we keep this love in a photograph… we made these memories for ourselves.

photo credit: Bethany MacIsaac Photography

Its been a while since I wrote anything.

The last year and a half have held so many up and down moments. Happy memories made, and more tears than I’d like to think back on. But if one moment stands out in my mind–it’s this day.

September 12, 2015 — I married my best friend, the love of my life.

If you’ve stuck with this long a long time, then you know my story hasn’t always been an easy one to tell. There was a time in my life when broken wouldn’t even describe who I was. I lost myself, for a long… long time. When K. came into my life, the darkness I lost myself in for so long slowly, but surely, started to lighten again. And for the first time in the longest time I realized that I wasn’t alone, that there was someone who I could confide in. Not just the good things, the happy things–but someone who I could show all of me. Who I could lay beside, and confess the things I’ve been through… all of it. No filter, no hiding.

For the first time I realized what it meant to be loved unconditionally.

We’ve started a new journey together, and I have no idea what the next 50+ years has to offer. All I do know is that will be beside me… my love, my husband, my best friend.

Advertisements

Here comes the bride….

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to stand in the wedding of one of my best friends. Words cannot even begin to describe how happy I am for these two people–Ashley has been my best friend since we were kids, playing Spice Girls in my backyard. And Shawn, her now husband, was introduced to our group in hilarious fashion over a game of Craninum many, many years ago. I love both of them to death, and I’m so happy for them and their happily ever after.

Now, because pictures are way better than words… here are just a few shots from the night before (and our girlie sleepover) and the big day.

nightbefore
The bride-to-be totally cool, calm, and collection the night before. Testing out her “honey-do” whistle.

 

nightbefore2
Hanging out the night before. Lots of candy and conversation all around.

 

nightbefore3

Doing Ashley’s nails… I wish I had remembered to take pictures of her nails.

 

nails

Total concentration.

Continue reading

And when this hourglass has filtered out its final grain of sand… I raise my glass to the memories we had.

Collage

Do you know what happened five years ago this coming Wednesday (May 14th)?

I graduated from University.

I find it so strange to think that big chapter of my life happened five years ago. Looking at those pictures, it’s a little overwhelming to think how much has changed. My life has gone through many ups and downs–funerals, and weddings, babies, and new love. I’ve discovered the importance of my health, and for the first time in my life not only do I feel healthy, but I feel strong. It feels like a million years ago I stood in front of my University, head buried into the shoulder of my then boyfriend, scared to even cross the grounds and stand with my classmates for the group pictures they were taking. That’s not me anymore–not even a little bit. But never the less, looking at these pictures, I remember being that girl. I remember buying that dress, and how pretty it was. I remember how obsessed I was with losing ten pounds before, and how sick I made myself. I remember walking down the isle of the church, and seeing my whole family sitting there, proudly watching. And I remember thinking how it was the first day of the rest of my life… how I was in the “real world” now, and how terrified that made me.

Sometimes, it’s so nice to look back and reflect.

Whoa, 21 and invincible… whoa, can’t wait to screw this up. And woah, 21 and invincible.

birthday-21

Myself, at twenty one.

Did you know that I’ve been writing in this blog for almost five years this month.

That’s right–five years.

Since I was twenty-one.

A lot has changed in those five years, more than I think anyone saw coming. It’s crazy to look back through old entries and read through who I was at the time. While my posting has waned over the years, sporadic at best sometimes, I’ve always tried to find my way back here, to keep up with the changes, to fill the computer screen with what will someday be nothing more than memories. I started writing here at a particularly rough time, when I was feeling lost, and this blog has watched me grow through the bad times, deal with the devastating, and bounce right back. And for that reason, I could never see me letting it go. Even though I’ve changed, this is still my home, my place to let sort out the troubling things, to geek out over silly things, and gush over the lovely-dovey.

I filled out this survey back in 2009, and although that’s not quite 5 years, I thought it would be interesting to fill it out again, and marvel at the difference.

How old were you 5 years ago? twenty-one.
Were you in school? I was just about to start my last year of University.
If so, what grade? Last. Year. University.
Who were your friends? Ella, Alyssa, Malory, Ashley, Michelle, Nick. But for the most part I didn’t see my friends. I’m a loner by nature–that’s just who I am. It’s something I’m trying my damnest to break out of, but it still lingers there, especially on the bad days.
Do you look different now? Well, I had just cut off my hair into a chin-length style, similar to how I now wear it… so I’m guess I don’t look too, too differently.
Have your music tastes changed? Somewhat. But my iPod is still filled with the same music it was back then, albeit a little more Glee since Glee didn’t exist in 2008.
What about your clothing? I’ve started wearing clothes that are actually my size, and not hiding my body under baggy layers as much as I used to.
How many people have you dated? 3, technically.
Have you been in love? Yes.
What was your best memory? I have so many, it’s hard to chose a favorite.
What was your worst memory? This, too, is hard to pick out one in particular. The night we lost my grandmother stands out in my mind though.
Have you moved? Yes!
Have you had your heart broken? Oh yes.
Did you get a new car? My parents did.
How many people have you slept with? Only a few that mattered.
Do you have more confidence? I do. It’s strange–I’ve been looking through old chat logs on my parent’s computer while I’ve been house sitting and while sometimes when I get down it feels like I’m still that girl, I do think I’ve made some serious strides in having more confidence and being content with who I am.
What’s something you wish you go change? For better or worse, things happened how they were suppose to happen in the end. Do I wish things could have been less strained or hurtful? Of course. But I wouldn’t ever want to go back to being myself at twenty-one. I was a very broken girl. If I could change something I think I would have been more honest with the people who loved me about just how much pain I was in, and how bad things were getting. I know I put a lot of stress on them, and for that I am sorry.
Any regrets? Not being honest when I needed help, and letting the pain grow until it got to an overwhelming level and I lost my head.
Have you lost anyone? Yes.
Have you gained anyone? Yes.
Have you gotten any taller? I don’t believe so.
Have you gained or lost weight? Since August 2008? Both. I’m slightly thinner now then I was exactly five years ago, but over the years I’ve gained and lost about 20 pounds.
Is your hair the same color it was? Somewhat? Maybe darker.
What was your biggest accomplishment? Surviving when I honestly didn’t think I could, or wanted to.
Have you improved at all? I think I have. I’ve grown up, I’ve matured.
What was your biggest downfall? Self harm. And the stubborn belief that I was “fine.”
Is there anything specific that reminds you of the past 5 years? This blog. But I’ll have to go with music, if only because music reminds me of the past more than anything else.
What do you miss the most? From twenty-one? Not much. I miss my grandmother and uncle everyday and wonder what they would see if they saw me now.

We drove to Cali… and got drunk on the beach. Got a motel and Built a fort out of sheets.

This past weekend was my younger cousin Tony’s wedding in PEI. I’ve been excited for this wedding since last Summer, when we went over for my cousin Chris’ wedding and found another one was impending. So when the invitation came in February, I immediately asked the boyfriend if he–might–want to come with me. Naturally he said yes, and I’ve been so excited ever since. The last month I’ve been planning and planning, and then finally Friday night it was time to go.

Although things didn’t exactly go according to how they were planned, our first road trip together was just as much fun as I dreamed it would be. And he and my family (and trust me, there is A LOT of us) got along awesome. In fact, he’s already talking about us taking a trip together back there, just the two of us which just makes me so happy. And he finally realizes what I mean when I say that there is NOTHING like a White wedding.

And, naturally, I captured the event as best as I could.

1
Off work, and on the road!
2
Super excited face?
3
Nothing but road ahead of us.
4
Three hours, and two provinces later… almost to the bridge!
21
His first time in New Brunswick.
Continue reading

Na na na na…. Batman.

I’m feeling a little lost on words lately.

Its been happening far too often it seems. But while I’m trying to come up with something worthwhile–or even not so worthwhile–I thought I would share some adorableness. It’s not secret that my nephew is probably one of my favorite people in this whole wide world, and person #1 who keeps me sane when it feels like I’m going off the deep end (And, he doesn’t even realize this.

And to prove why he’s my favoritest person in the whole universe, a video.

The zombies were having fun… the party had just begun. The guests included Wolf Man, Dracula and his son.

I think from years past, you know that we love Halloween in my family. I never put up my pictures from last year, but my sister and her husband took over hosting duties, going all out. So this year, everyone had high expectations and we were not disappointed. While there was no “theme”, they turned their house into Arkham Asylum–after Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze have broken out. While the pictures don’t really show how epic it was, trust me the house looked amazing. And there was a lot of Batman going on. I originally had planned on making a Star Sapphire costume which I abandoned when I realized I didn’t have the time or money to complete it properly. So what did I do? I went out, bought a little boys Batman costume set, and tada.

The pictures speak for themselves.

Image

Little boys costume worked well for me.
Image
Ah, Poison Ivy… we meet again.
Image
Female Joker and Male Harley Quinn.
Image
Masks off.
Image
Batman is strong.
Image
The winners of the costume contest: best couples, best over all, the hosts, most pathetic, and runner up best couple.
Continue reading

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… stand a little taller. Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone. What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter… footsteps even lighter. Doesn’t mean I’m over ’cause you’re gone.

Two years ago, my life changed completely. In a big way. My grandmother, one of the most influential women in my life, passed away suddenly, and without notice. I remember that night like it was yesterday–it sticks with me, knocking me sideways when I have to realize just how much it shifted everything. I didn’t just lose my grandmother, I lost my innocence. While things around me were already changing in big ways, that was the beginning of one of my darkest periods. But it was also the beginning of my biggest growth.

Now, two years later, things keep shifting.

I’ve never been very good at handling change. I used to run from it, content to sail of a sea of the familiar. And yet, here I am, all grown up (or, so they say). And I’m jumping right in to these new, crazy changes, not even worrying if I’ll sink or swim.

I’m dating someone. I’ve been promoted at work. I’ll be out on my own in a matter of months. These are things I used to be scared–hell, terrified–of, and yet I’m excited for each and everyone. I haven’t dated anyone since I was seventeen, scared shitless at the idea of referring to someone as my “boyfriend” and yet here I am, giddy over a boy who makes me smile, and laugh, with no thoughts on what it could mean or if I might get my heart broken.  I’m jumping into my new role and work, embracing my new found responsibility, excited for this chance to finally prove to the world: you know what, I kick ass. I’m being an adult, cutting ties with those who bring me down, and finally ready to make my grand debut into the real world (if only a little belated.)

And what’s the point of this spiel?

When I look back on that girl two years ago, I had no idea what was to come. I thought losing Granny was by far the worst thing that could ever happen, and oh boy, how wrong I was. But it proved something to me I will forever cherish–it finally showed me how strong I can be. And two years later, I am so grateful that I know now that I won’t crumble under pressure. Every choice may not be the right choice, and I’m going to fail–that’s all part of being human. But it’s what you do afterwards that counts. Because whatever comes after shows you just how strong you truly are.

And change? Well I totally got that.

I can be the girl in your fantasy, wild and free… say that you let me. A playboy bunny is all you need for tonight.

Wow, I haven’t written since last year. Where the heck has my brain been?

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Truthfully, a lot has been going on behind the scenes lately, and as 2012 was ushered in (drunk, with close friends, in a very low key event), things were already happening. Anyone knows, I’m the queen of saying “this year, everything will be different” and then having horrible follow through. I spent 23 and a large part of 24 stuck in the same pattern of wanting change, but never really attempting it. But things actually are changing, and I’m letting go of my fear when it comes to that silly thing called life.

Of course, me being me, I don’t want to reveal too much yet–lest my plans be spoiled. But I can let you know that there may be some big changes coming my way, both professionally and personally. And the second it feels like the right moment to share, you know I’ll reveal all, spilling my secrets like I always have. But, if you’d like a clue… I can admit that maybe, just maybe, there may be a boy involved. Just maybe.

And, in the mean time, I thought I would share a couple pictures from my sister’s Playboy Bunny themed birthday party this past weekend.

It’s a beautiful night…. we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you.

A year ago today, two life changing things happened–one, my little sister got married. And two, my uncle–my mother’s only brother–passed away. Both of these things happened at once, almost instantaneously, leaving my family to be caught up in a wish-wash of emotions. While we wanted to be happy and celebrate the life that my sister and her new husband were creating, we couldn’t help but know that we had just lost someone who meant the world to us. Over the last year, both of these things have affected me in very different ways. My uncle was an incredible man, who lived every day to the fullest. He was a Star Trek nerd, a former motorcycle bad ass, and all around sarcastically awesome. I can only hope that I can be as witty as he was just naturally. And my sister’s marriage, first of, gave me a brother (which, I always wanted), but I also showed me that not all love is badawfulhorribleheartbreaking. Sometimes, fairy tales–though maybe not like the kind I read as kids–can come true. And growing up, well, it’s not all bad.

So in honor of that one year anniversary, I thought I would post some of the pictures from that day. I never did originally, since the day after we immediately left to go to my Uncle’s funeral. But I thought why not celebrate a year–of sadness, and most especially of joy–with a peak back to the day.

August 28th, 2010

Continue reading