Have fun, just don’t have amnesia.
I think Samantha said it best on Sex and the City, in relation to Carrie on her ex-boyfriend Mr. Big. And that was my motto Sunday night, after being invited to a house party with friends. What worried me the most is it has been a long time since I went out and about to a house party with my friends–the last time being the summer. And it didn’t end well. That, and the fact is, it’s been a long time since I’ve been with my friends. And after what happened last time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into the whole thing. The truth is I’m so tired of being disappointed by my friends. So, deciding I was going to go out with these people I told myself that it doesn’t mean that everything is going to change. It doesn’t mean that everything will be like it used to be. Seeing them would be fun, but it didn’t mean that anything was different.
And I had fun. It’s hard not to being surrounded by the people that have been there for some of my best (and worst) moments. But there was also something missing.
I was home by midnight. In fact, I had probably fallen asleep (actually fallen asleep, not passed out) by 11:30, maybe earlier. I think that shows that I’m definitely not the girl I used to be, the girl that had no problem staying up all night with her friends, with drinks and ect. Even more so, all I could think about was, although I was having fun, spending the night home with Andrew would have been wonderful. It’s not that I don’t want to go out with friends, and have a couple drinks, and go dancing and dress up. I’m just not so sure that I want to keep in that high school mentality of hanging out. Part of me felt this way already, and I knew that, but now I think I really get it. The world is changing and I’m growing up. It’s time to be okay with it, to embrace it. I’m not seventeen anymore. And I shouldn’t be scared of that.
At seventeen, I never wanted to grow up, I wanted to live my life at the end of a bottle, with my very best friends beside me. Never grow up, we would never grow up.
Now I thinkg I’m okay with whatever is going to come next. And maybe they will beside me, a little bit older, a little more wiser. And maybe they won’t be. But whatever happens, I’m going to be okay with it. I think, no matter what happens, I’m finally okay with it.