But this new diet’s liquid and dulling to the senses. And it’s crude… but it will do.

Lately, I feel like I’m losing my mind.

My life is kind of in a cycle. During the week it’s: work, come home and spend hours alone in my bedroom with nothing but a million pictures of the past, Facebook and my thoughts, then try and fall asleep and do it all over again. So when the weekend rolls around, it’s work, then go out and literally losing my mind with my friends trying to forget everything. Without anyone to talk to, I tend to keep everything pushed down, which means it comes out in other areas of my life–like drunken Saturday nights.

I’m just having the hardest time not only figuring out what comes next, but what it even means to be me. Who the hell I even am. Which is probably why I’ve been losing my mind when I do go out. And then there is the other thing–I feel so abandoned. I don’t even have anyone I can really sit down and have a heart to heart with, tears and all. It feels so silly talking to people, and admitting things I’ve only ever admitted to one person is even harder. I trust my friends, I do. And once upon a time I found it easy to talk about things. But now… I’m not sure. It’s all me, but I feel like when I’m around them the last thing I should be doing it talking about how I’m not over things, not even close. How scared I am of being alone. And the other things… my deep dark secrets which aren’t so deep after all.

I know I need to curb my weekend madness, just a little bit. It would be nice to go out, and have a good time without going crazy. But what comes next besides that? I have no clue.

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One response

  1. there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun, lady.

    i went from being a house-wife (cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of the house, spending every day with my boyfriend) to being alone, staying at my parents’ house so i can catch up with debts, partying almost every day, spending lots of time with friends, staying out late on work nights, drinking like i’m seventeen again.

    you have to let loose and figure your shit out without holding back, or you’ll never pass this point. try to enjoy the ride as best you can.

    from what i’ve read, you were with your ex-boyfriend for six years… try not to be so hard on yourself. accept the pain and deal with it how you feel you should. don’t hold back because you feel you’re not doing the right thing.

    your friends love you, they’ll be there if you need it.

    xo

    -e

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