Going through the motions… walking through the part.

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Pink Button up tank. Black high-waisted skirt. New Steve Madden shoes (not pictured). Pleather jacket & hoody (not pictured).

For the first time in a long time, I went to the mall today by myself. I know that doesn’t sound all that brave, but I don’t do well in crowds. The mall for me can be hit or miss: sometimes I’m okay, and sometimes I have such bad panic attacks I can’t move. But with Andrew’s 20th birthday quickly approaching, I’m trying to come up with the perfect girl. And after wandering around Chapters for about an hour, I finally got a great idea. So now just comes the planning part, which is always the hardest. Actually, no… that’s not the hardest part. My inability to deal with even the smallest thing going wrong is the hardest part.

Case in point: I tried making pancakes for Andrew last night. I’ve been wanting to make him my protein pancakes for the longest time. But, of course, the one night I decide to my pancakes they decide to be a complete fiasco (or what I consider to be a complete fiasco). And, me being me, there were tears. I don’t know how I’ll ever be a house wife, let alone live on my own and take care of myself, when I can’t even make easy pancakes (which I make for myself all the time) without an emotion breakdown. I wish I could figure out my emotions, but the more I try to figure them out the more out of control they seem to get.

I’m supposed to go out with girlfriends tonight and I know I should but I feel a sudden urge of lonerness. I would really love to curl up with teen movies and slippers and relive my favorite movies: She’s All That, Clueless, Never Been Kissed and Bring it on. And as much as I would love to get all dolled up, share a couple drinks and have a spur of the moment dance party, I think I might take a rain check for tonight. We have a whole summer of time to be had, one night isn’t that big of a deal. Then again… I don’t want to also get into the habit of hiding from the world again. I had finally broken out of that state-of-mind, and it would be a shame to fall back there.

Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball for moments like this.

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