I know I’ve written it before, but I’ve spent a large chunk of my life being afraid–being afraid to be myself, being afraid to take chances, even just being afraid to pick up the phone. And for a long time, I let myself be comfortable in the familiar (aka. the relationship I had with Andrew). If I can thank our heart wrenching break up for anything, it’s the fact that is has pulled me out of my shell more than I ever thought possible. I wrote that entry on being brave only a week before Andrew and I broke up, and I have to say, I’ve kept pretty true to my promise.
Before that fateful day, I didn’t really have outside relationships with friends. I mean, I had friends (obviously). But I hadn’t seen my best friends since October. My life was work, Andrew, work, Andrew, sleep. And that was it. I’m not saying it was completely bad, I’m just saying it was comfortable and it was safe. Since that day, I’ve finally reconnected with my best friends again. I finally feel like I have best friends again. I make plans; I call people. There have been coffee dates, and sushi dates, and girlie sleepovers–all things I hadn’t had in longer than I can remember. And it feels beyond amazing. It feels right. That girl that I said I missed, that girl I said I wanted to be again–I finally feel like I’m actually taking steps towards being her. I finally feel whole again.
I would never say that being with Andrew was a mistake. I loved him, I still love and miss him. But, I have to admit that maybe there is a reason why I’ve stayed so strong through this whole thing (for the most part). Andrew was all I ever knew for a long time, and he tried so hard to “save” me–and I let him. He was my everything. And now I finally am learning about myself, about who I am on my own, by myself. And this girl? Yeah, she’s a bit of a lush. And she’s totally a nerd. But I like her. A lot. For the first time in longer than I remember, I have confidence again; in who I am, in what I do, and my future. Of course I still have my low moments, and I probably always will. But the truth is that I’m okay with that. I think that Carrie Bradshaw said it best:
“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart.”
Things are changing–I can feel it in the air. And you know? I feel good about it. For the first time in months and months I’m excited about the future. It holds good things, I just know it. So here’s to Summer, to confidence, to seconds chances and best friends. And if I meet a cute boy along the way? Well, that’ll be just fabulous. But for right now, I’m good with it just being me.