When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend… I get a coffee and the paper… have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection..

Maybe it’s my fault that I put all my faith into people, no matter how many times they have let me down in the past. I’m notorious for giving second (and third, and fourth…) chances. Even when it’s been proven in the past that it’s just going to leave me feeling sad, in tears, and telling myself I’ll never do the same thing again. And yet–I seem to always go back on that silent promise to myself and making the same mistakes again.

Friday night I went out with Andrew and his friends. Maybe it was the fact I was feeling less than attractive, or just the fact I don’t do well in crowds of strangers, but I just felt like an outsider. More than anything I wish I could be part of that group but a lot of the time… I just, don’t feel like I fit in. And usually that means I’m kind of closed off. Friday night was no exception, and maybe I was spending a little too much time on my phone. I ended up texting a friend, who I haven’t seen since Novemeber even though, as the story goes, we’re supposed to be best friends. As I stood in a corner, being anti-social, I ended up making plans for the next night. I can up with the idea, everything. We would get the girls together, and have a reunion. It would be awesome.

Oh, the reunion happened. I just was univited, or something. I tried calling my “best friend” and she didn’t answer. I texted her. Messaged her when she was online on facebook. Everything. I didn’t get one response, not one. And the funny thing is–I was surprised by this. I honestly thought that maybe things would be different. Maybe if I put myself out there, way out there, I would get something in return. What did I get? Ditched. And of course, it upset me. It always upsets me. And it’s not just because once again I fell for that illusion of “best friends forever” but because Friday night I could have had fun. I could have tried and been more friendly, maybe even made friends. Instead I closed myself off from any opportunity for that and concentrated on friends who didn’t even care enough to call me back.

I just feel like I’m at a standstill. I don’t know what to do anymore–do I keep trying to keep my friendships alive, when maybe there is nothing there to hold onto anymore? Or to I concentrate on trying to make new friends, and new connections with new people.

Right now I’m not going to concentrate on that. I’m going to put on Buffy, or Clueless, clean my room and try to concentrate on organizing my life (and get my school work done for this week). I’m not going to let it get to me. I’m not–it’s not worth it anymore. I’ve cried enough tears.


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