It’s probably safe to say…. I’m not the world’s safest bet. I’ve never been too good at being good.

I’ve certainly be missing in action, haven’t I?

I never mention to go on an unannounced hiatus, it’s just with everything that’s happened over the last few weeks I’ve barely been able to compose my thoughts. Throw on the fact my 24th birthday is in a month, exactly, and I find myself have a mini freak out. You’d think after the last 335 days, I’d be so ready to leave 23 behind and celebrate my birthday will full gusto. And, part of me is. But at the same time I kept help but find my mind drifting back to this time last year, and thinking about how everything has changed.

It’s not even like I find myself thinking: Man, I want that back (or I want him back). Because I really, really don’t.

So then, what is it that has my mind all kerfuffled. I’m not even sure what it is that keeps plaguing my mind. The thing is, with the exception of my uncle passing away, things have been really good. Okay, so work has been the definition of chaotic, but my social life has been, well… social. And here’s a scary thing for me to admit: I’m kind of seeing someone. It’s new, and undefined, and it’s kind of scary. But it’s also exciting because it is so, so different. For the first time in months and months, and months there is suddenly some light–something that brightens my day. It’s all about the here and now, one minute at a time. And I like that.

And yet, here I am, feeling blahs I just can’t shake. And the memories of last October filling my head.

I suppose that it’s natural when big events happen (weddings, funerals) you find yourself grasping onto what is left to the memories you once had. They’re familiar, comforting. Sometimes I still get so angry, or feel so hurt, that he wasn’t there for Krista’s wedding (playing his ninetendo DS like he always joked he would) or my Uncle Reid’s funeral (my uncle always liked him, even after everything that happened). That for the first time since I was seventeen, he won’t be there for my birthday. I don’t want to cling onto the past–I am far happier where I am, where ever that is. But at the same time, 23 was all about him. So maybe that’s what I’m scared of. Turning 24, a whole new year, means that I finally am shedding everything about the last year. I’ve changed so, so much in the last year, hell in the last six months, that I know I really have left behind that part of who I was.

Maybe that’s what scares me: a new boy on my mind (and in my life), a new me, and most importantly, a new year. There really is no turning back, no returning to the girl I was (not that I would in a million years). There is something final about leaving this year behind that I’m not sure I felt before.

Or, maybe, I just think too much.

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3 responses

  1. I think of a quote from Kungfu panda when I read your post. It goes, “Quit, don’t quit? Noodles, don’t noodles? You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”

  2. I think you’re right to have these feelings, but just remember that it’s *better* for you to shed your 23rd year & start anew. It’s not going to feel good, but you’ll look back with pride that you managed to get through it all.

    Your life is looking up, Shannon; WAY up. I am so excited for what this 24th year is going to bring for you. :]

    <3

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