So it just occurred to me that I have yet to write a real first entry of 2009. I know most people start out with resolutions for the new year to come (eat right, lose weight, ect.). To be honest, when this new year started, I was pretty much counting on it to be similar–though, better I hoped–to last year. And the first couple days weren’t great. I won’t get into the messy details, but it gave me little hope that 2009 could be different.
And then I realized something: if I want things to change then I have to make the changes. And I can’t just say I’m going to change, and then sit around just waiting for it to happen. If I want things to be better, if I want to feel better, then I have to make it happen–get up off my butt and just do it.
I spent a large chunk of 2008 in a funk. I’m not sure what it was, but I just stopped really caring. I didn’t care enough to get dressed up pretty. I didn’t care enough to go anywhere but my bedroom. I didn’t care enough to put effort into anything. I stopped writing, stopped trying to write. Instead I would sit on my computer and let the hours pass me by. In all honestly, I feel like the last year–give or take a couple months–was just wasted. I didn’t do anything, didn’t accomplish anything. And it’s a horrible feeling to look back on 12 months of your life and think “What did I do?”
And so, I’ve made a decision. I want to be the “me” I once was. The sassy fun girl I used to be. It’s been a long time since I have felt like her, and I don’t want to spend my days wishing things were different. Sitting around hoping I would wake up feeling different accomplished nothing. No, if I want things to change then I have to make things change. If I want to feel like myself again, then I have to do whatever it takes to feel good again. To feel happy. To laugh uncontrollably or dance for no reason in the middle of a grocery store, or just wake up smiling for a no reason. Small, silly things. But to feel that kind of spirit again would be so wonderful.
All the people in my want to see is me smile again.
And I think that is a resolution I can keep.