They say breaking up is hard to do. And to that I say: understatement.
This last week has been a blur, and regardless of how much time has passed it hasn’t gotten easier. If anything it’s gotten worse. I keep trying to figure out how I feel, but the truth is… I have no idea. One minute it seems like I’m going to be okay, or at least going to be okay someday, and then something happens and I completely lose any semblance of composure. I just really don’t know how I’m supposed to handle anything. Whenever anything happens, the first person I want to turn to is him. My best friend. But he’s also the person who did this whole thing, which means he’s the last person I want to talk to. It’s this ongoing cycle of hating him, missing him, feeling like I’m okay, and realizing I’m not.
And here’s what’s hardest of all: after six years as my best friend we may not be friends at all. Ever. And while that completely terrifies me, I don’t think it bothers him in the least. Or, at least not as much as it leaves me shaking and crying. I thought we could be friends, and for a brief moment it seemed possible. Like we were closer to that. But the truth is if he were to start dating her–someone who I thought was a friend–then how could we ever be friends. It’s far to hurtful as an idea, and to see it live and in person who break my heart all over again. And he doesn’t seem to understand why that would be hurtful as long as she made him happy (and he made her happy).
Like it wouldn’t be a constant reminder of how inadequate I was. And make me feel incredibly silly for believing that this was sudden–while he had his doubts, nothing had happened between them. That this was about us not being right for each other.
I honestly believed him when he first promised me they wouldn’t get together, and I thought he had more respect for me, and for we had, to not date someone who was a friend. Not after six years. Now I wonder if I am being naive, and… I’m starting to believe everyone when they say that something had to be going on behind my back. I held this skewed belief that I knew him well enough to know he would never cheat on me. But… now I can’t not believe that he wasn’t cheating. And that hurts even more. Because not only am I naive for not seeing this coming, I’m naive for believing that voice inside my head that said nothing would happen, not ever.
Today is just going to be one of those days.