To face this on my own… well I guess this growing up.

You know what can always simultaneously make me feel old and freak me out: when people my age get married, have children, or both. I mean, I’m twenty-two years old, so it really shouldn’t be that shocking. But considering I still feel about 16 some days, it kind of freaks me out to see all these people doing grown up things: buying houses, and getting married, and having kids.

Like, take for example, I just found out an ex-boyfriend of mine (not a serious ex-boyfriend) has a kid now. This is the second ex-boyfriend I’ve found out has a kid, and I only have 3 ex-boyfriends total. I’m not sure why this completely freaks me, but it does. It’s the epitome of mind-blowing because it makes me realize that I am growing up. That I’m getting older. That someday I’m going to be the one buying a house, getting married, and, yes, having children. Right now is this inbetween place for me. I’m living at home, in the protection of my parents. But if this week they’ve been away has taught me anything, someday I’m going to have myself to rely on. There will be no parents to drive me places, or pick me up. To buy me groceries. To pay my phone bill for me. No, someday I will be on my own, or taking care of myself and, eventually, other people. And I think that is what really freaks me out about seeing people around me living so independently–growing up is inevitable. As much as never-neverland seems like it could be a wonderful place to live, eventually you have to put on your grown up pants, and take care of yourself.

I love dreaming about living with Andrew someday, and what our lives are going to be like, the house we’re going to live in, ect. But in all honesty those are just dreams. Eventually, yes, those dreams will come true, but there is no time limit on that. It could happen in a year, or ten. But whenever I find out something like a girl I went to high school with is engaged, or married, or has a kid–especially the ones I was closer to in high school–then I instantly start to wonder if those are things I should be concerned about having. Even when I find out people have their own places, I can’t help but wonder if that is something I should be planning for. I know someday I should move out, but I never really seriously think about it. It isn’t until I get hit with one of these real-world reminders that I start questioning if I should be planning for moving out. And then, suddenly, it’s all I can think about.

Sigh, I guess this really is growing up.

Me, with a baby. Can you even imagine?

mebaby

(my little cousin, Parker– cicra 2003)

I’m still practically a baby myself!

mebaby2

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