I’ve been up for days… trying to write this confession down. Seems like every line, I write a mess.

For a while now, I’ve been saying that I really want to start exercising. Once upon a time, I used to exercise a lot. Mostly on my exercise bike, but I enjoyed the work out in general. There was weights, and my ball, and I would break them out every day, jumping around and feeling good. And then, like so many things, I just stopped. I got lazy, or bored, or something. Either way it just wasn’t as important to me and slowly I let myself turn into a couch potato again, promising that the next day, I would start working out again, which never did happen.

The thing is, though, that when I’m exercising I’m much less anxious which has a slew of positive effects like: wanting to actually get out of the house, not having random panic attacks, and overall feeling good. Which is why I decided that I’m going to break out my collection of work out DVDs and start getting into it. Everyday, without excuses. With today being day one. The DVDs are just the beginning, obviously. My goal is to also start getting out in the beautiful sunshine to work out; I’d love to start jogging since I really loved the treadmill at Oak Island.

Last night, I went out with Andrew to a friend’s birthday party slash the last party at a band we know’s soon-to-be-ex house. And… I had too much to drink. Which used to be the story of my life, but I thought I had gotten past my get-drunk-and-get stupid faze. And I hate that once again, I realized something this morning: I don’t want to do this anymore. But the thing is, in the moment, the anxiety hits and I keep drinking even when I know I shouldn’t. And I think waking up at six this morning feeling just… stupid, made me realize exactly why it is important I don’t just say “Oh, yeah, time to get healthy and work out” and why I actually do it this time. I can’t let my anxiety control me, and I can’t try and mask it by drinking too much.

Last night wasn’t even as bad as it’s been before. But if I don’t get it controlled now, I know how bad it can get. And I don’t want to go back there again.

I have this fear, of being at Andrew’s cottage–on the float boat–and getting anxious, and I just start drinking way too much, get drink and get stupid. But I know if I just get my anxiety under control now, then it won’t be a problem at all will be much, much less of a problem. I have a month and twelve days, roughly, and I can handle that. Get my diet under control, start working out everyday, and I know that for one getting on the plane will be easier, and second when I’m there, daily anxiety will be much more under control. And that’s what I want: I want to be a real person again.

God this is way too much to write out at 7:45 in the morning, but it needed to be, so there we go: the truth, more or less. Fears and all.

Now I’m going to watch Stick It, get motivated, drink another liter of water, and then start my first day of Jillian Michaels 30 Shred which is supposed to be one heck of a work out (check out the amazon reviews) but I’m hoping I can get through the first level without dying.

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