It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas….

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Christmas is a month away.

Weird to think how quickly this year has sped by. It feels like not that long ago I was celebrating last Christmas now here it is, once again. While usually I tend to get depressed around Christmas, the blues hitting me hard. This year, though, things are feeling different. The closer we get to Christmas the more excited I get.

This is the boy and my first Christmas together (we started dating in the beginning of January last year.) And more exciting with us living together it will be just us two on Christmas morning. I plan on getting the two of us onesies for Christmas morning and making a big breakfast. Usually I dread the holidays but this year I’m a giddy schoolgirl. I can’t wait to start decorating and baking and watching all my favorite Christmas episodes of my favorite shows. Not to mention some of my best friends will be coming back from the far reaches of the country.

I don’t know what has gotten into me. But I’m flush with Christmas sport and I like it!

Here in this diary I write you visions of my summer… it was the best I ever had.

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To my best friend,

It’s been a year since you moved a straight shot across the country, landing on the opposite coast.

We’ve said since we were kids that no matter what happens, and what life brings us, we will be eighty years old crazy ladies drinking gin from teacups and telling the stories of when we were young. And even with the entire country between us I will never stop knowing that’s true. After 13 odd years of good times, bad times and drunk times our friendship has never wavered. A lot has been changing in the last year, and both of us are no longer the silly tipsy girls who used to get drunk on a pirate ship and stumble through the streets at midnight.  It blows my mind that the next couple years will see us getting married and having babies and starting our futures. But no matter what happens, how many miles between us, I know that you and I will always be a part of each others lives. You’re not just my best friend–you’re my second sister.

I miss you so much. Everyday. But whenever it gets too much all I have to do is close my eyes and remember the good times, never forgetting it’s just the beginning of many more memories to come.

Don’t wait too long to come home… my, how the years and our youth passed on. Don’t wait too long to come home… I will leave the front light on.

Hello 2013

(okay, so maybe I’m a little late on this post…. but oh well.)

It’s crazy to believe, but the whirlwind of a year that was 2012 is now over. And for me it certainly was full of ups and downs; of “i love you” and “goodbye”. It was the year I attempted to get my shit together, and fell all at the same time. But one thing I will love about 2012 was how I spent my Christmas holiday, and that was surrounded by the best of friends, old friends, and making new ones all at once.

Here’s the thing–I don’t do well with holidays, and I never have. But having my best friends back in town made everything absolutely perfect. In July, I had to say goodbye to the girls who have been by my side for as long as I can remember. The girls who supported me through everything that happened over the last three years. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive without them, and it’s been rough. My birthday being the worst. But having them back over the holidays made me realize no matter the distance, home truly is where the heart is. And that even time and distance will never erase what we’ve been through, and what we mean to each other.

Memories are nothing without the people you make them with. And these will keep me sane until we’re together again, however soon that it.

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Because the radio will still play loud… songs that we heard as our guards came down. Like in the summertime when we first met… I’ll never forget, don’t you forget. These nights are still ours.

When I was a little girl, or even in my teens, I remember thinking of my best friends and just knowing that we’d all be forty, or sixty, or eighty, and still together, and still causing trouble. But the truth is, while my life has been quietly changing and coming together, so has the lives of those around me. And I can’t really fight the fact now that everyone–my childhood best friends, and best friends from recent years–are all about to scatter across the country on new adventures, leaving me behind.

I knew the grey area of being a teenager couldn’t last forever. Growing up is just that–growing. Spreading your wings and setting yourself free to see just exactly you’re capable of. But I have to admit, even if it’s been a long time coming, this all seems kind of sudden to me. It makes me wish I could hold onto those silly summers just a little bit longer, before they’re gone for good–even if they’re already gone for good. I’ve always been one for nostalgia, and now I feel myself clinging to it more than often.

Not that I’m not having my own adventures. Life right now has never been more exciting. And I do finally feel like things are settling themselves into place. While my adventure may not involve plane rides or new cities, it’s still happening, and it’s still exciting. And there is a part of me, however small, that feels right to break free out of the shadow of someone else, and prove myself in my own right. But now I have no choice; whether or not I’m ready for it, there is no one’s shadow to hide under. There is just me, standing front and center.

 

I know a goodbye is coming–a goodbye to my teenage years, and a goodbye to silly summer nights. It hurts. But it’ll be good to know I’ll still have the memories to hold onto. And, hopefully, one hell of a story to tell someday.

I can be the girl in your fantasy, wild and free… say that you let me. A playboy bunny is all you need for tonight.

Wow, I haven’t written since last year. Where the heck has my brain been?

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Truthfully, a lot has been going on behind the scenes lately, and as 2012 was ushered in (drunk, with close friends, in a very low key event), things were already happening. Anyone knows, I’m the queen of saying “this year, everything will be different” and then having horrible follow through. I spent 23 and a large part of 24 stuck in the same pattern of wanting change, but never really attempting it. But things actually are changing, and I’m letting go of my fear when it comes to that silly thing called life.

Of course, me being me, I don’t want to reveal too much yet–lest my plans be spoiled. But I can let you know that there may be some big changes coming my way, both professionally and personally. And the second it feels like the right moment to share, you know I’ll reveal all, spilling my secrets like I always have. But, if you’d like a clue… I can admit that maybe, just maybe, there may be a boy involved. Just maybe.

And, in the mean time, I thought I would share a couple pictures from my sister’s Playboy Bunny themed birthday party this past weekend.

Yo ho ho… and a bottle of rum.

As you can see, I haven’t exactly been updating a lot. It’s been over a month since I had anything to say, and even then it wasn’t much. The truth is, for all intensive purposes, life has just been… life lately. While I want to write–to update–there just hasn’t been anything stellar to inspire my words. And so my page has remained blank. For a while now I haven’t even sure where to take this blog, or what to write about. And with my birthday literally just around the corner, it’s struck me that maybe a twenty-five year old writing about her drunken adventures isn’t the most savvy life choice I could make.

However, in the time being–since I’m still twenty-four, a child, and not at all old–I figured I couldn’t do this update without pictures from my evening last night. Two words: pirate party. As of three o’clock yesterday afternoon, I wasn’t even sure if I was going. But after some convincing from some coworkers (and, my fucking fantastic manager) I literally was like “screw maturity” and pulled on what best passed for pirate garb from my closet. I can be old and boring and mature and responsible when I’m dead. And I did cab home instead of sticking around (sure, it was two in the morning….) Sometimes I think I should be doing something more… adult. But then I look at my parents, who are in there fifties, and just as slightly still drunk as I am this morning, and I know that growing up is totally overrated.

And with that, the pictures. Arrrrg mateys.

I drove five hundred thousand miles to find a world unlike my own… and now middle of nowhere seems like my home.

It’s time to admit it. I just can’t ignore it anymore. Summer is over.

Truthfully, ever since I started my new job I’ve been feeling more and more like summer was ending. Working long hours (and an abundance of fall clothing in stores) will do that to a girl. Even still, with September only hours away, I can’t help but find myself looking back longingly at the Summer that was. Today I spent what will probably be my last day at the lake, soaking in the sunshine as much as possible with my best friend by my side, feeling a little bit nostalgic–already–for the last couple months.

You know, without a doubt, I can say I’ve lived more in the last three or four months than in the last twenty four years. I’ve always been one of those people who has to write what they know. Sure, I always embellish, but I need inspiration for which to draw from. And sometimes I feel like maybe that’s why my stories have been a lot of the same, over and over. When you only know a few things, or haven’t lived all that much, it’s harder to draw from your own experiences. But over the course of the last year, I’ve found myself coming out of my shell a little bit more, taking risks I never would have taken before, finally embracing who I am. And this Summer… well, it was the summer of me. I finally let go of all the preconceived ideas I had about how to live, threw my hands in the air, and jumped in with both feet without once thinking about the what ifs. I felt like I was living, making up for lost time. And oh boy, do I have some stories to tell.

But now that I can feel fall in the air, I suddenly realize that I also need something solid to hold onto. A future. That’s the thing I feel myself craving so much. A solid path to look down, somewhere in the horizon where I know I’m headed. Right now… right now I have a job, yes, and I love it. Hell, it could even be a career. But a job doesn’t make a life alone, and so lately I’ve really been considering the future. And what I want out of it. And more and more I’ve realized if I really want to blossom, then it may be time to leave. Leave home. Leave Halifax. Leave Nova Scotia. I’m a big fish in a little pond, and I’m craving a change of scenery so badly. There are so many things I want, a future I keep avoiding. And it’s time I took the same bravery I had in embracing my summer, and made a decision, no regrets.

 

The winds of change of blowing, and the big city is calling me.

It won’t happen all at once, I’m sure. But one day soon I hope I’ll have a big announcement to share.

 

Do you hear me, I’m talking to you… across the water, across the deep blue ocean.

Three years.

It’s kind of hard to believe that this little blog of mine has been around that long. After all, I started it as a means of therapy during a rough time in my life, not knowing that it would become something so special to me {and save me during an even rougher time}. And what has three years witnessed: love affairs and breakups, weddings and babies, back to school and graduation, new boys, new jobs and new hair colors. So much has changed in three years, most especially me. I know I write this every time, but every moment just gets me more excited for the year to come.

I’ll probably never know what direction I want to go with this blog, never stop telling stories about weekend madness, and fill in the gaps with pictures. The truth is, I long ago stopped trying to be something. I may not be perfect, I may not be the most interesting, or tell the best story, but this is my story–flaws and all–and I’ll never stop telling it. There are too many chapters to write, new settings to explore, and characters to introduce.

So to everyone who has ever read even one entry, or left a comment… thank you.


Three years later, and none the wiser.
Isn’t that the fun?

I’m gonna stay eighteen forever… so we can stay like this forever. And we’ll never miss a party… ’cause we keep them going constantly.

Over the last year or so, I’ve filled many an entry with stories and pictures of what I call “weekend madness“.

But trust me, this is nothing new. I’ve always been a bit of a wild child, especially when cheap wine is involved. Last night was spent reminiscing about times past, remembering the silly moments and the trouble we got into–jumping into the lake tipsy on wine, a whole lot of nudity courtesy of one too many games of Dare, and a drunken afternoon involving leftover wedding wine and a jacuzzi filled with bubbles. Back in the day, there was no Facebook for pictures, so usually they disappeared onto someones computer, never to be seen again… until a drunken Saturday night seven years later.

Warning: these pictures are silly, drunken, and are probably only hilarious to those who were involved and remember that silly awesome day. Even still, looking at these pictures I remember that summer, and everything that happened with nothing but a smile, regardless of what has happened since then. Sometimes I wish I could go back to seventeen, if only to relive the silly moments, and to capture that feeling of knowing anything could happen. We were young, in love with beautiful boys, and invincible.

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Breaking into hotel swimming pools, and wreaking havoc on our world. Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time… the black top’s singing me to sleep.

Lately, I’ve been going back through old CDs, reviving anything to do with summer. The thing is, I’ve always had a visceral connection to music. Like pictures, they instantly bring me back, remembering to who, what, when, and where. At sixteen, it was the songs of Taking Back Sunday, New Found Glory and the Ataris. Now, eight years later, I can’t help but listen to those songs, flashing back to the dog days of summer. Of being sixteen, and feeling like you owned the night. Driving to the beach, windows down, stereo blasting.

So with that thought, and my summer of misadventures in full swing, I’ve come up with my very own Soundtrack to Summer. And so, in no particular order, these are the songs of my Summer–past, present and future. The thing is, it’s always changing, always evolving. And that’s what I love about summer.

Gaslight Anthem — “Boomboxes and Dictionaries”: Because the radio will still play loud, songs that we heard as our guards came down. Like in the summertime when we first met, I’ll never forget, don’t you forget, these nights are still ours.

Deana Carter — “Strawberry Wine”: Like strawberry wine and seventeen. The hot July moon saw everything. My first taste of love… oh bittersweet. Green on the vine. Like Strawberry Wine.

Yellowcard — “Ocean Avenue”: We were both 16 and it felt so right. Sleeping all day, staying up all night. (Staying up all night).

Brand New — “Soco Amaretto Lime”: And tonight will go on forever, while we walk this town like we own the streets. And stay awake through summer like we own the heat. 

Katy Perry — “Last Friday Night”: Last Friday night. Yeah we danced on table tops, and we took too many shots. Think we kissed but I forgot. Last Friday Night.

Dashboard Confessional — “Warmth of the Sand”: we shed our clothes, and felt romantic, tinted by the moon fantastic.  Bright and warm, and hours alone absolve us of the sins we own. And from one year into another I think of you when I feel summer.

The Kinks — “Lola”: We drank champagne and danced all night… under electric candle light.

The Ataris — “The Boys of Summer”: I never will forget those nights, I wonder if it was a dream. Remember how you made me crazy? Remember how I made you scream. Now I don’t understand what happened to our love. But baby when I get you back I’m going to show you what I’m made of.

Deathcab for Cutie — “Photobooth”: I remember when the days were long…. and the nights when the living room was on the lawn.

Taylor Swift — “Tim McGraw”: And I was right there beside him all summer long. And then the time we woke up to find that summer’d gone.

Lady Gaga — “Summerboy”: Hey there summer boy. I’m taking off my heels, Lets go for a run. Have a little summer fun. Have a little summer fun. Summer boy.

The Ataris — “In this Diary”: Here in this diary, I write you visions of my summer. It was the best I ever had.