as i sit here all alone, i wonder how i’m supposed to carry on when you’re gone…

I realize that lately I’ve been all full of doom and gloom. And alas, today continues to be one of those days. I fully intended to write an entry about the things I was thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. Unfortunately, this morning we received a call we were regretfully waiting for. My Uncle James, who has been struggling with cancer for as long as I can remember but always remained strong, passed away this morning. And as I write that I’m crying again, so I’m realizing that this might be a lot harder to write than I thought it would be.

I’m trying to concentrate on happy things, to not think how much I hate cancer and, now, hate Thanksgiving. The last time I saw my uncle was as we were heading up to Dalhousie, and it was so hard because he looked so sick, and so frail. And that is not how I want to remember my Uncle. But the thing was, even as we sat in the living room talking, he still sounded so hopeful. And even though he looked so sick, he didn’t let it get him down, at least not in front of us.

This October is not wonderful. Not wonderful at all.

But I’m going to hold onto the happy things with everything I had, because in the end it’s best to think about those things over the bad things. I’ll think about how he was always saying he could see me being on television as a reporter, a “star”. I’ll think about the way that even yesterday, as he sat in his hospital bed, he was talking about how much he liked “my guy”, and how he told my grandmother that he thought he was a really nice young man and a good choice for me to make. I’ll think about the ten years worth of pajama pants I have tucked into my dresser from him, his yearly tradition. Because those things will always mean more to me than I can even say.

RIP uncle James. ♥

Oh yeah, and fuck you Thanksgiving, you horrible bringer of death.


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