But you make me wanna act like a girl… paint my nails and wear perfume for you.

So I’ve written before that over the last couple years I’ve tried to conqueror my issues with anxiety, self harm, and disordered eating. With anxiety especially, I was told to try and put my energy into concentrating on something–anything–else. Now this might seem silly… but one of the best things I’ve found to put my energy into was nail art. I’ve always been obsessed with nail polish, ever since I was a kid trying to recreate Buffy Summers’ gorgeous manicures.

Over the last couple years I’ve discovered nail art blogs, and fell in love. I started slowly at first, trying different designs, but when I started recovering from my eating disorder I needed something to concentrate on other than food–or calories, or the weight I was gaining–and I really started to love painting my nails. Doing them made me feel pretty. No matter what I weigh, my nails don’t change–and I like being able to concentrate on that. Sure, I’m slightly obsessed with polish but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

And thankfully, I have a boyfriend who understands why I have almost 300 bottles of polish… and growing. He even helps me pick out colors when I can’t think of how I want to do my nails. Now that’s love.

nails

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Oh, I cut his hair myself one night… a pair of dull scissors and the yellow light.

So lately, I’ve been seriously considering cutting my hair. Again.

Obviously, I change my hair a lot.Color. Length. Style. It’s just one of those things I do. When the world makes me restless, the first thing I do is reach for a box of dye, or the scissors.

The thing is, I’ve had my current length for a while. And don’t get my wrong–I love my long hair. It makes me feel pretty beautiful. But sometimes I find myself hiding behind my hair. It’s my security blanket, so to speak. And I’ve been growing it out for the last three years, since the summer after I graduated university. But lately… oh lately I want to do something new. Something sassy. Something I’ve never done before. The truth is, I’m trying to cut the negativity out of my life, to start over… fresh and new. And sure, it’s just hair.

But I think I  want need the change.

I’m just not sure if I could actually go from this…

to this…

I guess it’s a game of wait and see. All I know is one too many glasses of wine, and I may just be reaching for the kitchen scissors myself.

Do you hear me, I’m talking to you… across the water, across the deep blue ocean.

Three years.

It’s kind of hard to believe that this little blog of mine has been around that long. After all, I started it as a means of therapy during a rough time in my life, not knowing that it would become something so special to me {and save me during an even rougher time}. And what has three years witnessed: love affairs and breakups, weddings and babies, back to school and graduation, new boys, new jobs and new hair colors. So much has changed in three years, most especially me. I know I write this every time, but every moment just gets me more excited for the year to come.

I’ll probably never know what direction I want to go with this blog, never stop telling stories about weekend madness, and fill in the gaps with pictures. The truth is, I long ago stopped trying to be something. I may not be perfect, I may not be the most interesting, or tell the best story, but this is my story–flaws and all–and I’ll never stop telling it. There are too many chapters to write, new settings to explore, and characters to introduce.

So to everyone who has ever read even one entry, or left a comment… thank you.


Three years later, and none the wiser.
Isn’t that the fun?

If only you could know that growing up means letting go… maybe then you’d grow up by yourself.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. And regret.

The thing is, looking back over the course of the last year and a half, there are probably quite a few things I could cringe about if I took the time to stop and really think about them. I’m the first person to say that for a lot of that time, I was a fucking hot mess. It’s not that I didn’t have those moments before–I was definitely the girl who got drunk and fell down, a lot. But when the big break up of 2010 happened, I kind of lost my shit. I mean, it was more then just the getting cheated on and betrayed that sent me off the deep end; my grandmother, and then uncle, passing away certainly didn’t help things. I was drinking too much, partying too hard, and going off into dark corners with boys who didn’t mean anything to me just because I wanted to feel something other then heartbroken. I wanted to feel anything.

What I’m trying to say is I’ve made mistakes. And it would be very easily to dwell on those things, ask myself what the hell I was thinking, cringe and shake my head. But the thing is, they happened. There is no going back, no changing things, no beating myself up. They happened. You can’t change the past, so obsessing too much about it won’t do a damn thing. It’s a hard lesson, and one that I’m still learning. I’m definitely not perfect, nor would I ever claim to be. There are still moments where I sit back, and think: what if? What if Andrew and I were still together? What if my grandmother had never passed away? What if? What if? What if?

Recently, someone told me that sometimes, there are just things you don’t get over. And, for a second, I wondered, what if he’s right… what if this is forever on my mind, haunting me, plaguing me, filling my every moment. What if I spend the rest of my life obsessing about the boy I fell in love with at seventeen, the boy I thought I would marry, the boy who broke me. After all, it’s been a year and a half. Shouldn’t I be over it by now? What if it never happens? What if I never know what it feels like, not only to be loved by someone someday, but to love someone with all my heart. And then all I could think was: No. I won’t let him have that power. I won’t let him mean that much. I won’t let him have that much power. Maybe I’ll be more careful, maybe I won’t fall so easily, maybe I’ll actually be a little jealous. But I won’t always be broken.

When it comes to regret, you have two choices. You can concentrate on every little thing, wishing you could have done something different, or you can take those regrets, and use them as learning experiences. Maybe it’s the writer on me, but I would much rather the latter, taking my mistakes, admitting yes, I didn’t always make the right choice, and going forward from there, usually with a story brewing. Because there is no going back, nor would I ever want to. I am who I am, because of my choices. If I had the chance to do that, then I wouldn’t be me. I’d be some other Shannon entirely.

And you know what, I love this version of myself, flaws and all.

And you can tell Jane, if she writes, that I’m drunk off all these stars and all these crazy Hollywood nights.

While going through a list of things I could write about, I was kind of at a loss. It’s not like things haven’t been happening lately–a lot is going on. It’s that I’m just not sure where to start. It’s almost overwhelming. So I figured there was no time like the present for something a little random, something that had little to do with anything. Once in a while, it’s nice not to have a point, but to write for the sake of writing. And so, with that being said…

Twenty-one Random Things You Didn’t Know About Me (And probably don’t care about either):

  1. My very first “boyfriend” was in kindergarten. His name was Jesse, and he had a rat tail and wore a leather jacket. He was also left back in kindergarten when everyone moved on. Even at 4, I really knew how to pick winners.
  2. Sometimes, when I feel a case of writer’s block going on, I put on one of my many pairs of nerd glasses. I’m not sure why, but for some reason it makes me feel more writerly. (Yes, I’m aware writerly is not a real word. That’s not the point.)
  3. There are 2656 songs on my iTunes.
  4. I own over sixty bottles of nail polish, and counting. Currently I’m loving mixing and matching with the OPI Shatter (I have silver and black and I really want to add at least white to the collection). I’ve also been playing around with the idea of doing a Batman themed mani soon. Wait and see..
  5. My (third) cousin is Brad Richards, who just signed a contract to play for the New York Rangers. Yes, that’s pretty much my only semi-celebrity contact, but he did play for the Tampa Bay Lightning a couple years ago when they won the Stanley Cup.
  6. I’ve never read any of the Harry Potter books, nor seen any of the movies, and yet I’m completely obsessed with A Very Potter Musical. Though, it could have something to do with the very adorable Darren Criss.
  7. My very first real job was selling furniture.
  8. Lately, I’ve realized I really miss acting. In High School, I lived for Drama class. In grade 11, I starred as Cindy Lou Who in our class production of The Grinch, and in grade 12 I was the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’ve decided I’m going to try and see if I can get into it again. I just love how it brings me out of my shell.
  9. My favorite apple is granny smith.
  10. Even in the dead of winter, I always always always have my toe nails painted. I just cannot abide bare nails.
  11. The last book I read was Sarah Dessen’s “This Lullaby“. I relate far too much to the main character in that book. It’s so comfy to return to. I’ve read it so many times, that I’m surprised I can’t repeat it, word for word, without even having to repeat it. Also reading “On The Road“.
  12. The last comic books I read was “Batman: A Death in the Family” and “Batman: Under the Hood“.
  13. Thirteen is my lucky (and favorite) number.
  14. I own about fifteen pairs of sunglasses (that I can think of off the top of my head). To me, sunglasses are like shoes or purses. You need to have one to go with every outfit. Although my current favorites are my pink (Hello, Kitty) wayfarers. They cost me $1, and there is nothing wrong with that.
  15. Darren Criss’ cover of “Part of Your World” just came on my iTunes. (I also almost just wrote “eye tunes”).
  16. Sometimes, I really miss actually dating. Or just having someone to get to know. Sometimes, being single can be really lonely. Plus, I miss having someone to make special gluten-free cupcakes for.
  17. Lately, I’ve really been thinking about making some serious life changes. A job, for one. But I’ve been feeling like growing up some is definitely needed. Weekend madness has been fun, but I’m starting to get tired of that whole scene. Who would have thought?
  18. I really want a Star Wars shirt.
  19. It blows my mind that this blog has been around for almost three years. And that I’m still writing here.
  20. I’m a notorious tipsy//drunk texter. It has gotten to the point where if I go to a friend’s house, I made sure to store my purse somewhere so I don’t play with my phone until the morning. I’ve always been known to have some hilarious drunk Facebook conversations. And one absolutely hilarious MSN conversation (and four hour phone call at 3am) with my high school ex-boyfriend the night before the big break up.
  21. Sometimes, I seriously considering saving up as much money as possible, and moving away, making a life change. I’m not so sure that Halifax if going to be the location of the great big things coming my way. But I suppose only time will tell what the future holds for me.

You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby.

So here’s the thing, every so often I get to crushing on a celebrity in such an immense way that it’s actually funny. I think it was something to do with the fact that I can’t handle a real life relationship, so an imaginary celebrity boyfriend is pretty much the next best thing.

For a long time, that celebrity boyfriend was Chris Lowell.

I pretty much fell deeply in love with him the second he popped up on Veronica Mars, and he’s the reason that season 3 is the season I watch most often. There was just something awkward and adorable about him–plus I’ve always had a thing for boys with shaggy hair–that I instantly was smitten. That scene (above) where he goes for it and kisses Veronica Mars. Talk about swoon worthy. When Veronica Mars was tragically ripped from my life, I followed him to Private Practice, falling even harder for his sweetness. The boy just oozes charm. Really, I thought it was an imaginary relationship for the ages. True fake love. But sadly, like any relationship, sometimes you have to admit when things just aren’t working anymore. And you have to imaginary break up.

But, be still my heart. There is someone who has totally stolen it.

First off, I love Glee. It’s totally my guilty pleasure. And one of the reasons I’ve especially enjoyed the show is the lovely boy pictured here. And it’s funny, because at first I just enjoyed his character, but didn’t think too much about it (although, I have to admit, his cover of “Don’t You Want Me” was just…. yeah. Awesome.) And then I saw a couple interviews with him, and oh my goodness, serious swoonage. I’m not ashamed that I have watched quite a few videos on Youtube (not to mention A Very Potter Musical). First off, he’s smart, adorable and charming. Secondly, the boy is beyond talented. And third, he can rock pink sunglasses like nobody’s business, and you know… I like that in a guy.

Seriously, who needs a real life boy when you can have an imaginary one?

And, because I have to share this adorableness with the world (and, okay, have an excuse to watch it again), one of my favorite videos I’ve discovered. If only I could find a real life guy this adorable. Seriously, what is it about a guy who can sing?

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental… but diamonds are a girls best friend.

I plan on writing on my weekend adventures at the Atlantic Fashion Week Market, but in the meantime I’m going to direct you to my sister’s brand new site for her jewelry design collection: Be*Jewel*Me Jewelry Designs. Obviously, I’m slightly biased but check her out. She creates these amazingly intricate designs I could never in a million years come up with. I spent this weekend tweeting my favorites, and I hope you’ll give her a glimpse!

And the seventh thing I like the most that you do… you make me love you.

{yes, I’m aware I used Miley Cyrus as my title. Please don’t judge me. I used to work at Claire’s, where it was blasted constantly, and it fit with the blog entry haha.}

 

This morning, I got a lovely surprise when I was nominated, by deargeorgie for the versatile blog award. This is the first time I’ve ever had one of these passed onto me via this blog, so it’s exciting! The basis is posting seven random facts about myself, then passing it onto seven blogs of my choice. Of course, I’m not sure who to choose for those seven blogs {kind of defeating the purpose, I suppose}. So I’ll have to go with Little Elle, Dancing Hoping Living Dreaming, Chocolate Covered Katie, and… and you. If you have a blog and are reading this I select you for a little randomness. Ready, set, go!

Seven random facts about yours truly:

    1. Even though I go on every summer about wanting to eat healthier and get into shape, once the drink-filled lake days start I let it fall by the wayside. However, after realizing that I couldn’t even hold my body weight in a back bridge {I used to be able to do back handsprings} I realized that I need to stop making excuses and start getting healthy. I’m doing small goals, a week at a time, but by the time September comes I hope I’ll be running every day and able to hold my own body weight–because seriously, I’m not that heavy! (I’ve also started my own healthy living tumblr because the girls there offer so much daily inspiration.)
    2. Speaking of exercise, I ran into my ex-boyfriend from when I was sixteen when I went out running with the dog this morning. It actually made me chuckle. He’s actually the only one of my exes I actually still occasionally talk to, which also makes me chuckle. Who would have thought.
    3. I’ve decided to get my Batman tattoo added onto. I love it the way it is, don’t get me wrong, but I started thinking adding the Gotham skyline–and turning it into a Bat signal in the sky–would just give it a little something extra. Of course, it’s going to hurt like the dickens, and I need to get the money first, but when everything comes together… it’ll be fabulous.
    4. Speaking of Superheroes, I’m going to Green Lantern tonight with my Dad to celebrate Father’s Day early. I’m kind of scared because there reviews haven’t been great (or, good… at all) but never the less I’m wearing my Green Lantern t-shirt and going to enjoy every second of it. Now all I need is a power ring!
    5. My current musical obsession is The Gaslight Anthem. It was a random twitter suggestion last November when I was on the look out for new music and now… I have their entire discography, and they’ve become my sounds of summer. My favorites songs have to be: “Miles Davis & The Cool”, “Boomboxes and Dictionaries”, “We Came to Dance”, “The Backseat” and “Meet Me by the River’s Edge.”
    6. This weekend, I’m helping my sister at a thing for Atlantic Fashion Week, helping her sell her homemade jewelry. My sister makes the most gorgeous stuff–she made all the wedding jewelry for her bridesmaids and herself–and I’m excited for her. Of course it means make up and dressing like a grown up, but that’s okay with me. Especially if she pays me in soy cappuccinos and dirty chai lattes.
    7. Finally, not a statement, but a picture: Guess who is five months old today!

 

You’ll get through this, and you’ll see… you’re still around to write this letter to me.

I was stumbling along on the internet when I came across this: a collection of letters, written by celebrities, to themselves at sixteen. I’ve always been intrigued by this idea–if I could write a letter, knowing everything I know now, for my sixteen year old self to read, what exactly would I say. If our choices set the course for who we’re going to be, does that mean I would want to tell myself to be scared, to run when a certain boy came into the picture? I hail from the belief that everything–even those bad, awful things happen for a reason.

So what exactly would I tell myself?


To myself at sixteen…

Don’t fret, you’re not crazy. It’s actually me, uh, you–all the way from the future.

First things first, I know you’re sitting alone in your bedroom, the closet probably, and you’re thinking about how much you miss someone. Yeah, I know, you were so in love. But I can tell you right now–it wasn’t love, not even close. Yes, yes, it was fast, and intense, and we made some (big) mistakes. And at the time, you wanted him to be your everything so you gave him everything. But one day, soon, you’re going to meet someone who changes that, and you’re going to know real love. I promise you that. And knowing that love–no matter the ending. That’s the most important part. Don’t forget that.

You need to stop hurting yourself. I know it seems impossible that you could ever stop, and part of you probably doesn’t want to. But you can… and you need to. It takes asking for help, it takes telling yourself you’re strong, but you can. And don’t be scared if you slip up once or twice along the way. It may not be easy, but it’s worth it.

Hug Granny. I mean a big freaking bear hug. Hold on like you’re never going to let go. I know sometimes she can seem impossible, but she loves you, and… she means well, in her weird way. Someday she’s not going to be there anymore. It’s going to be sudden, and it’s going to be scary, and you’re going to feel totally lost for a while.  So her hug, every time you see her. Hard.

I know sometimes you feel like you’re not good enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. You’re awkward, obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, can never say the right thing, and don’t dress like everyone else. It just seems easier to hide all of that, right? But stop hiding. When you finally wake up and realize that makes you who you are, you’re going to feel so much happier, truly. The people who love you are still going to love you, no matter what and the people who won’t… honestly, they stop mattering very quickly. Embrace it all, every little flaw.

Never stop writing. Ever. Even when it seems like you have nothing to say, there is still a story brewing. Write down everything, and keep it close to your heart.

Now, put down this letter, pick up your phone, and order a nice vegetarian pizza with extra cheese. I know, I know, you think you need to lose ten pounds. Pizza is evil. Shhhhhhhh, hush now. Just order the pizza. Trust me on this one. You can worry about what you can’t eat later. And while you’re at it, there is nothing like a small cookie dough blizzard for dessert. Don’t worry about the calories or fat grams right now. Just enjoy it.

And no, your boobs are never going to get any bigger. In fact, they’re actually going to get even smaller. Sorry. You’ll learn to love them (thanks to going braless) eventually.

-Love Shannon

The worst is over… you can have the best of me.

Last year, I went pink because I was in a desperate need of a change. After everything that happened, I wanted something new and different. I wanted not to be any bit the girl that got dumped. Pink was my alter-ego, and I love it. But one again, it was time for a change and that change was a deep, dark purple. It’s subtle. It’s gorgeous. And I no longer look  12 (and you can’t lie… I totally did!) Even with bangs, I feel more grown up, more ready for the future. I’ve been in such a state of pause it’s almost saddening. And pink was definitely a security blanket for me, something that forced me to stand out without trying. But big changes–new hair–can only mean big changes in other aspects. It’s time I learned to stand out on my own. I’ve always been a firm believer that what you put out there, you’re bound to get back. Well, I’m ready for good, amazing things… so bring it on world!

 

I have a feeling it’s going to be an interesting fantastic couple of months.