-free crackers, I survived. And I’m finally beginning to feel better, stomach wise. Although with working I’m eating later that I’m used too and usually if I eat after 9-10pm (no matter how healthy) I end up with a bellyache in the morning.
• I got my ears, pierced, again on Sunday. Okay, well I got one done. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I work at a place where I do it almost every day, I decided why not. Early birthday present to myself. But yes, there was drama involving a malfunction with the earring cartridge, and my ear. But I’ll be getting the second ear done tomorrow by my co-worker when I go in so all is well that ends well. Right?
• My birthday is less than a month away. On Friday, Alicia and I went shopping for birthday dresses and tiaras. Because our birthdays are close together (mine is the 15th, hers the 18th) we’re having a joint celebration downtown on the 17th. Now anyone who has read this blog knows my birthday is not one of my favorite things. But with my birthday dress (which, makes me feel like a grown up, but I digress) and a birthday tiara I’m going to think about this dress in a positive light.

And that’s pretty much it. Sleep. Eat. Work. Eat. Sleep. See Andrew. Repeat. Hopefully I can fit in more writing time, but unfortunately it seems to be happening less, and less. There needs to be more hours in the day.

 

If you could be my punk rock princess… I would be your garage band king. You could tell me why you just don’t fit in… and how you’re gonna be something.

Joe Fresh Navy Blue Cardigan. White Wal-mart T-shirt. Jean Abercrombie & Fitch skirt (Frenchy’s find!). Brand new blue plaid tights from Claire’s. Claire’s silver heart pendant necklace. Pink hair bow, also from Claire’s. Not pictured: well worn black slouchy knee high boots. Well worn brown leather jacket thrifted from sister.

CURRENTLY:

excited about: these blue plaid tights from work. a lazy night watching trueblood with Andrew, Yuki and Alicia. gluten-free, vegetarian soy sausage for supper.
worried about: turning twenty-three in exactly one month.
reading: “The Fortunes of Indigo Skye”.
creating: a story about learning to live and love, even when the worst has already happened.
loving: these tights. (sorry! I’m obsessed!)
hating: how gray and dreary it is outside.
wondering: why I am so hungry today. And what else I can eat in Andrew’s apartment.
craving: green apples and the organic peanut butter in Andrew’s fridge.
listening to: Something Corporate.
watching: The Trueblood finale tonight!

 

Oh, you can say that I’m the one curly fry in the box of a regular… messing with the flavor… oh the flavor that you savor.

Gluten & Dairy free (oh, and egg free too!) Lemon “Princess” cake.

My foods issues have never been a secret. I tend to talk about them a lot because, well, they’re a large part of who I am. It wasn’t until I was eighteen that I discovered that I could no longer eat gluten, and twenty when I realized that dairy was a huge problem for me, as well as large amounts of fat. It was only a short time later that I realized how badly sugar made me sick, and so I knew that I was going to have to stop eating it regularly. And it was just last year that I gave up eating poultry (which joined other meat which I gave up when I was eleven). It all happened in a short amount of time, within a couple years, but my diet is completely different from what it once was. So yes, understanding my diet gets a little complicated. And living my diet can get even more complicated.

Here’s the thing: Most of the time I am both happy and excited to eat this way. But once in a while sometimes I just feel out of place. I’m the only one in my family who eats both gluten and lactose free. I’m also the only one who doesn’t eat meat. So when it comes to eating in group situations–like family gatherings–I always end up the odd one out. The freak with her special food and special plate. Like last weekend. Not only had I made a special dip for the occasion which I wanted everyone to enjoy, but I had also made a gluten and dairy free birthday cake for our friend Donna from Toronto. First my Dad made a comment about how they’d put a tiny bit of the dip aside for me, and then Mom started going on about separating things for me. And okay, I kind of lost it slightly, and had a mental breakdown. Thankfully Andrew was there to calm me down after we went for a walk (I’m not sure WHAT I would do without him in my life–truly). But that is just an example of how overwhelming I find things sometimes. Like when it’s 10:30 at night, I’m watching a movie with Andrew, his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend, and the three of them are munching on Ruffles All Dressed chips and all I want is the baked Salt and Vinegar chips in the cupboard. Andrew has to stop me, reminding me again and again that if I do eat them I will probably be up sick half the night.

It just sucks sometimes when I want more than anything to enjoy a bag of sour patch kids without knowing that the end result will be an epic stomachache for three days.

 

Before the gold and glimmer have been replaced… another sunsoaked season fades away.

Suzy Shier Sweater Dress. Black Smart Set studded belt. Black stockings. New Gucci bangle watch and opal bracelet. Not pictured: Black Smart Set cardigan. Black Flat Ankle boots.

Yesterday was the last day our company from Toronto was here, and the first real day I’ve had off since they arrived. For some reason, I really felt like dressing up fashionably for our little excursion out. I bought this sweater dress the night before while on break at work for $15 and I’m absolutely in love with it, the color especially. Purple has always been one of my favorite colors (as you can see from the color of my walls) and for fall I’m in love with everything purple. There is a winter jacket I’m coveting madly which is purple plaid and my new favorite nail polish is this gorgeous plum color. Like I said, I’m absolutely crazy for everything purple. And I must say: I’m totally excited for everything involving fall fashion. Especially the brand new plaid tights I just bought from my work which match the above sweater, and I think I can have a lot of fun with. At least, until November rolls around and the weather becomes frigid, snowy and impossible to dress for.

ps. I must add, I’m really impressed with how my hair is growing out. The shampoo and conditioner I’m using (Pantene Beautiful Lengths) is making it less frizzy (which I think helps make it seem longer). I haven’t once thought about chopping it all off again, which–trust me–is a huge feat.

 

Sing us a song… you’re the piano man. Sing us a song tonight. Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody… and you’ve got us feelin alright.

Music has always been a huge influence on me. As long as I can remember, it’s always been a memorable part of my life from the days of listening to Johnny Cash on the radio when my Dad came home on his lunch breaks, to lip syncing to the Spice Girls in the back yard while my parents videotaped us, to the thousand odd songs on my Itunes which are constantly in rotation. I think Sarah Dessen’s character Owen Armstrong put it perfectly in her book Just Listen (which is one of my personal favorites by her):

“Music is a total constant. That’s why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment.”

And I can’t help but agree completely with those sediments. I think that is the reason why I’m almost constantly listening to music. Again, to quote Just Listen again: “Silence is just so freaking loud“. But it got me to thinking about those songs and albums which define me, or at the very least, define the moments in my life. This, of course, came to me at five-in-the-morning while listening to The Ataris’ album “Welcome to the Night” and instantly being brought back to 2007 into 2008 and everything that happened between the course of those two summers. There are just some songs that define my personal history. I have my theme song section of my blog, under girl, but this is a little different. These are the songs and bands which–whenever they play–instantly take me back to a place and a time. I can be six years old again, or seventeen. These songs are by no means my favorites, but rather the songs which represent to me some of the most defining moments up to now. There are definitely many more where that came from:

Johnny Cash — “Man in Black”: While I have no particular memory when it comes to this song, whenever I hear Johnny Cash, I instantly think of my Dad singing it. While I also grew up listening to Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, and other pop music, my younger days were also filled with the oldies of such classic musicians that my Dad favored as The Eagles, The Who and Johnny Cash. “I wear the black for those who’ve never read.. or listened to the words that Jesus said!“

S Club 7 — “I Really Miss You”: I’ll admit it, S Club 7 pretty much defined my junior high years. This song, however, reminds me the most of junior high because, besides “I’m a little teapot” (a story which never needs to be retold), it holds a memory of one of my greatest embarrassments. For some reason I decided I wanted to get on stage, and sing in front of an entire auditorium of my peers, and this was the song I chose. It really was one of those what was I thinking moments, but whenever I hear this song I think of standing on that stage, terrified, just waiting for those three minutes and fifty-five seconds to end. “I want to tell you the things I’ve seen.. I want to take you to where I’ve been.“

Our Lady Peace — “Somewhere Out There”: I’ve always adored Our Lady Peace, since the days I remember sneaking home for lunch in elementary school, and putting on Much Music (which I wasn’t allowed to watch) and listening to “Superman’s Dead”. This song pretty much defines four months between 2002 and 2003, my first (real) boyfriend and my first serious heartbreak. From listening to this song in my computer room with him, to the months and months after I would listen to this song, or watch the video, and instantly be in tears. But at the same time as I listen to this song I feel like it has different meaning–like even though I was heart broken, there was something better waiting for me. “You’re falling back to me… the star that I can’t see.“

Chris De Burgh — “Patricia The Stripper”: This song defines my best friends. It brings back memories of sleepovers in my room and backyard, way too much sugar, calling boys until early in the morning, running through the streets, and way too many games of “Truth or Dare”. I’m still friends with both girls for who this song holds so many memories, but neither of them are friends with each other. Never the less, whenever I hear this song, I have to hold back from breaking out the dance we created together, just for old times sake. “With the swing of her hips, she started to strip. To tremendous applause she took of her drawers.“

Dashboard Confessional — “Screaming Infidelities”: You know those songs which can perfectly describe memories? This song is one of those for me, and again dates back to a certain ex-boyfriend. No matter how far I’ve come, how many years are between us, whenever I hear this song I’m sixteen again, and devastated. There was a lot more to it then just being a simple break up, and I this song just sits perfectly for me. It defines a large chunk of life for me at sixteen. “Cuddling close to blankets and sheets. But you’re not alone, and you’re not discreet… make sure I know who’s taking you home.“

 

Cool in the summer… warm in the winter… I’m dressed up in love.

Charlotte Russe Dress. Joe Fresh Cardigan. Sirens fishnet stalkings (in a flowery design). Smart Set Studded belt. Black Bow hair clip. Not Pictured: Spring Chaffey shoes.

Ever since I was a little girl, I adored dressing up. My love of fashion dates back to the days of frilly party dresses, and pretending I was a princess, and preppy plaid skirts and pretending I was Nancy Drew. Now that I’m “grown up” my fashionable aspirations have grown slightly, but I still enjoy playing pretend and dressing up. Only now I called it being “inspired by”. Today’s look (for work… was there ever any doubt?) was inspired by Sex and the City: the movie. For those who haven’t seen the movie, Carrie wears a gorgeous strapless green dress and jacket combination with her Dior Extreme shoes and studded belt.

My inspiration.

This look really stuck with me after I saw the movie in theaters, and again after I watched the movie on DVD. Sometimes certain looks just stick with you. I always loved the idea of pairing a flowery dress with something hard like a studded belt, and in my case, studded shoes. So I took those ideas from Carrie’s fabulous outfit and put my own spin on the whole thing. And I really love how the outfit turned out. Mine was more of a fall outfit (with my brand new fishnets that I’ve been dying to be able to put on). And most importantly I was so freaking excited to finally be able to wear my Spring shoes as I haven’t worn them yet, excluding the night I bought them. So I figured it was about time.  Beautiful shoes deserve to be worn, and they went perfectly with the whole look. It was definitely fun, and the shoes didn’t hurt my feet, although towards the end my calves were starting to ache. Even still I finally felt excited, and pretty by getting dressed up. It’s nice, even if it’s to go to work, to be able to get all dressed up and face the world.