What hurts the most, was being so close… and having so much to say and watching you walk away.

The blahs are still in full effect, which leaves me snappy (and not in a cute, witty way) and just so tired. This weekend I have it both off from work (which I feel like I haven’t had a Saturday off in ages) and it’s the Canadian Thanksgiving, so I also have Monday off. You would think I would be excited about this—wanting to get together with people or something. And originally I was supposed to tonight. There was going to be a good old school game of Cranium. But that was ditched and now my weekend is as empty as I feel lately. And it doesn’t help with that feeling that my friends have abandoned me, because they literally have.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

For a while, after I graduated, I went through a long period of feeling like this. Every night alone, just sitting in my room feeling sad. Sure, it was great for my writing, but it makes my heart hurt. And now I feel like I’m back there, I’m alone. It makes me feel horrible too, because Andrew living in Halifax is part of the problem. Not just because he was always my rock and now he gets so busy (mostly with school, not his fault) that I can barely see him or talk to him. That, and he’s got this whole social scene with all these friends, and I get jealous because I don’t have that. I don’t have any of that. I have my bed and blankets and a computer with a blank computer screen. That is my social life.

And people make it sound so easy–”Just make new friends.” I have the hardest time making new friends. I’m not my sister. I can’t walk into a room of strangers and have everyone name and number 20 minutes later. I am shy, and I get scared, and there is a reason I have had the same best friends since I was fifteen, even if best friends just seems like a symbolic term now.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.
This feeling like my world is slowly slipping out from under me hurts more than I can say. And the feeling of having no control has never been a safe place for me to be.


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