we keep this love in a photograph… we made these memories for ourselves.

photo credit: Bethany MacIsaac Photography

Its been a while since I wrote anything.

The last year and a half have held so many up and down moments. Happy memories made, and more tears than I’d like to think back on. But if one moment stands out in my mind–it’s this day.

September 12, 2015 — I married my best friend, the love of my life.

If you’ve stuck with this long a long time, then you know my story hasn’t always been an easy one to tell. There was a time in my life when broken wouldn’t even describe who I was. I lost myself, for a long… long time. When K. came into my life, the darkness I lost myself in for so long slowly, but surely, started to lighten again. And for the first time in the longest time I realized that I wasn’t alone, that there was someone who I could confide in. Not just the good things, the happy things–but someone who I could show all of me. Who I could lay beside, and confess the things I’ve been through… all of it. No filter, no hiding.

For the first time I realized what it meant to be loved unconditionally.

We’ve started a new journey together, and I have no idea what the next 50+ years has to offer. All I do know is that will be beside me… my love, my husband, my best friend.

Advertisements

The things you make me wanna do… I’d rob a quik-e-mart for you. I’d go to the pound and let all the cats go free… just as long as you’d be with me.

flowers

Do you remember seventeen?

Or, more importantly, do you remember what it felt like to fall in love at seventeen?

I do–that giddy romantic feeling. That feeling like nothing bad could ever happen. The nervous excitement of just holding someone’s hand. The excitement of hearing their voice on the phone, or seeing their face after a couple days. Smiling to yourself just thinking about them, looking like a damn fool but not even caring. The way you just wanted to get lost in them. The way the whole world ceased to exist, even for a couple hours.

I thought I’d long ago forgotten that feeling.

I thought that I’d never feel that again.

It would be silly to say what I’m feeling right now is love–that would be rushing things, and way too soon. But I can tell you this much, what I’m feeling brings me back to those simple, innocent days. It’s happening so quickly, so out of the blue. But whatever this is, I haven’t felt it in a long, long, long time. Not since I was seventeen. It makes me giddy, and excited. It’s the little things that have captured my heart, and thawed it out. This is different, so different, than what I’m used to and it’s made me feel like a girl I used to remember–a girl I long ago thought that I had lost. And feeling like her again has knocked me out of a desperate funk I’ve let myself lie in for all too long.

It’s not all him, but I have to admit the way he looks at me…. it’s made me realize that I don’t have to get caught up in my past mistakes. And even though I thought I lost her, I’m still that silly love struck girl I once was.

I’ve finally made it… I’ve hoped and I’ve waited. And for the first time in my life, I don’t feel so alone.

Anyone who has read this blog for a lengthy period of time knows the last couple years have been a serious of ups and downs. A lot has changed for me–my job, my relationship status, my hair color. And through it all I’ve held true to the knowledge that regardless of how many bumps in the road there may be, eventually–if I worked hard enough for it, and didn’t just give up–everything was going to come together. I had to stray off course a little to realize what exactly it was I true wanted.

And it seems as though 2012 is my year.

I’ve always felt younger when it comes to my life choices. A lot of time I’ve felt behind of my life experiences. At the beginning of this year, I made a promise to myself that this would be the year I finally got my own place. It’s been a long time coming. And when I got my promotion at work, I knew it was truly possible. And so I started looking. Turns out, looking for an apartment is tedious and time consuming. It also sucks. But I kept to it, knowing I would probably be living on my own. And so with that knowledge, I went through ads, trying to find the perfect place to call home. And felt disappointed each time.

And then, once again, things came together for me. A friend of mine sent me a message, saying she heard I was looking for a roommate, and that she was looking for a roommate for her new townhouse she just moved into. She told me I should come check it out, and so I went and visited yesterday. Suffice to say, I move in two weeks.

Things are really coming together. Good job? Check. New place? Check. Adorable boy that makes me smile? Check. I have to say, I’ve never been happier. My life is finally going back in the right direction. I feel like the successful adult I always knew I could be. I may have got a little lost for a while, made my fair share of mistakes, but that’s what growing up is all about. I’m smarter and wiser, and I’m definitely ready for this next chapter of my life to start.

 

I drove five hundred thousand miles to find a world unlike my own… and now middle of nowhere seems like my home.

It’s time to admit it. I just can’t ignore it anymore. Summer is over.

Truthfully, ever since I started my new job I’ve been feeling more and more like summer was ending. Working long hours (and an abundance of fall clothing in stores) will do that to a girl. Even still, with September only hours away, I can’t help but find myself looking back longingly at the Summer that was. Today I spent what will probably be my last day at the lake, soaking in the sunshine as much as possible with my best friend by my side, feeling a little bit nostalgic–already–for the last couple months.

You know, without a doubt, I can say I’ve lived more in the last three or four months than in the last twenty four years. I’ve always been one of those people who has to write what they know. Sure, I always embellish, but I need inspiration for which to draw from. And sometimes I feel like maybe that’s why my stories have been a lot of the same, over and over. When you only know a few things, or haven’t lived all that much, it’s harder to draw from your own experiences. But over the course of the last year, I’ve found myself coming out of my shell a little bit more, taking risks I never would have taken before, finally embracing who I am. And this Summer… well, it was the summer of me. I finally let go of all the preconceived ideas I had about how to live, threw my hands in the air, and jumped in with both feet without once thinking about the what ifs. I felt like I was living, making up for lost time. And oh boy, do I have some stories to tell.

But now that I can feel fall in the air, I suddenly realize that I also need something solid to hold onto. A future. That’s the thing I feel myself craving so much. A solid path to look down, somewhere in the horizon where I know I’m headed. Right now… right now I have a job, yes, and I love it. Hell, it could even be a career. But a job doesn’t make a life alone, and so lately I’ve really been considering the future. And what I want out of it. And more and more I’ve realized if I really want to blossom, then it may be time to leave. Leave home. Leave Halifax. Leave Nova Scotia. I’m a big fish in a little pond, and I’m craving a change of scenery so badly. There are so many things I want, a future I keep avoiding. And it’s time I took the same bravery I had in embracing my summer, and made a decision, no regrets.

 

The winds of change of blowing, and the big city is calling me.

It won’t happen all at once, I’m sure. But one day soon I hope I’ll have a big announcement to share.

 

So take these words and sing out loud… ’cause everyone is forgiven now… ’cause tonight’s the night the world begins again.

I’ve been bouncing back and forth on my thoughts about 2011. The truth is, I’ve always made a list of resolutions at the beginning of the year, as long as I can remember, but–if last year was any indication–life tends to throw me off course so I don’t end up accomplishing them. But the thing is, even if I don’t accomplish a single thing on my list, it’s always interesting to look back and see where I was at the beginning of the year. My starting point.

My resolutions for 2011.

  • Start taking better care of myself. If one thing has dragged me down, it’s the fact that I haven’t felt 100% healthy in longer than I can remember. I’m constantly feeling sick, run down, or under the weather. I’m not sure where this one starts, but I know it’s probably the most important.
  • Eat healthier. This kind of goes hand in hand with the above. While I tend to eat fairly healthy foods, I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon a bit this year. (Candy is not my friend, and yet… I have a sweet tooth.) But it’s not just about avoiding the just. It’s about finding balance completely within my already complicated diet.
  • Find direction (and purpose). Okay, this one is kind of vague, but what I found about 2010 is a lot of the time I walked around not knowing what exactly I was doing, or what I wanted. I let my break up take control of me and leave me feeling like losing myself sometimes. This year, I really want to be able to know what I want, and get there. A new job, a new relationship — purpose in general.
  • Write more. Nothing unusual there. Writing is my life, it always has been, but I really need to make it more of a priority sometimes. The stories are there, just waiting to be told… all I need to do is find the words to tell them. I would really like to finish writing another novel before this year is over.
  • Do things that scare me. I know this seems kind of silly, but I want to test myself. The truth is, I already know that I’m a strong person and can handle some pretty stressful situations. But now is the time to have fun with that strength. 2010 saw me conquering some fear (singing in public, for one) and now it’s time to see what else I can do.

There’s a tattoo on your shoulder… and it reminds me we get a little older (we get a little older).

When I was sixteen, maybe seventeen, I started writing a story called Nameless. In it, the main character had a tattoo on her wrist of an infinity symbol. I wrote that because, at the time, I wanted so badly to get an infinity symbol on my wrist. The story is still a work in progress–the editing process is a long one–and up until yesterday the tattoo had always been a someday. Six years I’ve been dreaming of this tattoo, six years I’ve talked about getting this tattoo, and still something held me back. Fear. I’ve never been scared of the future, and not liking it. No, it was just fear of living, of change. And so for six years I talked about my tattoo instead of getting it.

Until yesterday.

It’s kind of serendipitous how everything happened. The appointment was already made, but after everything happened it really was what I needed. I’ve always said the infinity symbol, to me, would be about personal strength. And in the end, that’s exactly what it was. It still is. I look down at it, and I know regardless of what happens next, I’m still me and I have to be the best me I can be. And this tattoo is just the beginning of the best me I can be.  Six years I dreamed about this tattoo, too scared about actually getting it. And now… it just feels right. I finally feel like I can become the girl I scared of being because I have to be. If one thing this whole stupid thing has taught me is that I have to love myself, wholly and completely. There are the people around me who still love me, but if I can’t appreciate who I am, how can anyone else?

And thankfully, I have amazing best friends who will bare blizzards to go to tattoo appointments with me, and hold my hand and tell me how rockstar beautiful I am.

And you know what, I finally feel rockstar beautiful. Ripped jeans and a beauty queen smile.

The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you’ll finally get it right.

Wow, it’s 2010. Isn’t that insane? Also insane–I’ve lacked in updating since December 20th. I had a wonderful Christmas, and an even more wonderful New Years Eve, and now it’s a brand new year. Which, of course, means making resolutions for the year to come. I’ve never been big on making resolutions, mostly because if I don’t accomplish them, I just feel like I failed. But since I really want to work on accomplishing great things this year, I’ve made a list of things I want to cross off my list. They’re not really resolutions, I guess. More a list of things I want to finish before 2011 comes around.

  1. Get my full drivers license.
  2. Save a couple grand (at least) and look into moving out on my own.
  3. Look into (maybe) going back to school.
  4. Get a job outside the mall.
  5. Write at least one hour every day–without distraction (internet or television) even if it’s jibberish.
  6. Create a real writing space, including my Andy Warhol statue from the Andy Warhol inspiration box I got for Christmas.
  7. Be more comfortable being intimate.
  8. Improve flaws in eating. (Which includes cooking more, and bringing a lunch to work instead of relying on smoothies.)
  9. Clean//organize and stay clean and organized.
  10. Start exercising regularly not just for my body, but also for my mind.
  11. Get serious about my manuscript (which now simply sits in a folder on my computer untouched for the last couple months.) Look into publishers and submit.

And, of course. 12. Get at least one of my tattoos!

To be honest, I would love to accomplish all of these things this year. Maybe I will. But if I could accomplish at least half these things this year, then I would feel like I’ve made something of the year as a whole. Of course, who knows what 2010 holds, but since I started my year so wonderfully I have a good feeling about this year.

Each touch belongs to each new sound.

I didn’t end up starting the DVD yesterday. I was too exhausted and too hung over. However, I did start it today and even though it was hard, I feel good for getting through it. And I really am going to try and work do it every single day, in the morning when I am bouncing with energy. Ideally, I’d love to start every day with Jillian, and then do something else (Wii Fit, summer activities, walking, ect) later in the day. I’m going to start slowly, because I don’t want to over do it, but it is a goal of mine. And that got me thinking:  I’ve been daydreaming about things I want to accomplish this summer. A whole list of things that I can cross off before September rolls around. I want to get out of my head, do things I’ve never done before (or haven’t done for a really long time) and conquer my fears.

So here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

  • Start exercising everyday.
  • Start cooking more.
  • Learn how to make fresh guacamole and salsa.
  • Go camping, and sleep under the stars.
  • Write everyday without caring about the details.
  • Get my license and learn to drive again.
  • Have a really awesome water fight.
  • Throw a barbecue with all the Shannon friendly fixings.
  • Get out of the house more on walks.
  • Try and start running//jogging.
  • Use the Wii fit more often.
  • Call my friends, and initiate plans with them instead of waiting for them to call//text//message me.
  • Go out dancing.
  • Express my self more creatively.
  • Spend less time inside and more time outside, in the sunshine.
  • Eat out more (like trying The Heartwood Cafe, which I’ve been try for so, so long).

I’m sure I’ll come up with more things. I always do. But what I really want is to be able to start crossing some of those things off my list. I’ve spent the last couple years going better moments of serious anxiety, slowly slipping away. And what I want more than anything is to start having fun again, to stop being so afraid of living. I’m twenty-two years old and if I don’t stop being scared now then there are so many amazing things that I could miss out on. And I don’t want to miss anything.

another year you’ll all be here… falling in love and watching sunsets and sunrises.

First off: I’m wishing a happy, happy birthday to my dear Andrew who is 20 today.

Equally exciting today is that my friend Ev’yan at Apricot Tea is celebrating the launch of her advice column Ask Apricot. I’ve known Ev’yan for about six years, and let me tell you as a friend she’s always been great for giving advice, so I’m almost as excited about the launch of her advice column as she is!

And, for the launch of her column, she’s holding  a give away: someone will win the book Style Statement and an item of their choice from her store: Apricot’s Closet. So you should definitely make your way over to Ask Apricot and check the launch out. You know I’ll be there. =)

I’ll post pictures of whatever outfit I chose later today. I’m still trying to figure out what to wear. (And by that, I mean, I’m still in bed.)