I haven’t really had any words to write lately.
To be honest, I’ve been in a completely and total funk for a while, but it took a turn for the worst the last couple days. Tomorrow will be two months since Andrew and I broke up. Two months. Apparently, even when we’re not together, I’m still keeping track of anniversaries. It seems like it can’t possibly have been that long already, and a lifetime, all at once. I want to feel happy, I want to move on, but I just can’t. All I can do is sit alone, and think about how much I miss the boy who was my best friend for six and a half years. I miss the person I could tell anything to, because he really was the only one who knew everything. I don’t even want to be his girlfriend… that ship has long since sailed. But his friend? I just want to have someone to talk to again.
My walls are fall too tall to break down now, and so there is no one around that I can talk about all the bad stuff with. It just keeps getting worse, and worse and worse, and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Things can only build up for so long before they explode.
Maybe I should just trust people… be able to open up and let them in. But when the people I care about keep abandoning me, it’s hard. Whenever I feel like maybe I’m ready, maybe I can admit–out loud–what’s going on, I get ditched. Whenever I really need someone, they’re no where to be found. Sometimes I feel like the only time my friends really want to be around me, is when they want to get drunk and silly. And that’s no time for a heart to heart (you barely remember what you say… or so I’ve learned). I just wish I knew, once in a while, that someone would be there for me. I’m the kind of girl who would drop everything to be there for her friends, and it never seems to come back to me. I can’t help but wonder why I’m just never good enough. That’s all I really want–for once, just once, to know I’m good enough.
And I find it all too funny that the one person I could probably trust myself to talk to in all of this, was the first boy to ever break my heart when I was sixteen. If that’s not one strange turn of events, I’m not sure WHAT is.