“I want… real love, pure and simple love.”
“You’d be bored within five minutes.”
“Better bored than ashamed of myself.”
It comes as no surprise that I have a bit of an obsession with Gossip Girl. Yeah, yeah. The show is completely implausible. But once in a while it has those moments that you can’t help but watch and go “oooh.” The above quote being one of those moments.
My life may not be an episode of Gossip Girl, but that doesn’t mean that lately it hasn’t had it’s fair share of dramatics. But the truth I’m coming to realize is while those moments are excellent for a good story to tell–and someday I know that my friends, my family, and past lovers will look back at those printed pages and know it was them I was talking about–I need something more. I’ve never been a person with regrets; I try my best to take each moment, good or bad, and tell myself that they happened for a reason. But lately… lately I find myself hating myself for the choices I’ve made. It seems so easy in the moment, but it’s just the moment. I’m twenty-six years old now, all grown up. And I keep making my same mistakes over and over and over again. That’s not what I want. I want to be strong, I want to be powerful. I want to think back on these days, the stories I’ve written, and know I made a right choice. I want to be happy.
And I’m not. I’m so far from happy it hurts.