Maybe my trip down memory lane wasn’t the smartest idea in the whole wide world. At the time it seemed smart, seemed nice, but today it’s left me feeling sad and empty and… longing. I’m not even sure what I’m longing for even. I guess I’m just sitting in bed (like I have been all day, alas) just thinking about the people in those photographs, thinking about the memories we shared. Even worse, I tapped into my old diaryland diary, and read through all my old entries. You would have thought, reading through those words, I would feel better about where I am now. But I don’t. I mean I’ve conquered some of my biggest demons, but at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to that poetic girl.
Once upon a time the words just to flow so much easier. Daily, even. I used to have a poetry blog and would write in my diaryland daily and my own paper diary and my stories. And now it’s a struggle to figure out how to write in any of the above. I sit down and I try and I stare at a blank screen wondering what the hell it is I even want to say. Maybe that’s been the source of my anxiety for so long–I don’t even know what the hell it is I’m trying to say in the first place. If I could figure that out, the writing thing would be so much easier. Even now as I stare at the computer screen, at these words I’ve written, I still don’t know what I want to say. I just ramble on about it makes me feel, but never how I really, truly, feel.
What is it that I want–that I really, truly want?
I want to feel beautiful. I want to feel like I’m accomplished something. I want to start getting a handle on my emotions and especially my anxiety. I want my friends back. I want to really show Andrew how much he means to me (& how much I love him). I want to feel smart. I want to stop feeling jealous of the confidence of other people. I want to stop dreaming about sending my novel to a publisher, and actually send it. I want to walk into a bookstore and see my book on the shelf. I want to touch someone with my words. I want to stop dreaming about my tattoo and just do it. I want to wear something truly fabulous, and feel fabulous in it. I want to start exercising again. I want to feel strong and healthy. I want to stop caring about the calories in food. I want to cook something truly fabulous. I want to walk around at midnight & talk until sunrise. I want to lay out under the stars with the one I love. I want to travel somewhere beautiful and take a million pictures.
I want to feel alive again.