You know that feeling, when you look back on something and you realize that maybe you made a mistake? I think some people called it regret. Well, I’ve been feeling it a lot lately.
I’m not a person who tries to live her life with regrets. I’m pretty good at looking at my life, and knowing that whatever happened it made me a stronger person. But the truth is, as 2012 comes to a close I’m realizing more and more that I that feeling has been plaguing me. Honestly, from the beginning I regretted breaking up with the boy. Obviously, there were issues, and they weren’t great. Things sucked, and I was mad. When I broke up with him it was because it had come to a head, and I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. But lately–and maybe it’s the holidays, or the fact that I can’t help but shake the fact I’m still in love with him–I’ve questioned more and more whether or not I made the right decision.
The truth is, I’m not sure I did.
I’m not sure what to do with that realization. I’ve tried to ignore it, I’ve tried to fight it. But every time I do, his smiling face comes back at me and I just think… “I fucked up.” We weren’t perfect–far from it. The truth is, both of us are a mess. But that was what I loved about us. For the first time, I didn’t have to play the part of perfect girlfriend, or have this second person I had to be. He loved me regardless of my shenanigans. Sure we had our time apart, our fights, or stilted conversations. But there were also the good times, the times when the two of us were just sitting there, he’d grab my hand and we’d dance for no reason, with no music playing. There were just as many good times as there were bad, and through all of that, I never doubted he loved me. I got caught up in my emotions, and I forgot that. But there truth is, I miss him. I miss that. And I want so badly to make things right again.
Maybe it means nothing. Maybe I just never got closure. Maybe I just need to move on, and let go.
But for right now, I just can’t.