If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I seriously considered shutting down this blog last night. The last couple days have been a slap in the face, sending my progress in moving on four steps back, and I was probably in my lowest point yet. The thing was, I was doing so well. I mean–I had accepted the truth, I was dealing with that, I was moving on. It felt really good. Hell, I thought I was ready for being friends with Andrew. After my grandmother passed away, we had been talking. I even considered sending him a text, saying let’s go for coffee and talk about this whole “friends” thing.
And then I found out he lied to me. Again.
The one thing I asked him, was that if he was going to date her, then he would be honest with me and tell me. The last thing I wanted was to find out via facebook that they were dating. Of course, I did tell him if they were dating we couldn’t be friends (not unreasonable). Anyways, so what do I find out Sunday night? That they’re dating of course. Via messages on Facebook. So after completely melting down for being lied to again, I asked for the truth. And got it. His reasoning behind everything? Well, he knew I wouldn’t be his friend so he figured he would hide it from me. He also informed me if he could change anything, he wouldn’t have told me, like I deserved, but would have been even sneakier.
I know it’s silly that this information (him lying, not them dating) basically sent me into nuclear meltdown, but it did. And it wasn’t pretty. It was one of the lowest moments of this entire break up.
I’m so thankful for the friends that I have though. After driving around in the darkness for two hours, I let everything out. And my best friend helped me realize that Andrew and I can’t be friends, but not only that, we shouldn’t. Regardless of the fact we’re broken up, Andrew still has control over me, and it fucks me up every time. Every time he sends a text message, “concerned”, it just puts him back in my head and pauses moving on. The truth is, he has no right to be concerned, or worried, or telling me I should stop going out drinking with my best friends. He has no right to say anything to me. He made his choice, and he has to live with that.
So I’ve made a decision, and that’s he’s gone out of my life. Completely, and forever. I wanted to believe that someday we could be friends. After all, he was always my best friend. He knew–and still knows–everything about me; my deepest darkest secrets. But it doesn’t matter, because what he did I wouldn’t do to an enemy. And the person he is now is not the boy who was my best friend, the boy I trusted with everything. And I know now, that if I let there even be a little communication, then he’s there. And he still has control over me, and I’m hopeless. It’s pathetic how easily I crumble into this meek little girl who thinks she needs him to protect her. I don’t need him to protect me anymore–I don’t need anything from him anymore. He was always overprotective of me, and I resented him for it.
And now, the only person who needs to look out for me is me. And once I’m the only one in my head, I know I’ll be okay.
And this space, my space, is not going anywhere.