we keep this love in a photograph… we made these memories for ourselves.

photo credit: Bethany MacIsaac Photography

Its been a while since I wrote anything.

The last year and a half have held so many up and down moments. Happy memories made, and more tears than I’d like to think back on. But if one moment stands out in my mind–it’s this day.

September 12, 2015 — I married my best friend, the love of my life.

If you’ve stuck with this long a long time, then you know my story hasn’t always been an easy one to tell. There was a time in my life when broken wouldn’t even describe who I was. I lost myself, for a long… long time. When K. came into my life, the darkness I lost myself in for so long slowly, but surely, started to lighten again. And for the first time in the longest time I realized that I wasn’t alone, that there was someone who I could confide in. Not just the good things, the happy things–but someone who I could show all of me. Who I could lay beside, and confess the things I’ve been through… all of it. No filter, no hiding.

For the first time I realized what it meant to be loved unconditionally.

We’ve started a new journey together, and I have no idea what the next 50+ years has to offer. All I do know is that will be beside me… my love, my husband, my best friend.

And when this hourglass has filtered out its final grain of sand… I raise my glass to the memories we had.

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Do you know what happened five years ago this coming Wednesday (May 14th)?

I graduated from University.

I find it so strange to think that big chapter of my life happened five years ago. Looking at those pictures, it’s a little overwhelming to think how much has changed. My life has gone through many ups and downs–funerals, and weddings, babies, and new love. I’ve discovered the importance of my health, and for the first time in my life not only do I feel healthy, but I feel strong. It feels like a million years ago I stood in front of my University, head buried into the shoulder of my then boyfriend, scared to even cross the grounds and stand with my classmates for the group pictures they were taking. That’s not me anymore–not even a little bit. But never the less, looking at these pictures, I remember being that girl. I remember buying that dress, and how pretty it was. I remember how obsessed I was with losing ten pounds before, and how sick I made myself. I remember walking down the isle of the church, and seeing my whole family sitting there, proudly watching. And I remember thinking how it was the first day of the rest of my life… how I was in the “real world” now, and how terrified that made me.

Sometimes, it’s so nice to look back and reflect.

I’M BACK!

You may have noticed that my attendance on this blog has been sparse at best the last couple months. Back in August, my Mac cord died, and I just wasn’t able to get myself one due to the cost. However, my Dad managed to order me one online, and so I’m finally back and I plan on making regular updates now that I have the ability to.

 

 

 

 

Don’t wait too long to come home… my, how the years and our youth passed on. Don’t wait too long to come home… I will leave the front light on.

Hello 2013

(okay, so maybe I’m a little late on this post…. but oh well.)

It’s crazy to believe, but the whirlwind of a year that was 2012 is now over. And for me it certainly was full of ups and downs; of “i love you” and “goodbye”. It was the year I attempted to get my shit together, and fell all at the same time. But one thing I will love about 2012 was how I spent my Christmas holiday, and that was surrounded by the best of friends, old friends, and making new ones all at once.

Here’s the thing–I don’t do well with holidays, and I never have. But having my best friends back in town made everything absolutely perfect. In July, I had to say goodbye to the girls who have been by my side for as long as I can remember. The girls who supported me through everything that happened over the last three years. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive without them, and it’s been rough. My birthday being the worst. But having them back over the holidays made me realize no matter the distance, home truly is where the heart is. And that even time and distance will never erase what we’ve been through, and what we mean to each other.

Memories are nothing without the people you make them with. And these will keep me sane until we’re together again, however soon that it.

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What can you do when your good isn’t good enough… and all that you touch tumbles down.

So I guess, since I’ve been MIA for the last couple months I should write an update on what’s been going on. Life has been–well, life. Exciting and uninspired. Truthfully, the last couple months revolved around the boy. You know, the one I was gushing about in previous posts. Back in June things were awesome, wonderful. And I honestly could see a future with him. It seemed like everything I had been missing was finally falling into place.

Let’s cut to three months later, shall we?

Things fell apart. Things hit the fucking fan. I think I started to realize in around August that something was off. But I kept strong, kept trying to make things work. I wore cute lingerie. I watched a shit ton of sports I could care less about, because he wanted to really watch them. I put up with overly drunken nights, and disinterest, and giving him his space all because I believed that maybe if I tried hard enough things would work. He was going through some stuff–not having a place to live being number one. I kept telling myself that if I gave him time to figure all his shit out that maybe, just maybe, things would be good again. 

I’m sure you can guess what happened next.

We broke up. The day before my birthday.

Well, that was the second time. The first time had been a few weeks previous when–after being lied too–I flipped. I’m not one to be overly dramatic (okay, maybe that’s a bit of a lie) but I will put up with a lot. However when I try and try and try, and get nothing in return, the bitch in me tends to come out. Of course, I let him back in, I forgave him, I told myself that he knew now he couldn’t just take me for granted. Hell, he even watched Glee with me, and we all know how much of a mess that show is. But of course, things didn’t change for long, and two weeks later it was distance, and space, and stilted conversations. My birthday was the blowing point. I invited him to my celebrations, in which his reply was a simple: “Don’t think I can make it.” No sorry, no I’ll make it up to you. I don’t ask for much, I really don’t. But the least I ask for is someone who will meet me half way. And so I told me, as much as I loved him I just didn’t think I could do this anymore. It hurt to much.

His response? “Yeah, I agree.”

And that was the end of that love story. I won’t even get into the drama when we ran into the bar the other night. Suffice to say, he called me a name that rhymes with “bunt”–all because I didn’t say “hi” to him.

Sometimes I think that this whole relationship thing really isn’t worth it. I’m a romantic at heart, I can’t help it. But after putting so much into relationships, practically a fucking housewife to make him happy, what did it get me? Broken up the day before my birthday. People keep telling me that I just need to keep strong, that eventually life has a way of working out the way you need them to. But I’m still waiting for that. I’m honestly so tired of kissing frogs, of being the wrong girl. I don’t need Prince Charming. I would settle for Prince Not-So-Bad.

But for the love of god, if I kiss one more frog I might just ride that white horse right off a bridge.

It’s a beautiful night…. we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you.

A year ago today, two life changing things happened–one, my little sister got married. And two, my uncle–my mother’s only brother–passed away. Both of these things happened at once, almost instantaneously, leaving my family to be caught up in a wish-wash of emotions. While we wanted to be happy and celebrate the life that my sister and her new husband were creating, we couldn’t help but know that we had just lost someone who meant the world to us. Over the last year, both of these things have affected me in very different ways. My uncle was an incredible man, who lived every day to the fullest. He was a Star Trek nerd, a former motorcycle bad ass, and all around sarcastically awesome. I can only hope that I can be as witty as he was just naturally. And my sister’s marriage, first of, gave me a brother (which, I always wanted), but I also showed me that not all love is badawfulhorribleheartbreaking. Sometimes, fairy tales–though maybe not like the kind I read as kids–can come true. And growing up, well, it’s not all bad.

So in honor of that one year anniversary, I thought I would post some of the pictures from that day. I never did originally, since the day after we immediately left to go to my Uncle’s funeral. But I thought why not celebrate a year–of sadness, and most especially of joy–with a peak back to the day.

August 28th, 2010

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And you can tell Jane, if she writes, that I’m drunk off all these stars and all these crazy Hollywood nights.

While going through a list of things I could write about, I was kind of at a loss. It’s not like things haven’t been happening lately–a lot is going on. It’s that I’m just not sure where to start. It’s almost overwhelming. So I figured there was no time like the present for something a little random, something that had little to do with anything. Once in a while, it’s nice not to have a point, but to write for the sake of writing. And so, with that being said…

Twenty-one Random Things You Didn’t Know About Me (And probably don’t care about either):

  1. My very first “boyfriend” was in kindergarten. His name was Jesse, and he had a rat tail and wore a leather jacket. He was also left back in kindergarten when everyone moved on. Even at 4, I really knew how to pick winners.
  2. Sometimes, when I feel a case of writer’s block going on, I put on one of my many pairs of nerd glasses. I’m not sure why, but for some reason it makes me feel more writerly. (Yes, I’m aware writerly is not a real word. That’s not the point.)
  3. There are 2656 songs on my iTunes.
  4. I own over sixty bottles of nail polish, and counting. Currently I’m loving mixing and matching with the OPI Shatter (I have silver and black and I really want to add at least white to the collection). I’ve also been playing around with the idea of doing a Batman themed mani soon. Wait and see..
  5. My (third) cousin is Brad Richards, who just signed a contract to play for the New York Rangers. Yes, that’s pretty much my only semi-celebrity contact, but he did play for the Tampa Bay Lightning a couple years ago when they won the Stanley Cup.
  6. I’ve never read any of the Harry Potter books, nor seen any of the movies, and yet I’m completely obsessed with A Very Potter Musical. Though, it could have something to do with the very adorable Darren Criss.
  7. My very first real job was selling furniture.
  8. Lately, I’ve realized I really miss acting. In High School, I lived for Drama class. In grade 11, I starred as Cindy Lou Who in our class production of The Grinch, and in grade 12 I was the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’ve decided I’m going to try and see if I can get into it again. I just love how it brings me out of my shell.
  9. My favorite apple is granny smith.
  10. Even in the dead of winter, I always always always have my toe nails painted. I just cannot abide bare nails.
  11. The last book I read was Sarah Dessen’s “This Lullaby“. I relate far too much to the main character in that book. It’s so comfy to return to. I’ve read it so many times, that I’m surprised I can’t repeat it, word for word, without even having to repeat it. Also reading “On The Road“.
  12. The last comic books I read was “Batman: A Death in the Family” and “Batman: Under the Hood“.
  13. Thirteen is my lucky (and favorite) number.
  14. I own about fifteen pairs of sunglasses (that I can think of off the top of my head). To me, sunglasses are like shoes or purses. You need to have one to go with every outfit. Although my current favorites are my pink (Hello, Kitty) wayfarers. They cost me $1, and there is nothing wrong with that.
  15. Darren Criss’ cover of “Part of Your World” just came on my iTunes. (I also almost just wrote “eye tunes”).
  16. Sometimes, I really miss actually dating. Or just having someone to get to know. Sometimes, being single can be really lonely. Plus, I miss having someone to make special gluten-free cupcakes for.
  17. Lately, I’ve really been thinking about making some serious life changes. A job, for one. But I’ve been feeling like growing up some is definitely needed. Weekend madness has been fun, but I’m starting to get tired of that whole scene. Who would have thought?
  18. I really want a Star Wars shirt.
  19. It blows my mind that this blog has been around for almost three years. And that I’m still writing here.
  20. I’m a notorious tipsy//drunk texter. It has gotten to the point where if I go to a friend’s house, I made sure to store my purse somewhere so I don’t play with my phone until the morning. I’ve always been known to have some hilarious drunk Facebook conversations. And one absolutely hilarious MSN conversation (and four hour phone call at 3am) with my high school ex-boyfriend the night before the big break up.
  21. Sometimes, I seriously considering saving up as much money as possible, and moving away, making a life change. I’m not so sure that Halifax if going to be the location of the great big things coming my way. But I suppose only time will tell what the future holds for me.

But you know the summer always brought it… that wild and reckless breeze. And in the backseat, we’re just trying to find some room for our knees. And in the backseat, we’re just trying to find some room to breathe.

Blame is on an already overwhelming amount of nostalgia, but lately I’ve really been thinking a lot about this blog–where it started, and why, and where I go from here.

If you flip through entries past, it’s easy to see that I was a very different girl when I first started writing here. I was in my final year of University, and working part time at a little card shop. I was in my first serious relationship, and it was really all I knew about dating. I was coming off a summer of complete shenanigans with the best friends, and convinced I had done something wrong. I was young, naive, and dealing with some serious stuff I never let show. I kept things as upbeat and silly as possible, never delving into anything too serious.

And then the break up happened, and my world changed.

But the thing is, when it comes to this blog, while I’ve remained honest to myself… I have also held back from revealing everything. The truth is, when it comes to certain stories, I’ve felt too exposed to tell everything. When it comes to writing, it’s much easier to tell the truth hidden within the lines of a fictional story. I know it’s true, those involved know it’s true, but to the outside world: it’s just a story of silly drunken times. So then, where does that leave me? Or this blog, for that matter?

Summer’s quickly approaching, and with it follows a certain amount of drinking, dancing, and all around shenanigans. If there is one thing summer if good for, it’s the certain amount of silliness that comes along with having friends like mine. Without fail, I can count on adventure and stories to tell.  That’s not the problem. It’s deciding whether or not I want to be fully open, to reveal everything, no regrets. For so long I’ve searched for something to write about, avoiding those stories because I wasn’t sure who might be reading. But now? But now it doesn’t really matter. So much is happening, silly little stories that make me laugh. You’d be surprised at the things I have done, things I never even imagined. Everything I always hoped life could be is finally coming together, after so long. Sure, it’s still a bumpy road, but I’m having a blast doing it. I have inspiration again, and a story to tell.

So maybe it was about time I told it.

I wish the world was flat like the old days… then I could travel just by folding a map. No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways… there’d be no distance that could hold us back.

Back in the day (circa 2008). & my favorite picture of all us of all time.

I’m seriously struggling with trying to figure out something to write. Life as of late has been fairly unexciting, excluding a much needed date with my favorite gay boyfriend (pictured above). And so, since I can’t find any words, I thought I would open it up to whoever may find themselves stumbling across this blog: ask me anything.

While I thought about posting an online questionnaire, answering a bunch of random questions, there is only so many times I girl can deal with the typical “do you like someone” questions before she gives up all hope. So I open it up to my invisible readers… random or personal, nothing is off limits. Whether you just randomly found my blog, or you occasionally read, I leave it up to you and in my next post I’ll compose all answers.

Bring it on.

The dudes are lining up ’cause they hear we got swagger… but we kick them to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.

Black backless Express halter top. Skinny Foxy jeans. Black studded Betsey Johnson heart belt. Not Pictured: Black knee high studded boots.

My weekend started early this week, on Thursday night with the Black Moor show. We may have showed up minutes after they played, but that didn’t matter any because we were there for them. I love this shirt, but unfortunately even though it’s a small, it never fit me. Something to do with not having boobs. However, I was creative and tied it in the back instead. While I wanted to be comfortable while rocking out, I also wanted to feel a little sexy. As I stated on Twitter, I wanted to find something that screamed: “i’m single. i’m fun. and i don’t care my ex-boyfriend is a stupid douchebag.” And personally, I think I found a winner.

While this whole break up is still on my mind, when I’m out with my friends it’s the last thing on my mind. And I know someday, soon, it’ll mean nothing at all.