When I was a kid I probably would have done anything to be “cool”–I thought popularity had to be the answer to all of life’s problems. All I had to do was the find the source of this power, and everything would be okay. If only I could wear my hair the right way, wear the right clothing, lose sixty pounds and say the right words, then everything would be okay. And I went on believing this for a long time, thinking that I could never be happy unless I somehow found myself as one of the beautiful people. And no matter what I did, including losing weight, changed the way other people saw me. It took a long time for me to figure out who I was, who I wasn’t, and who I should have never wanted to be.
And you know what I’ve realized: I’m not cool. In fact, I’m a downright nerd. And I’m really okay with that.
I like watching Disney movies, especially the ones that were popular when I was a kid (think Brink, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century & Wish Upon a Star). Sometimes I get dressed up and stare in the mirror and pretend I’m at a Hollywood Movie Premiere, or just out and about. I like country music. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is now, and will always be my favorite television show. I am completely fascinated with the Olsen twins and watch New York Minute whenever I need to be cheered up. I would probably rather stay home and play board games then go out and get wasted. I think playing Scrabble is fun. I adore Hello, Kitty. I enjoyed Twilight, the movie AND the book. I still listen to Blink 182, NSYNC, S Club 7 and old school Britney Spears religiously and think there is nothing better than putting on music and dancing around my bedroom. I will dance in the middle of the grocery store and I don’t care what you think. I wish were life was a musical, and I enjoy watching High School Musical. I squeal when I’m excited, and I get excited over the littlest things. I look fifteen and sometimes I act twelve, but it really is okay with me. My Mom is still my biggest hero, and sometimes I’d rather hang out with her than friends.
And I still sleep with my favorite stuffed toys.
I’m never going to be “cool”, but you know what? Okay. I’m not cool. Honestly if cool means trying to be someone you’re not then that is fine with me. I’m happy, and that’s all that matters.