I’ve been debating writing about this over and over and over for days. But If I can’t write it here–my personal blog–then where can I write it? I’ve tried to never shy back from what’s exactly on my mind. So why start now?
My sister’s pregnant–aka the reason why they’ve moved the date of the wedding up. And here’s the thing: I don’t think that it’s a good, happy thing. Regardless of the multiple reasons why she tried to convince my father and I why we should be happy about it. (My mother, in New Brunswick until Friday–dealing with all the arrangements for my grandmother’s funeral next month–has absolutely no idea what’s waiting for her.)
Now, okay–I know accidents happen. I’ve had my fair share of scares (all thankfully ending with negative pregnancy tests and the purchase of a jumbo pack of condoms.) But the thing is, my sister has always been smart when it comes to safe sex. I always used to joke that she was the queen of the condom. Her and the groom to be have been together for five years–baby free. But it goes deeper than that. When I told my sister that I was disappointed her in and thought she was smarter than this (yes, I’m a bitch. I’m aware) I wasn’t just talking about the fact she was pregnant. It’s because my sister is a hard core bulimic. We’re talking throwing-up-twenty-plus-times-a-day-somebody-call-intervention bulimic.
I could be positive about this–all “maybe this will be good for her, she can finally recover!“–or I can be realistic. The thing is, unlike my family, I’ve always kind of been caught in the middle when it comes to my sister, knowing way more then I wish I knew. And while my parents love to hail from denial when it comes to her eating problems, I look at things truthfully. My sister refuses to get professional help, even refuses to recognize that it as something that will kill her. We’re not talking the kind of girl who throws up the occasional meal when she feels fat. We’re talking someone who throws up every. single. thing. she. eats. And used to hide 2 L bottles of vomit in her bedroom (and this was only months ago, while she still lived at home). That’s why, knowing she’s pregnant, I can only fear for the health of this baby. I was with my sister on Thursday, and it was obvious that she was still throwing up. Now she has the excuse of using “morning sickness”? It terrifies me.
And even if she were to spend the next 7 months not throwing up, what’s going to happen when that baby comes? Mental illness doesn’t just disappear without getting help. It will just be a matter of time before she’s back to her old habits worse then ever. And if she doesn’t kill herself first, the effect of that on a kid? My mother calling herself fat on a daily basis was enough to make me start watching my weight very carefully at a young age (14). Can you imagine if you have to deal with Mom throwing up on a daily basis? What does that do to an unsuspecting mind?
I just don’t know what to do. My father tells me it’s none of my business. Her fiance thinks she’s been recovered for years. And there is a part of me which now wants nothing to do with the next three months, even her wedding and it makes me feel horrible. But she refuses to get help, or acknowledge that she has a real problem, and now it’s not just about her it’s about a baby. A poor, innocent child who didn’t ask to be brought into this world and has no idea the fucked up world it’s coming in to.