And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends… after all that we’ve been through… I know we’re cool, I know we’re cool.

I’ve never been the best at understanding break-ups, or the etiquette behind them. My best examples are the friends around me, or television programs. As far as my friends are concerned, by best friend especially, they’ve more or less been able to stay friends with their most important exes. They hang out, they joke, and only occasionally sleep together– but they’re friends none-the-less.

And as for television examples you have Carrie and Mr. Big (Sex and the City), who even though struggled at first, okay had an affair, ended up being friends…. okay, and they ended up together but whatever. You have Logan and Veronica (Veronica Mars), who more or less looked like they would stay friends in the finale, although we didn’t fully get to see where that would go thanks to an untimely cancellation. Xander and Cordelia (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) managed to remain friendly even after their awful breakup, although it did take a while. And she did ultimately leave Sunnydale forever, never to return.

Okay, maybe television is a bad example. But you see what I mean. I don’t really have any person experience with being friends with my ex. I only have one real ex, who I dated when I was 16. I have the people around me, who seemingly have no problems being around their exes, and television shows that are not exactly realistic. So when I’m trying to figure out the rules behind breaking up with your ex, and being friends, it gets a little confusing. No, scratch that, it gets really confusing.

Truthfully, this isn’t a post with the answers. Rather, this is the post where I ask the questions: what are the rules when it comes to being friends with an ex? Is it even possible? That seems to be the question of the week, especially with how easily it seems like it could be. And then the confusion comes… and I have no idea. It’s like I’m living the lyrics of a Gwen Stefani song.

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4 responses

  1. long time reader, i’m not sure that i’ve ever posted before though.

    anyway, i personally am very against being friends with exes. ESPECIALLY in the beginning! everyone i know that does that ends up delaying and dragging out the suffering. it just isn’t cool.

    later on, i think some – very few – can manage it, emotionally, but i think it’s usually only one of the people that is cool with it, and the other one is just missing them or whatever. and i’m especially against it after you’ve moved on and are with someone new. it affects the new person, undoubtedly.

    and someone that didn’t want to stick around is NOT worth messing up your future relationships and happiness. anyway, good luck! i’m very adamant about this issue, probably because i spend so much time cleaning up the messes breakups cause in my friend’s lives. :)

  2. You need to do what is best for you. I have friends that do have ex’s that they can be friends with. I’ve never been able to manage this. I don’t see or speak to any of them, and I prefer it that way.

    It also depends on why the relationship ended. If it was amicable and you parted friendly then maybe after some time you can be friends. If it ended a horrible mess, then it’s probably best you stay away.

  3. I guess it definitely works for some people. In my experience it never does.. I have tried with all 3 of my exes to stay friends and now we hate each other. I really really wish I hadn’t tried, especially so early after the break ups, because if I hadn’t we might still be able to be in the same room as each other.

    By the way, I wanted to mention I LOVE the book you are currently reading. I love Sarah Dessen!

  4. personally, i don’t think it’s healthy to remain very close with exes. i’ve had a handful of flings, or friends i’ve slept with, and i’ve definitely remained on good terms with them because it was never really more than physical.

    i was with a boy on and off for four years (an abusive relationship), so you can imagine that we are not on speaking terms, and i avoid anywhere i know he will be.

    my other ex and i lived together and had a great relationship. he’s a wonderful man and i respect him as a person. we’re on speaking terms, we’re friendly if we see each other in public, but it doesn’t go much further than that. he checked up to see if my move went alright, and i’ve messaged him about getting stuff from the house, but that’s it. i’m going to decline the invitation to his best friend’s wedding out of respect for space and privacy, and i don’t hang out with him or his friends anymore. i think there are boundaries, and when it comes to people you’ve lived with, loved, or had an important relationship with… i don’t think it’s smart or fair to reamin so close.

    i don’t know you, or your situation personally, but i think it’s far too soon, and you’re still too emotionally invested to be friends with him. being on good terms is one thing, but hanging out, sleeping together, text messaging, or whatever… is unhealthy.

    you’ve written so many posts about spreading your wings and becoming who you want to be. getting close to him again will only slow down your healing process.

    you should focus more on you, and less on him. he didn’t even have the decency to be honest with you, so why be so forgiving so soon?

    love yourself first.

    (just my opinion!)

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